Last Friday Night

cute green photos

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cute green photos3

What an exhausting evening! When I went home, I immediately hit the bed and didn’t even noticed my sister came home. I’m not supposed to be there but something came out not right. So, I had no choice but to be there.  On the other hand, staying was worthwhile, a quick chit-chat and meeting everyone again after a long time of not seeing each other. It was quite late when I went back but it was a Friday night filled with wonderful whom some used to be part of my yesterday. So, the evening was concluded with fun and I’m glad I stayed to catch with the kids I used to know. How time flies fast!!! They’re all grown up ready to explore a new beginning for their bright future. I’m happy with how they become and I am grateful to be part of their youths once in their lifetimes.
Before I started my day’s job, I found these photos and I remembered last Friday night. Damn, I was so tired that I forgot to add this in my post last week… (AMKSS Alumni Homecoming)

All the good things and luck are bound to happen to everyone!!!


by Katy Perry ‘Last Friday Night TGIF’

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More and Less: the Season of Lent Begins

I am a bit distracted while I was preparing for today’s session. Instead of reading my notes while I was in the bus, my thoughts were all over making me kept in touch with my dark side again. I guess, it’s not easy to the path of divinity. I am as human as everybody else, of which this morning awakened by a nasty dream and the cry of the flesh.

So, I sought forgiveness from the Divine for my human flaws and my physical needs. Before the session started, I went to the Adoration Room to calm and clear my mind and to concentrate on Jesus. Thus, I sought for the Holy Spirit’s presence to guide me and lead the session. God is fully aware that I didn’t want to disappoint my angels.

Everything went fine (according to how I memorised it) and the flow went smoothly. I also added extra info not found in the plan. Except towards the end, when I realised that I inserted the incorrect last page of the plan. Hence, I am lost for a few seconds. So instead of the panic attack, I let Jesus led the way. I went back to my senses and emphasised on the kids what they could do more and do less during the Lent period.

By the way, the kids were admiring my comic sketches that I made for the story. One of them asked, ‘are you an artist?’ I wished my grade school Teachers heard that because last time it was about the bribery and favourites. None of them noticed my skills in art except my Guidance councillor. She chose my DIY Valentine’s Day card to be displayed on the school bulletin. No one admired it except me and I didn’t tell any of my family members that my work was exhibited. While it was on display, I kept on looking at it everyday for a very long time. Then, I avowed to myself that one day I’m going to make someone special a card way much better and I’ll draw nicer things to make people smile and be happy. Well, my artistic gift is something I shared for the good and glory of God, plus for my pleasure and stress relief.

Going back to the solemnity of Lent, the kids were enthusiastic sharing their inputs on what they can do during the preparation of the Coming of Christ. And so below are mine…

What can I do more…

1. Be more compassionate, caring, charitable, generous and understanding to others

2. To control my temper and be very patient, take a deep breath twice when my patience is challenged and as much as possible avoid the bad mood episodes

3. Take my responsibilities seriously and give my best in everything I do

4. Always choose kindness for others and myself as well

5. Be courteous, courageous and forgiving, let bygones be bygones

6. Pray more, spend more time with Jesus, and keep on believing

7. Accept others for who they are regardless of age and gender

8. Smile always and laugh all the time, it’s the best medicine after all

9. Be more loving, keep loving and loving…always love (hoping the day will come that he’ll choose to feel it in his heart even if he hates the drama— drama sells the reason K-drama is the IN thing nowadays)

What can I do less…

1. Less of losing my cool easily and getting into a bad mood

2. Less of the drama, the isolation and loneliness

3. Less of judging others (particularly the opposite sex) but accept them for who they are

4. Less of idle time but be more productive

5. Less time staying in the darkness of my heart and see the light at all times

6. Less shopping 🛒 and writing nasty stuff

7. Less hanging around with the media and technology

—-

Lent is a time to be with God and follow Jesus’ example as He prayed in desert for forty days. He withstood the three temptations of the Devil. Today, I read and shared to the kids about the Forgiving Father. Follow the choice of the Father rather than the son even others do not.

—-

And so I am aware with how you’ll talk and I know you won’t greet me back. I still press send because I meant it and I always care. As you said, I should be used to how you treated me even it’s unfavourable… I kept my cool without a single hatred or pang of heartache… One day you’ll find out that angels don’t drop by everyday… May my goodness move your heart and may my prayers keep you away from all evils and dangers in the world. Take care and good night😊😘

Cuteness Overload 🤓

A taste of you one at the time

Smell as sweet as you are

Are you chewy and yummy too? 😋

Hmmm… will u let me find out?😘

I wasn’t supposed to be there

But the cruel monster arrived 👹

He roared and screamed loudly 🤬

Chasing me out from his cave 🙀

Where were you for the rescue?😭

You were feasting with her 🍲 🥘 🍚 🍻

Was it fair? I did my tasks too!

Why I didn’t get any recognition?

Gender bias! Guys get the treat!👱🏻‍♂️🏅🏆

Only men are praised, never mind—

I’ll still do my best for I love this!!!

Though unseen, never discouraged 💪🏼

Thanks for lending me a page 📝

On the journal of yours, so cute😘 ✍️

You were the boss, so I obeyed 👨‍💼

Sir,☕️ coffee or 🍵 tea? Or me?

Just to let you know, I don’t mind…

Oops, 🙊 the flirty me only exists here!

Hey, boss can’t take my eyes off!

It was truly too much to handle

The eyes, the smile and all of you…

My, my, cuteness overload!!!🙈🙉🙊

If I can’t sleep tonight, I’ll blame you!!🙇🏻‍♀️

———————-

Forgive me, Lord for my bad thoughts. I almost forgot that I have a session to prepare tmr. Bless my mind and clear it for tmr I’ll be with my angels. 😇 👼

By Celine Dion ‘Have You Ever Been I Love?’

In the Darkness of My Heart 💔

Two more nights to go… Tonight, the Parents Night Session just ended and I’m multitasking while in the bus on my way home by composing this post. Well, we were short of manpower this evening, the reason that I left the church really late because a lot of tidying up to do.

All my efforts in making the last year’s FHC retreat video to show our parents tonight paid off because after seeing it, a lot of them were motivated to volunteer for the upcoming retreat for the kids this year. My friend told me that the video possibly opened their eyes to the fact that more hands are needed during the retreat.

After this long night, I felt good. Yet, honestly, I am not always good. It’s true that I am mean and judgmental… Perhaps, I couldn’t process my feelings well because I grew up sheltered in my father’s love. The love my father showed me was my basis and definition of love. All my life, I believed that only my Papa could like and love me. From then, I created a world exclusive only for my Papa and me. No one was welcomed and the one good man ever existed in the entire universe was only my Papa.

I was obedient and loving daughter. I am such a darling to my Papa, always hugged and kissed him, and prepared everything for him. I told my Papa, “I will take care of you until you’re very old.” It was a promise that I intended to keep but cancer took my Papa away. Aftermath, I am more drawn to being alone. So, I isolated myself from others and specially to those who cared and probably meant what they said. I wanted to be on my own and love was never real, it was merely nothing but my imagination… Yet, I still have feelings. Then, how?

