Papa, can you hear me?
Sometimes family values and religious teachings are unfair. Indeed, it is meant for the martyrs and the sufferers. My father taught me many things but he should have instilled that I should value my happiness and fight for it rather than give in and give way to the ones I grew up with.
I lose face several times to be the redeemer. I juggled tons of tasks to pay the debts and brought food on the table. Every man I am interested with, I considered them as fragment of my fantasies and the ‘impossibles’. None of them would understand my sacrifice. I remembered when I went out with my colleagues. My friend paid most of the orders and drinks but I told him, if I spent what I earned to the clubs, who would pay for my brother’s tuition or pay the bills? The dialogue of the goodie two-shoes.
Papa, can you see me?
A lot of them asked and challenged me, why the heck I stayed with my tutees for ten years and the other one eight. They wouldn’t understand because none of them cared. My tutees didn’t just pay me. But their family became mine and they showed me the essence of true compassion and what it was like to belong temporarily in a place called home. For when you left, home became so empty in your absence and the ones we loved little by little changed with time.
However, I reached to the point that I am pushed at the edge of the ravine and forced to hibernate. I missed them so much including all my friends at home. I know that they will accept me even if I have nothing and won’t judge me. But, in the midst of turbulence, I don’t want them to catch me with a fading smile. I don’t want them to see me sad, they’re not used to it because I am the cheerful and wacky person they adored.
Did you ask for this? I gave up my heart and time in exchange of what? To be left alone here? Did any of them ask how I managed everything? I tripped and injured my left knee but I have to walk everyday to save bus fare. I always give and not a single cent asked them to repay for what I did. Financially, I am drained out especially I was forced to pay to be rescued from the fires of deception. I stretched the dollar I borrowed for food. If only I am allowed to work extra with my computer and writing skills… there are opportunities but you know me, I don’t break the rules. I always obey!!! In time, with the right papers, I will never say no. You know what’s so painful, in their glory they have forgotten me and blamed me for my failures. Did they remember the times they run to me when they had nothing? I thought, you said give and take and share and care… It’s more like I keep on care and care and care…. and at the end, they just don’t care… They ripped my heart, papa… If only I could turn back time, I should have went off with someone else when the offer was there… I should have not sacrifice my happiness for the sake of those who took everything I had but ditched me like a worthless raggedy Ann doll.
Papa can you see me in the dark?
If this is a Cinderella story, how long will I wait for my prince? How many challenges and injustice will I face for someone to see my worth? Will I ever be in a ball where I can waltz with someone? Look, at me Papa, I listen to my favorite song, dancing in my head… the waltz for one…. You should have taught me how to love and share myself to others than being abused and used by my bloodline.
Papa let’s dance
I miss you so much! Will you waltz with me again? My head is aching from time to time? It’s all coming back to me and unfulfilled by the unkind darkness. The waltz for one will be more fun with someone like you. God, you are the expert!!! Dance with me! Will you let him, Papa? Papa, you should have told me how to love others aside from you so that I won’t be waltzing alone. I won’t just keep on dreaming and imagining. My head get’s tired too.
I wanted to waltz, Papa. Dance with the one I most loved. If he’ll see me, he’ll say ‘what now?’. Help me. I need you.
Viv d' Biggest Dreamer 