‘No drama!’you exclaimed. But you have no idea that the real drama is here, my Shakespeare moment. If I opened your messaging app, it was purely accidental. I blurted it out quickly so that you wouldn’t think that I am prying on your personal life. Trust me, I read none nor remember any of the names there. Whoever it was you were chatting was none of my business and if it was personal, the mere thought of it hurt a little more… In the darkness of my heart, all the drama was about to explode that would immediately turn to rage and isolation in a second, which would conclude to bad mood. But, I kept my cool because I promised to be kind to myself and be grateful to God.

I thank God because He gave me the opportunity to feel this way to you even you denied my existence for several occasions. There were a lot of times that you possibly refused to see me. To make my points worst, I did my best in making a horrible impression. The irony wasn’t it? Most girls would be in their best and be like angels to please the guys they liked. However, in all instances I did the opposite. Perhaps, in the darkness of my heart, I’d rather keep that love than pass it on to you— (my selfishness exactly!)

If I’ll pass it to you, will you accept it? I act the way I acted because I am afraid that my feelings might push you away. So, I made this choice to love you in silence and be contented of having you in my imaginations and dreams. I hope whoever she is, she’ll love you sincerely and take care of you because I wanted to… but there’s nothing I could do if she’s the one who can motivate and make you happy.

You don’t believe me and you always think that I am fake. But what do you know when you don’t actually see and give me the time and chance? We were there… we kept within each other’s spaces… In the darkness of my heart, I felt bad because I was a coward not taking the opportunities.

However, on my way to the church and after today’s event concluded, I realised that in my world not only my Papa existed. It was only the Devil’s lie telling me that no one really acknowledged my presence and good works. The darkness in my heart miraculously found the light and your face flashed in front of me. I am happy for you because you’re happy. Keep safe and always take care because you’re always gorgeous to me!😍❤️😘 Always know you are loved by me…

A Girl Can Also Hope

A girl can wish to the stars

To be the light that guide you

To be there and kiss your lips

To hold your hand everyday

***

A girl can pray to the Creator

To keep you safe from harm

To guard you from the Devil’s clasps

To shield you from all diseases

***

A girl can dream in her sleep

Of her wonderland you explored

Of how gorgeous you’ve always been

A waltz in an unknown paradise

***

A girl can imagine in waking time

A fantasy of wilderness she keeps

Your strong shoulder she can lean

Your lovely eyes only gazing at her

***

A girl can paint on her emptiness

The portrait of you on her wall

You add beauty to her lonely canvas

For you inspired her in many ways

***

A girl can only write all the words

For she doesn’t know how to speak

For she’s scared to shout what’s inside

Scribbling what she won’t dare to say

***

A girl can only hope that someday

You’ll turn around in her direction

You’ll finally realise she’s only there

Right in front of you all this time…

***

A girl can also hope that someday

You’ll find her in that heart of yours

Someday it’s her and no longer them

You’ll see with your heart not with sight!

I heard it all but I wasn’t envious, only embarrassed with the red overflow… it was my karma for being such a drama queen and trying so hard to be the villain of the story…

By Celine Dion “Falling into You”

I don’t know what I lost until it’s gone… 😢

Isn’t she lucky? Am I the unfortunate one?

Can I buy new specs for his heart too?

If that’s the case, he can surely see me

Everyday I pray, I hope not to see him

He’s so gorgeous it’s killing me inside

I don’t want to catch him in my ride

For it will never make him joyous at all

My presence annoys and disgusts him

I really want to be in her shoes right now

Because he worships her like a goddess

He doesn’t mind spending all his cash for her

He’s willing to do all favours to please her

He only sees her beauty like she’s an angel

How I envy for he’s a gentleman to her but not to me!

When was that time when people I used to know

Generously gave, no computations, no divisions

Was it that long when people really see the beauty in me?

Am I too old to try? Do I have another chance?

Yet, there were sacrifices I had to make in the past

And I had other priorities and I was very scared

Thank you to those people I used to know

For the appreciation, generosity and time

Thank you for seeing me for he never did

What can I do when I thought that I can and I’m ready

No one is there and no one even take a look?

He always see only those pleasing in the sight

Can you tell him that I am a good company too?

Can you tell him that I am sincere and truthful?

Can you tell him that I’m not faking just to please him?

Can you tell him that I am not always gloomy?

I am adventurous, carefree and open-minded too!

Can you tell him that I am already falling for him?

Although he’s getting in my nerves and disappoint me

Can you tell him that if he only cares and see

He will surely uncover what love truly means

To the past: no turning back for we only move forward

For I truly don’t know what I lost until it’s gone

He can never be any of you because he who he is…

Will he ever see and appreciate me one day?

Will he ever find it in his heart that I’m worth it???

Will I continue hiding in my silence again and again?

*****

I am not really good in getting the guy. My expertise is how to lose a guy in an instant. I made a perfect score in making all the guys I liked to despise me and gave them the reasons to hate me to their cores. I don’t even know how to act or say to get their interests. I wanted to try being flirty but it’s just too difficult for me. I only know how to write but not how to speak. I kept my distance because he doesn’t want me there. At least I said what I had to say…

I wanted to be the fake me… the isolated one and distant. I was outside this afternoon, I may not be looking but I am not deaf. I could hear clearly his joyful voice while walking with her on the pathway…

Should I tell him that I had a Valentine’s Day present too? Can anyone help me pass it to him because I will never have the courage to do so? A gift maybe not that pricy but at least not divided by four… I forgot u can only do that to her and not to me… I was hoping there was always a maybe…

If I said whatever I said… it was not because of the price of the gift… it was out of disappointment…. and the fault was mine coz I expected too much! (People are too loaded to buy expensive stuff why so stingy to be generous. Why was it a big deal? Never even ever give me a treat!!! Not even once!! Sometimes I am also nicely dressed, there were male and female colleagues who told me but he never ever see or not even noticed just even once… only criticised me for being overly dressed)

My Heart’s Day gift is actually useless and no point for him for he probably brought a special present for her which I couldn’t have. Definitely they were happily exchanging gifts, dating and that more…. on that special day…. whereby in my darkest and wildest fantasies and dreams…it’s only me!!! Him and I we shared that moment, didn’t we while I am sleeping? Or we can, shall we?

By Celine Dion & Barbra Streisand “Tell Him”

*Celine Dion, my sis and I all-time fave singer… thanks for the track coz the joke brought back so many memories…

SUNNY??? MORE THAN A THOUSAND HEARTACHES!!! 💔💔💔Worth Nothing At All💤💤💤

So, I found out the truth. Tsk. Done deleting those posts.  NOTHING WAS FOR REAL.

DIVIDED BY FOUR = I PAID MORE THAN THAT FOR MY GIFTS… NO DIVIDED BY WHATEVER!!!!!….. a chocolate from a child came from him or her, heartily given… NO DIVIDED BY…

I hope to return to those people who truly cared for me and valued what I shared to them.  The presents that really and truly came from the heart.  The Thousand Sunny that gave me joy only made me gloomy.  I was so proud telling my sister about it and didn’t go out with my friends to assemble it.  Sunny is my gloomy ship, fake one. NOT TRUE!   I thought that it was something that I treasured.  NOPE, IT CAME FROM EVERYONE… BE HAPPY!!! What I GAVE NEVER CAME FROM EVERYONE….

I was so lame for taking those videos and photos… even put it as my screensaver…, wallpaper…. EVERYTHING MUST BE DELETED COZ SUNNY IS FAKE!!!!

THE TRUTH HURTS BUT STILL IT’S THE TRUTH…. I DON’T WANT TO SING WITH IT NOR I DON’T WANT MY SUNNY ANYMORE….

ALL THE EXCITEMENT AND HAPPINESS ONLY TRASHED WITH THE TRUTH.

SOMETIMES I WISH TO LIVE IN A DREAM WHERE HE IS SWEET AND GORGEOUS… NO BULLYING AND NO MEAN PEOPLE!!!!

I MAYBE SEEN AS MEAN BUT AT LEAST FOR THOSE PEOPLE I KNEW, THEY KNOW ME VERY WELL THAT I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEY SEE MY HEART, NOT MY AGE NOR MY PHYSICAL FLAWS. (My family and a lot of people at home knew too well what I sacrificed). It feels awful but I know too well that Jesus knows my heart.

I ALWAYS PLANNED THAT VALENTINE PRESENT.  I ALREADY BOUGHT MY CARD.  BUT WHAT’S THE POINT? NOTHING IS REAL. I THOUGHT OF GIVING ‘THANK YOU’ VALENTINE PRESENT FOR EVERYONE.  BUT NEVER MIND.  THE TRUTH HURTS.  IT ALWAYS DO.  AND NEVER MIND, IT DOESN’T MATTER ANYWAY.   NOTHING IS TRUE.  WHAT IS BEAUTIFUL ONLY EXIST IN MY IMAGINATION AND DREAMS.

I DELETED THOSE POSTS AND MAYBE I SHOULD THROW AWAY MY SUNNY AWAY!!! CAPTAIN, YOU ALWAYS THE SOURCE OF MY CHILDISH DELIGHT BUT THIS TIME AROUND, YOU’RE MY HEARTACHE.  I THOUGHT SUNNY CAME FROM ELSEWHERE BUT IT SIMPLY CAME FROM PLACES I’VE BEEN… THEN, HOW IS IT DIFFERENT FROM THE FAKE ONES THAT I CAN GET ONLINE? IT’S ABOUT THE SAME PRICE!!!! FAKES ONES ARE ALSO NICELY PACKAGED UNLESS IT COMES FROM THE SOURCE.  THE SOURCE, THE ORIGINAL PLACE… IN MY DREAMS!!!! IT ONLY CAME SOMEWHERE HERE!!! I WAS INITIALLY EXTREMELY HAPPY TO RECEIVE IT BUT IT MEANT NOTHING AT ALL….  PEOPLE SPILL THE TRUTH AND THANKS FOR NOTHING ANYWAY.  I WAS THINKING OF EATING THOSE GOODIES.  BUT, NEVER MIND.  NO THANKS.  NEVER MIND, I CAN ALWAYS TELL FEW FRIENDS TO GET ME REAL ONES FROM THE SOURCE, THE PLACE ITSELF… WHY BOTHER???  THANKS TO YOUR FRIENDS, AT LEAST THAT I FOUND OUT THE TRUTH FROM THEM.

DUH… WHO CARES WITH THOSE VALENTINES PRESENT??? HE CAN GET SO MANY FROM A LOT OF THEM… MY GIFT ALWAYS NEVER MAKE A COUNT…

I WISH TO RETURN TO MY PREVIOUS SCHOOL.  NO BULLIES AND NO ONE MEAN!!! AT LEAST, MY PREVIOUS SCHOOL REALLY SEES THAT I AM GOOD PERSON WITH A GOOD HEART.  THEY SEE ME AS THE KIDS SEE ME… IT’S SO UPSETTING TO FIND OUT THE TRUTH BEHIND MY SUNNY!!!

This is the real greeting rooted from the hearts from the children who can see my true goodness and appreciate that time I shared with them!!! Thank you kids for the acceptance, kindness and love.

SUNNY??? MORE THAN A THOUSAND HEARTACHES!!! 💔💔💔Worth Nothing At All💤💤💤

So, I found out the truth. Tsk. Done deleting those posts.  NOTHING WAS FOR REAL.

DIVIDED BY FOUR = I PAID MORE THAN THAT FOR MY GIFT….. a chocolate from a child came from him or her, heartily given… NO DIVIDED BY…

I hope to return to those people who truly cared for me and valued what I shared to them.  The presents that really and truly came from the heart.  The Thousand Sunny that gave me joy only made me gloomy.  I was so proud telling my sister about it and didn’t go out with my friends to assemble it.  Sunny is my gloomy ship, fake one. NOT TRUE!   I thought that it was something that I treasured.  NOPE, IT CAME FROM EVERYONE… BE HAPPY!!! What I GAVE NEVER CAME FROM EVERYONE….

I was so lame for taking those videos and photos… even put it as my screensaver…, wallpaper…. EVERYTHING MUST BE DELETED COZ SUNNY IS FAKE!!!!

THE TRUTH HURTS BUT STILL IT’S THE TRUTH…. I DON’T WANT TO SING WITH IT NOR I DON’T WANT MY SUNNY ANYMORE….

ALL THE EXCITEMENT AND HAPPINESS ONLY TRASHED WITH THE TRUTH.

SOMETIMES I WISH TO LIVE IN A DREAM WHERE HE IS SWEET AND GORGEOUS… NO BULLYING AND NO MEAN PEOPLE!!!!

I MAYBE SEEN AS MEAN BUT AT LEAST FOR THOSE PEOPLE I KNEW, THEY KNOW ME VERY WELL THAT I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEY SEE MY HEART, NOT MY AGE NOR MY PHYSICAL FLAWS. (My family and a lot of people at home knew too well what I sacrificed). It feels awful but I know too well that Jesus knows my heart.

I ALWAYS PLANNED THAT VALENTINE PRESENT.  I ALREADY BOUGHT MY CARD.  BUT WHAT’S THE POINT? NOTHING IS REAL. I THOUGHT OF GIVING ‘THANK YOU’ VALENTINE PRESENT FOR EVERYONE.  BUT NEVER MIND.  THE TRUTH HURTS.  IT ALWAYS DO.  AND NEVER MIND, IT DOESN’T MATTER ANYWAY.   NOTHING IS TRUE.  WHAT IS BEAUTIFUL ONLY EXIST IN MY IMAGINATION AND DREAMS.

I DELETED THOSE POSTS AND MAYBE I SHOULD THROW AWAY MY SUNNY AWAY!!! CAPTAIN, YOU ALWAYS THE SOURCE OF MY CHILDISH DELIGHT BUT THIS TIME AROUND, YOU’RE MY HEARTACHE.  I THOUGHT SUNNY CAME FROM ELSEWHERE BUT IT SIMPLY CAME FROM PLACES I’VE BEEN… THEN, HOW IS IT DIFFERENT FROM THE FAKE ONES THAT I CAN GET ONLINE? IT’S ABOUT THE SAME PRICE!!!! FAKES ONES ARE ALSO NICELY PACKAGED UNLESS IT COMES FROM THE SOURCE.  THE SOURCE, THE ORIGINAL PLACE… IN MY DREAMS!!!! IT ONLY CAME SOMEWHERE HERE!!! I WAS INITIALLY EXTREMELY HAPPY TO RECEIVE IT BUT IT MEANT NOTHING AT ALL….  PEOPLE SPILL THE TRUTH AND THANKS FOR NOTHING ANYWAY.  I WAS THINKING OF EATING THOSE GOODIES.  BUT, NEVER MIND.  NO THANKS.  NEVER MIND, I CAN ALWAYS TELL FEW FRIENDS TO GET ME REAL ONES FROM THE SOURCE, THE PLACE ITSELF… WHY BOTHER???  THANKS TO YOUR FRIENDS, AT LEAST THAT I FOUND OUT THE TRUTH FROM THEM.

DUH… WHO CARES WITH THOSE VALENTINES PRESENT??? HE CAN GET SO MANY FROM A LOT OF THEM… MY GIFT ALWAYS NEVER MAKE A COUNT…

I WISH TO RETURN TO MY PREVIOUS SCHOOL.  NO BULLIES AND NO ONE MEAN!!! AT LEAST, MY PREVIOUS SCHOOL REALLY SEES THAT I AM GOOD PERSON WITH A GOOD HEART.  THEY SEE ME AS THE KIDS SEE ME… IT’S SO UPSETTING TO FIND OUT THE TRUTH BEHIND MY SUNNY!!!

This is the real greeting rooted from the hearts from the children who can see my true goodness and appreciate that time I shared what them!!! Thank you kids for the acceptance, kindness and love.

SUNNY??? MORE THAN A THOUSAND HEARTACHES!!! 💔💔💔Worth Nothing At All💤💤💤

So, I found out the truth. Tsk. Done deleting those posts.  NOTHING WAS FOR REAL.

I hope to return to those people who truly cared for me and valued what I shared to them.  The presents that really and truly came from the heart.  The Thousand Sunny that gave me joy only made me gloomy.  I was so proud telling my sister about it and didn’t go out with my friends to assemble it.  Sunny is my gloomy ship, fake one. NOT TRUE!   I thought that it was something that I treasured.  NOPE, IT CAME FROM EVERYONE… BE HAPPY!!! What I GAVE NEVER CAME FROM EVERYONE….

I was so lame for taking those videos and photos… even put it as my screensaver…, wallpaper…. EVERYTHING MUST BE DELETED COZ SUNNY IS FAKE!!!!

THE TRUTH HURTS BUT STILL IT’S THE TRUTH…. I DON’T WANT TO SING WITH IT NOR I DON’T WANT MY SUNNY ANYMORE….

ALL THE EXCITEMENT AND HAPPINESS ONLY TRASHED WITH THE TRUTH.

SOMETIMES I WISH TO LIVE IN A DREAM WHERE HE IS SWEET AND GORGEOUS… NO BULLYING AND NO MEAN PEOPLE!!!!

I MAYBE SEEN AS MEAN BUT AT LEAST FOR THOSE PEOPLE I KNEW, THEY KNOW ME VERY WELL THAT I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEY SEE MY HEART, NOT MY AGE NOR MY PHYSICAL FLAWS. (My family and a lot of people at home knew too well what I sacrificed). It feels awful but I know too well that Jesus knows my heart.

I ALWAYS PLANNED THAT VALENTINE PRESENT.  I ALREADY BOUGHT MY CARD.  BUT WHAT’S THE POINT? NOTHING IS REAL. I THOUGHT OF GIVING ‘THANK YOU’ VALENTINE PRESENT FOR EVERYONE.  BUT NEVER MIND.  THE TRUTH HURTS.  IT ALWAYS DO.  AND NEVER MIND, IT DOESN’T MATTER ANYWAY.   NOTHING IS TRUE.  WHAT IS BEAUTIFUL ONLY EXIST IN MY IMAGINATION AND DREAMS.

I DELETED THOSE POSTS AND MAYBE I SHOULD THROW AWAY MY SUNNY AWAY!!! CAPTAIN, YOU ALWAYS THE SOURCE OF MY CHILDISH DELIGHT BUT THIS TIME AROUND, YOU’RE MY HEARTACHE.  I THOUGHT SUNNY CAME FROM ELSEWHERE BUT IT SIMPLY CAME FROM PLACES I’VE BEEN… THEN, HOW IS IT DIFFERENT FROM THE FAKE ONES THAT I CAN GET ONLINE? IT’S ABOUT THE SAME PRICE!!!! FAKES ONES ARE ALSO NICELY PACKAGED UNLESS IT COMES FROM THE SOURCE.  THE SOURCE, THE ORIGINAL PLACE… IN MY DREAMS!!!! IT ONLY CAME SOMEWHERE HERE!!! I WAS INITIALLY EXTREMELY HAPPY TO RECEIVE IT BUT IT MEANT NOTHING AT ALL….  PEOPLE SPILL THE TRUTH AND THANKS FOR NOTHING ANYWAY.  I WAS THINKING OF EATING THOSE GOODIES.  BUT, NEVER MIND.  NO THANKS.  NEVER MIND, I CAN ALWAYS TELL FEW FRIENDS TO GET ME REAL ONES FROM THE SOURCE, THE PLACE ITSELF… WHY BOTHER???  THANKS TO YOUR FRIENDS, AT LEAST THAT I FOUND OUT THE TRUTH FROM THEM.

DUH… WHO CARES WITH THOSE VALENTINES PRESENT??? HE CAN GET SO MANY FROM A LOT OF THEM… MY GIFT ALWAYS NEVER MAKE A COUNT…

I WISH TO RETURN TO MY PREVIOUS SCHOOL.  NO BULLIES AND NO ONE MEAN!!! AT LEAST, MY PREVIOUS SCHOOL REALLY SEES THAT I AM GOOD PERSON WITH A GOOD HEART.  THEY SEE ME AS THE KIDS SEE ME… IT’S SO UPSETTING TO FIND OUT THE TRUTH BEHIND MY SUNNY!!!

This is the real greeting rooted from the hearts from the children who can see my true goodness and appreciate that time I shared what them!!! Thank you kids for the acceptance, kindness and love.

Faker

Too much overthinking

I did what was unthinkable

What it was like to do

What I learned from you?

Your bag must be precious

Thus, forgot you were gorgeous

Dashing quickly on my heels

I ignored, I didn’t know you too

I was so mean, really really bad

That was what you made me do

You thought it was easy for me?

It really felt awful, my heart broke!!!💔💔💔

Obviously you wouldn’t care

At the end of the day, I spilled it

Accusing you as someone as a faker

You knew me in, I didn’t exist out

You always ridiculed me in the room

You didn’t know my name outside

What a faker? How about me?

Always the worst and the meanest

Pretending not to care all this time…

Who am to judge when I’m alike?

Yes, I’m no different coz I’M A FAKER TOO!!!

Faking my feelings, hiding the truth

Forgive me but you never gave a damn

So, I just looked up to God for apologies

Not that Kind of Girl

Thanks heavens for my kids were such lovable little darlings, my sweet beautiful angels. I was with the girls and we reflected on the maxims. So, I shared to them that I am labeled as the meanest. Amazement and disbelief were written all over their faces and they just laughed it off, as if it was one bad corny joke.

Am I really the meanest? Well, I pray to God to lend me His good heart all the time. Then, despite what others think, I’ll still choose to do what is good and right. When situation arises, I remind myself to humbly admit and apologise when I do wrong. Not only that, I must also always find it in my heart to forgive others.

I’m grateful to spend my Saturday with them because this is the kind of girl I am.

I may the kind of girl that you oftentimes see wearing high heels and stilettos, and overdressed all the time. Hopefully that you’ll find in in your heart that I am not that kind of girl who takes advantage on others, selfish, materialistic and attention-seeker. I am not the kind who only thinks of myself and even looks down on others.

Well, I am the girl loved and raised by my father who is always grateful to the Almighty, loves life to the fullest and always ready and willing to share my blessings, talents and time to God and others as well.

In addition, I am not even that kind of girl who pretends and wears mask to get what she only wants. For I am that kind of girl who doesn’t live in lies and always tries my best to remain true. If I maybe keeping my distance because I am not that kind of girl who is very aggressive, flirtatious, needy, obsessive and pushy. I am the girl who respect others space for I love with liberty, understanding and with no criteria or measures. I guess, you should have known that for now. I don’t love because I needed to be loved, or to escape my status, or for stability and security. I love with no reason at all. I love because I love you. I DO.

Good night!

By Shuree ‘One Girl (Can Change the World)’

Gone & Taken

Heard and seen, always known

There’s truth in a pal’s tales

The glass shattered in pieces

Pray harder, call all the saints!

What’s the use he’s already taken?

The usual day, filled with shades

On separate ways, another path

His direction to her not to me

His silhouette slowly perished

Out of my sight into her arms

Suddenly he’s gone & taken by her

Was it a dream when he was there?

Over and over again, I am the joke

Am I just an automaton in the room?

Guess what, I’m like everyone else!

It’s not easy to hide and pretend

And it’s my deepest melancholy

To witness him gone and taken by her

By Martin Garrix & Dua Lipa ‘Scared To Be Lonely’

New Year, New Hair Disaster!

It’s the time of the year when I really put an effort to change my hairstyle. Yet, I ended up with the worst hair ever. Well, it was language barrier at its finest! I requested for a bob cut and a lighter colour dye on my hair when I was at the salon. I was so relax watching animation movie on my phone. Then, to my dismay my hair was cut short with no layering and no style. My hair looked so thick and messy. To add up, the person who attended to me bleached my hair. I never had this colour in my entire life because it is not allowed in any of my working places ever since. When I saw my hair on the mirror, I really wanted to cry. I had teary eyes. I was so angry that I kept quiet. The person wasn’t that bad he discounted me with everything. However, the damage was done. I didn’t make a scene. I also felt guilty because he was trying his best to make me feel good. Yet, there was no undoing… I must face the music and be brave enough to face all criticisms. Gosh, I felt like someone who had a terrible breakup that I totally overhauled my hair to the extreme. I lost my image and identity!

When I was in the party at my friend’s place, a friend commented if I am going to audition for K-pop. One added that it looked like I had a doll’s hair. I was the subject of ridicule….

Then, when I went to my brother’s place, my Sister-in-law thought I was wearing a wig. My brother called me Dragon’s Ball Z Super saiyan or one of the trolls.

The worst that I feared is what will my boss will say. I expect scolding. What a day to start the New Year! Help me God coz I needed few days to change the colour of my hair.

Can We Choose Who We Love?

Perhaps, love isn’t ours to define and it doesn’t have criteria nor standards. No matter how we escape or refuse it, love will always lead us to someone whom already etched in our hearts.

Old flick time and I chose to watch ‘The Reader”. At first, I felt it was gross and inappropriate for a 36 year old woman named Hanna Schmitz to have a relationship with an 15 year old boy named Michael Berg. Yet, the movie was more than the May-December affair of an older woman and younger man but about a different kind of genuine love which defies age and status, and also the circumstances surrounding them. Indeed, age doesn’t matter when it comes to love.

According to Michael Berg, ‘Only One Thing Can Make a Soul Complete and That Thing is LOVE’.

Hanna knew Michael is much younger and she never called him by his name. She referred him as ‘kid’. Michael, on the other hand, never said a word to anyone about his relationship with Hanna. During those times, the kind of relationship they shared was a taboo and unacceptable to the society. Michael’s denial only affected him as he aged and part of him still sought that kind of love he had for Hanna.

Perhaps, Hanna also couldn’t admit to herself that she loved someone way much younger than her. She was never opened with her feelings. However, the love they had inspired them to do what they could have done.

The movie taught me that doing something to someone you cherished isn’t a favour that person owed you. Likewise, it’s your gift to your soul that gives joy within because such love taught you courage, humility, generosity and being true to yourself. Love wears no masks, no pretending for it is being WHO YOU ARE AROUND THAT PERSON WHOM FATE BROUGHT FOR YOU TO LOVE.

Is love really our choice? Can we really choose who to love? There are times that I don’t know what to feel anymore and ashamed of what I really feel. Sometimes I suppressed my feelings and just be numbed…. like putting anaesthesia in my heart in your presence… Can I really choose not to love again and again? Will I be like Hanna? Why not let love be if you’ll let me love you more?

The Stranger is my Midnight Lover

Forgetting all my heartaches

The deadly rage within takes a pause

A brief cinema in the world of my head

A soap opera of my unconsciousness

A drama created by my production

No scripts and no auditions required

Only the desires and longings of my heart

Perhaps, it is never a vision

Something beyond unreal

But the feeling brings me to heaven

***

The climax of the scene is bidding farewell

The lover in tears and refuses her to leave

So afraid that she won’t return and leave for good —

She hugs him tightly and explains with kisses

A romantic moment that she’ll always remember

She packs her luggage and flies  to her father’s land

Reuniting with old  friends but something is missing

Rekindling the joys of the past while her heart’s bleeding

She no longer belongs to the shadow of yesterday

She  wants  to share all tomorrows with him

***

It is time to claim her most precious gift

When she enters in the room, he’s no longer there

Is it too late? Why he must leave so soon?

She cries and runs fast towards the door

Then, he gently grabs her shaking hand

Her skin  feels really cold and her heart is alive

The magic of that minute creeps into her soul

He said, “You thought I won’t come

But I am always here waiting”

Together holding each others’ hand

Flying together at the spiral staircase

***

What an authentic joy in my dreams!

Hey, the sun is on duty now!

It’s time to move on and live

He’s no longer my midnight lover

But a nameless man standing  by the road

And whose heart will soon be mine!

(X.O.X.O…. You know i love you and always will… wake up now… X.O.X.O. Don’t you miss me?  X.O.X.O. We’ll find one another… someday… somehow… all over again… our confusions will be over… and it will be no longer just a dream.  X.O.X.O…. I love you so!)


by The Corrs “Only in my Dreams”

Published on 2 March 2012, 1.02PM

Cry Baby: ‘the Saddest Girl Ever Existed’

Saddest girl she has to be
Salty tears stream down her cheek
Her heart’s bigger than her body
Her name is Cry Baby

cry babyWhat’s with the drama? Oops, nothing is wrong, I’m just bored.  In other words, I have nothing better to do with my life as of this moment (aside from sleeping and watching AHEMBsl8itfIcAEUk56, LOL).  By the way, I managed to make 149 cranes for my personal ‘1,000 Cranes Project’, which I aim to complete this month.

So, I was listening to songs I am addicted to last time and one of the artists whose music I enjoyed is Melanie Martinez.  I really love Melanie Martinez and her ‘Cry Baby’ album, all the songs are worth listening.  My favourite tracks are ‘Training Wheels’, ‘Cry Baby’, ‘Doll House’ and ‘Pity Party’.  I’ve been listening to the Cry Baby album since it was released in 2015.  Even until now, I am still watching the music videos because they’re creatively done and everything just captivates me.  The songs in the album are interrelated and there’s a story behind every track.  Melanie Martinez is not only an amazing singer and composer but a magnificent storyteller too! Kudos!

Sadly, true or not, it’s quite disappointing that Melanie Martinez is accused of sexually assaulting another female, Timothy Heller ( new artist and one of her best friends).

From Timothy Heller’s tweets:

Timothy Heller

Melanie Martinez’ response to the allegations:

Melanie Martinez response to Timothy Heller

Read more: http://www.independent.co.uk

By Melanie Matinez “Cry Baby”

Find out more: http://melaniemartinezmusic.com/crybaby/

My baby has finally arrived!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️😍😍😍🎂😇😇😇🌈🌈🌈🌈🎉🎉🎉

And my Captain together with his crew are also here to join the fun! Got my friend Totoro freebie❤️❤️❤️😘😘😘

Upcoming: 1,000 Cranes Project (Work in Progress)

 

Wasting in my lonely tower

gen_collage1

“I was the one who had it all
I was the master of my fate
I never needed anybody in my life
I learned the truth too late”

***

I’m all by myself in the office today. I brought my speakers and fancy lamp to brighten the unlighted room. I’m free to do the things I wanted and I could dine inside (and no one would nag). Then, I was super vain that I took a lot of selfies. Not caring if I wore my old clothes today and I put heavy matte lipstick, ’22’ from Kylie’s lip kit. Well, it didn’t matter because no one was looking. Free as the birds outside my window but it rained on my way home, so there were no birds at all.

Well, there was a song that struck me, from the movie “Beauty and the Beast”. I feel like Beast right now, every lines of the song hit me to the core. I could relate to the lyrics and who would thought that I have feelings too. All this time, I already thought that I forgot how to feel and I could remain locked in my self-made tower and be isolated. Suddenly, there was something written… Things happened that I couldn’t control…

I’ll never shake away the pain
I close my eyes but he’s still there
I let him steal into my melancholy heart
It’s more than I can bear

Now I know he’ll never leave me
Even as he runs away
He will still torment me, calm me, hurt me
Move me, come what may

Wasting in my lonely tower
Waiting by an open door
I’ll fool myself he’ll walk right in
And be with me for evermore

I rage against the trials of love
I curse the fading of the light
Though he’s already flown so far beyond my reach
He’s never out of sight

Now I know he’ll never leave me
Even as he fades from view
He will still inspire me, be a part of
Everything I do

(lyrics from https://www.disneyclips.com/lyrics/evermore.html)

by Dan Stevens “Evermore” (Ost Beauty and the Beast)

1st Sunday of Advent with Friends

I had a good laugh, and I talked and ate a lot not caring if I’d put a lot of weight today. Who could resist Japanese cuisine? It was an early Christmas get together with my Holy Family Church pals. My friend commented I am one of the true individuals she met (NOT PLASTIC, NEVER!). She added that I am daringly dressed up outside but I am actually conservative inside. Oops, I agree to that and thanks to her for pointing out. By the way, I loved the grilled salmon that I even ate the fish’s eyeball. Gluttony!!! By the way, I failed the lipstick challenge! My lips too thick!

My cravings put me to sin. Nevertheless, I was all prepared, overly dressed as usual and expected. I always wanted to wear those boots for a long time. There’s no winter in Singapore but let’s pretend I came from another country. The lady in the church who sold me something couldn’t even recognise that we came from same roots.

The joke of the day that I playfully uttered to my friends (with all the get-up), ‘I’m a celebrity before who already quit showbiz’ LOL. My celebrity complex is getting to me again.

A quick stroll around Orchard Central and a bit of shopping. Gosh, so crowded! (Discovered a newly opened 24-hr Japanese store)

After the fun and yummy dining, I went to the mass at the Cathedral, Church of Good Shepherd. After mass, the Archbishop William Goh’s message about the significance of gift-giving during the season was played. I couldn’t remember his exact words but it sounded like ‘when you give people presents, you’re not doing them a favour but you’re giving yourself a chance to share your blessings for everything God has generously gave you’. In other words, you’re giving yourself a favour in doing so. It’s not only about the gifts but it’s the opportunity to make others feel that they’re important, appreciated and remembered.

Actually, I’m jotting down notes for what to give this Christmas. The essence of sharing for me is not receiving back but to spread love and happiness. The smiles that I will see on their faces are more than enough for me. I hope to give everyone at home presents like I used to do. After all, I am still the same, always thinking of others first before myself.

I am fully aware that my sister wouldn’t understand why I turned down her request to sponsor a Children’s party. I had nothing against it. I was the founder of it ever since I was a child. After all, I used to be the president of the community for almost a decade and I used to initiate everything. I just wanted her to understand that when I did it, I was not alone although my father was always been generous. I motivated others to do their roles too. It was a group effort. I may be the captain then but the ship sailed because each one did an integral part. I never lead to be known and praised, I was there because I wanted others to feel that they belonged and it was never a one-man show. I always knew how to share the stage and I never needed the spotlight to feel important and needed.

My words were unkind for I indirectly said that you can never share what you don’t have. Honestly, I didn’t mind giving but didn’t I give so much? All my life it was all about them and so little room for myself. Tough love isn’t easy because I knew I hurt her feelings but I should let it be so that I would allow her to grow and fly on her own, take responsibilities and be humble to reach out to others. Now, I am reminded what I used to do every time I organised every youth and children’s parties. I did those stuff since I was fourteen until I left home. Of course, I pulled everything because I was so thick-skinned and Papa was always my avid supporter.

Christmas is around the corner! Rejoice, my friend, if you a non-believer! God is everybody’s saviour so you’re never excluded from His list this season.

Tomorrow won’t be a drama although all by myself and no one remembers or think of me. It’s freedom day coz I can eat inside and blast the music without anyone complaining. I can wear anything maybe I can wear shorts with matching backless or halter! 😂😂😂😘❤️ I can bring my disco lights!!! One day of freedom!!! Deep inside, I will actually miss everyone especially special…

3 J’s

Spring cleaning today of our L3 cupboards and payer space for our Catechism session already ended this year. Afterwards, I had lunch with my fellow Catechists at Saizerya in Seletar Mall. Thanks for my friend for the lunch treat and it didn’t end there for we had another coffee, a treat by another friend at Ya Kun Family Cafe.

As we discussed our plans for next year’s Catechism L3 sessions, one of my friends shared about the 3 J’s.

What are my 3 J’s this week?

The first J is Joy. What made me happy this week? I was happy with the breakfast treat that my boss gave daily for this week. I’m delighted that I finished the digital painting and drawing that my team will give to our Principal for her retirement gift. I hope my friends like what I did. It will make me happier (I’m not sure if they did like the art pieces I made). Also today my friend told me that I was doing well in my session and she appreciated how I projected my voice. Then, my colleague mentioned that her son was in my class. Her son liked and looked forward for my class every week, and he even applied what he learned at home. All the while I thought there was something wrong with how I spoke and my accent would hinder me in delivering my lessons and sessions. I felt happy for the appreciations and praises.

THE 2ND J IS JUNK! JUNK!!! WHAT MADE ME FEEL AWFUL THIS WEEK? OBVIOUSLY THE STRANGER TREATMENT AND THE RUN AWAY (I THOUGHT AS) FRIEND. I felt the junk but not his… LOL! And so as part of the AVENGERS, my power was the music blast!!! Who’s the stranger now???? Then, I was obliged by my sibling to rush things, which I hated because I had initial plans. The worst part was the truth about my bracelet. God knows I worked hard for it and I treasured it with all my heart. O, Mama when will all the lies end?

The third J is Jesus. How did I choose to follow Jesus this week? I was not that angry but very very mad to the max that there were invisible smoke that came out from ears and nostrils. However, I didn’t let my anger swallow my goodness and draw me to isolation. I chose to forgive and be a friend. I didn’t count what I did or what I have done, or even tolerated. I chose humility over pride, and my position didn’t stick in my head. Thus, instead of hate, I spread kindness and shared. I even let the one who ruined my day chose what he liked and the price never mattered. It was not intentional. I just knew that the person was quite picky and particular. Then, this week were my sister and nephew’s birthdays and also shared with them my blessings so that they would have a good time in their respective celebrations. I pray to Jesus that my Mama will stop lying for others’ sake and just for once she’ll also consider my feelings. Above all, I spent my time wisely together with my friends in Christ. Next year, I’m looking forward to share my love for Christ to others and grow more in faith. Others think that I’m lame because of I cherished my family and faith with all my heart. No issue with me. Whatever they’ll say, I still do my best to remain in the light and pray everyday for God’s guidance so that I won’t lost my way again.

I maybe lame but tomorrow I’ll walk with my knee-high boots for a lunch out with my friends. It has been quite some time since I last wore it.

Too Old

Spark at the beginning

I like you ever since

You stir my emotions

Enjoying the fun 

Always a good laugh

I know, I’m too old

What’s the big deal?

Age doesn’t matter

For I just can’t help

Feeling this way

You’re too addictive

My happy pill

And stress relief

Forever be yours

One Piece avid fan

I should have not get the phone casings because I’m going to change my phone soon.  But when I saw them on sale, I forgot my plans.  Luffy and your crew, what have you done to me? LoL Can’t wait to go home and watch the latest episode…

Recycle Bin Emptied

Life doesn’t keep scores

Whether I win or lose

I did carve you within

Words in my sleep were right

Time to tidy up the mess

Get rid of all the memories!

***

Put my efforts to my pieces

Used to inspire my art

That turned as my trash

None was meant to hurt

My indirect vengeance

A scheme unplanned

***

I want to draw another

The scars left behind

My tragedy and fear

Can’t paint the same

The portraits needed to go

Soft copies must be deleted

My Recycle Bin emptied

Thanks for all the pains

I’m braver & stronger now!!!

Can I paint someone new?

Certainly, got the courage!

Am I allowed to do so?

God, all I wanted is to share

To give my all and love too!

I know that I can. I will!

For there’ll be one man

He’ll treasure the portraits

Making him proud too!

By Grant Gustin “Running Home to You”

10,000 Reasons

A morning of prayer and thanksgiving… and farewell to a great leader.

I’m thankful for all my blessings and the good things that happened in my life. I am too grateful, so I also gave thanks to the people who helped me even if I am difficult and distant.

I’ll worship Your holy name

You’re rich in love

And You’re slow to anger

Your name is great

And Your heart is kind

For all Your goodness

I will keep on singing

10, 000 Reasons for my heart to find

Bless the Lord, oh my soul

By Matt Redman “10,000 Reasons”

Seize the Day!

My cough kept me awake from time to time from nighttime till dawn. When I already slept soundly, I was awakened by a tremendous sound of continuous thunders. It frightened me even more knowing that I am left alone in the house, uncle and aunty went for a trip overseas for three days now. Due to lightning, there was a power trip. Hence, all lights went off! I’M SUCH A SCARY CAT!!! I’m afraid of the dark and thunder, plus no one was there. I initially panicked, dropped my phone facedown and broke its screen protector (I just replaced it 2 weeks ago). ‘Trust in Jesus, trust in Jesus!’ I kept reminding myself.

What a heavy rain! High heels not for today! At work, I thought that I’m free from teaching and I could do other tasks instead. Besides, I already offered to assist. Yet, another class was waiting. I couldn’t shortchange the kids and tell them that I have nothing to teach. Thus, despite my cough, I managed to deliver the lessons in between my barking. Then, when I was about to eat my free lunch at the canteen, another class came inside the com lab. I thought no more lessons for today! Yet, this is my last day with these kids. Next year, they’ll be on another level and they won’t be in my class again. Why not seize the day and give them something to remember? So, I did what I could by giving them an interesting lesson and gave out prizes afterwards.

I missed the free lunch. Well, it was alright since I did my part in my responsibilities. Nevertheless, I’m grateful to my friend for he gave me the burger that was given to him. So, I didn’t spend anything for lunch after all! Thanks❤️🙏🏻

By Spongecola “Bahaghari”

11.11: Farewell My Angels

I told myself I wouldn’t love or be involved again.  I’d rather hide in my cave and be the couch potato queen.  Live an unhealthy lifestyle and grow fat, dressed badly walking on ballerina shoes; and don’t even bother to find out my purpose.  Yet, love has many forms!

I claimed not needing anyone for I am contented with the company of myself.  When I left home, I slammed the door to shut everyone out in my life.  Perhaps, there was an erroneous choice I once made that dragged me to hell because I thought it was what I needed and wanted at the moment of my anxieties and frustrations.

Hey, Lord! Thanks for Your saving grace that opened my eyes to the essential of my existence.  When You brought me to where I truly belonged,  I slowly accepted my reality and learned to trust in Your plans. Everything didn’t come instantaneously, the process took awhile. Indeed, I was truly a slow learner. So, that was Your way of teaching me to be more understanding and patient as a person for others.  I am totally imperfect and I still need to work on my flaws over difficult people who are slaves of their egos.

I told You, I couldn’t.  Didn’t I? Not the centerstage again, I am told that it wasn’t my cup of tea.  What did I know about children? What else I could say about You? So, on my third year in service, You gave me children under my wings.  Whaaaat??? A new challenge and different responsibilities….

In the midst of this year, the circumstances of the situation, almost took me away from those angels.  Remember what I said to You, ‘there’s no taking back with what You have given and for sure You won’t allow Your sheep unaided.’

You answered me in a dream.  I dreamt of this day except in that dream I brought them ice cream but all my friend and I brought them were boxes of pizza.  Well, when you fed children, they could be perfectly well-behaved.  

Well, these children were my angels in desperate times.  In that time, when I was swallowed by the whale of darkness, God gave me these angels to assure me that nothing was impossible in Him. 

 I am always misunderstood. I admit when my heart and pride are pierced, my tongue is pulled down. Then, I’m left speechless and I’d rather be isolated.  I really don’t know how to deal with my anger.  I wish that I could shout and scold people, or pretend that I am cool with everything even if I am not.

It wasn’t a good day yesterday.  My body gave up on me.  I was exhausted but I pushed myself to keep kicking for I took my responsibilities seriously.  The people around me made me feel that being a goody two shoes was incorrect and a big joke.  

Thank you my angels for being restless at the beginning but with all the words you said, I am reminded that I introduced you to Jesus in a different way, which made you love and trust Him even more.  

I am not good in getting angry and expressing myself.  I don’t know how to deal with anger.  It only stressed me out that made me withdrawn from others.  I don’t even know how to nag or scold…. All I can do is cry… But, despite my tears, I can still face the world bravely with an ageless bright smile.

Thanks to you my angels for making me feel good and teaching me to love and be true to my commitment.  Thank you also for showing me to love Jesus even more. Thus, I didn’t let rain nor my sickness stopped me to be with you for the last time.  I hope I could stop you from growing and flapping your wings to the world because I feared the tendency that one of you may be like Anakin Skywalker who grew to become the Darth Vader.  Yet, you have to fly on your own to spread Jesus’ love.

Our journey in faith isn’t over.  Keep moving forward with confidence in Jesus.  Don’t be like the foolish bridesmaids but be like the wise ones who always had oil in their lamps.  Farewell my angels, till we meet again!

It’s My Birthday! 18 Again!

I’m the debutante today for the second time!  I wore a navy blue cocktail dress with a flower wreath on my head.  It felt good to be young again!  (I looked more confident and prettier this time compared to my actual 18th birthday.  It’s what you call growing old gracefully).

I had fun and enjoyed the whole celebration.  All hardwork paid off!


I just didn’t enjoy dressing up!  But I also did my part in making the whole presentation a success.


Thanks to all my groupmates and friends for all their contributions.  I’m grateful to all these very talented and skillful ladies!  


I woke up early to prepare all the stuff needed.  My friends were there to help me and they brought all the tasty food too!  Wow, it’s teamwork as it’s finest!  Thanks to our teacher, Ms Anabelle for everything she shared and taught us!  I totally don’t have confidence in baking for I thought it is tough to make all those cakes, breads and other pastries.  Thanks to this course, I learned a new skill and discovered that baking isn’t that tough at all!  The course has ended but I’m looking forward for more opportunities to bake more and more…

In Darkness there’s Light

Insulted. Absolutely! Definitely!

Are we made of plastics?

So nice and friendly inside 

Outside, go ahead avoid me!

Embarrassed of my age?

Shame on you for judging me!

I am not only made of numbers 

My heart is forever young

Always appreciating little pleasures

My soul will never age in God

For it is not restricted to time 

I know you can’t see me at all

For you were not even looking

It’s alright if you can’t appreciate 

I’ll always remain to be true to myself 

The birthday bash and presents

I won’t waste them on someone 

Who never cared and bothered 

Besides, you’ll receive a lot from many

So you won’t notice if I won’t give my gifts

If only you knew and spend that day with me

You’ll be the happiest, the best day ever!

I hope it makes your spirit high

Humiliating and poking your jokes on me

Of course, young girls are plenty 

If you only knew and find it within

No one will ever love you same way as I can

You don’t know, you never looked closely!

In darkness I hid, strolling unseen

Dressed in white, did I become a ghost?

In darkness, I found my serenity

No matter how many times you ridicule me

The light within will always be on fire

By Kesha “Girl on Fire”

The Last Message

In the middle of all the ridicules and humiliations, when I’m stuck in the reality where I don’t matter and exist anymore.  The Devil surely did a good job in feeding me with all the lies.  Yet, in my defence, the angels made me remember those wonderful memories that I kept only to myself.

Yeah, it was the longest-running infatuation but it began beautifully and how I described it was my favourite lines of all time.

Audrey Hepburn

“It was one boring lesson and I was definitely hungry.  My teacher didn’t only look like a goat but he sounded like one.  I felt like sleeping in class.  So, to control myself from falling asleep, I looked around to keep my drowsy eyes occupied.  Then, at that unexpected moment, you trapped my sight with your presence.  I was glued to you, despite of the fact that your friend was much cuter.  You were goofing around on the stairs not so far from where I was.  I couldn’t take my eyes off because you had the loveliest smile that I ever seen.  At that very instant, the world stopped rotating and the background froze.  It felt that it was only both of us existed in the world, and everyone’s existence dissolved and blurred from that scene.  Then, the only sound I heard was the melody from the piano.  There was only you and I, and I could hear the music looping in my heart.”

We were children back then, what did I know?  All I am determined to achieve was to create a name for myself.  When that time would happen, I wouldn’t tremble anymore when you would be there.  After all, you were the only man that I ever knew who completed my checklist for the ideal guy.  I admit that I was not that loyal, I played along with the options.  However, you were always the number one and the best.  Yet, you were almost perfect that made everything about you scary.  Suddenly, you were gone, Cleopatra was reborn and the attention I got was not really that pleasing at times.

I was an inferior teenage girl.  But, in college I was overconfident and everything was so easy to me.  I am always selected and lots of people wanted to be my friends.  I became a part of many things.  Perhaps, in school and my community, I etched a name for myself.

After I received my degree’s cert, you were the first one I searched.  I never told anyone but you were the only one I dared and put effort to reach out.  Well, I had my resources.  If I really paid attention to it, I could nominate myself as the best stalker.  Nonetheless, why should I be one?  That was the prime of my teens, I had the time of my life and I always enjoyed the little pleasures and suprises the world could offer.  In other words, I was too busy that I couldn’t spare a second in stalking you.  Sorry to disappoint your expectations but my obsession never led me to such extremes. Anyway, I only did whatever I did out of my impulsiveness because I thought at that point, I am already valiant enough because I already made it in college.

What they didn’t know, for a brief time, we exchanged messages and dropped calls.  When I heard your voice after five years, it was a disbelief that it made me awake for the entire night.  My apologies to those guys who thought I was into them because the truth was I only danced along with the music of my youth.

Several random messages were exchanged between us.  Suddenly, you asked me to come to the place where you were playing pool.  I refused but you insisted.  I wanted to be there but I couldn’t.  I am still not your equal.  My fears were greater than my feelings.  Plus, I couldn’t violate my dignity and pride. I convinced myself that it was not time yet.  Not yet.

I had my chance but I blew it because I had nothing to prove to you and everyone else.  I still couldn’t draw same as you could.  In addition, I still couldn’t prove myself that I deserved that seat in my class and I belonged in that place where we found one another… I’m not just the lucky one, I belonged too!

Prior to deleting your mobile number.  I used my creativity in writing to compose the last message I sent to you…

“It doesn’t matter.  Actually, nothing matters at all.  As long as I know that same sun and moon shine above our heads, I will always be fine.  May they watch over you and won’t fail to tell you that I truly cared even from a distance.”

MESSAGE SENT.  NUMBER DELETED.

contact deleted

Perhaps, I was almost there but my heart couldn’t overthrow the power of my mind.  My brain assured me that I chose correctly because following my heart would probably direct me to ruins.  Hence, I put an end to that infatuation for it was merely nothing but the invention of a dreamy and hopeless teenage girl.  No happily-ever-after ending.  It was the finale of my choice.

If I accidentally dropped by and saw you for the last time in your special day, please bear in mind that what never began was obviously over.  After that day, the world never stopped anymore and the music never played again.  I was like a walking dead incapable of feeling real affection and still scared of showing my true feelings.  Indeed, I am only good at hiding and writing. After all, they don’t really see the real me…

By Anne Hathaway “Somebody to Love” (OST Ella Enchanted)

 

The Broken-Hearted Girl

After all the tears and the drama

There is still a huge hole in her heart

The escaped souls from hell tempting her to curse

Yet, her gloominess will never spoil her pure soul

Her wrath is temporary, it will soon go away

Even if her kindness & generosity are ignored,

She remains true from the start till the end

Others’ intentions have question marks

Still she holds on her faith & believe in miracles

***

It is one of  the so many episodes of real soap opera

She’s not playing the role of the broken-hearted girl

She will never be the loser for she survives it all

She will never raise and wave the white flag of defeat

Try catching her, she’s flying farther than you

It takes a heartless someone to make her dream high

Forever she’ll care for you ‘coz she’s unlike other girls…

X.O. X.O .X.O. X.O .X.O. X.O .X. O.

i’m back to the old place — our dreamland… welcome me back again… thanks for not leaving soon in  that safe place that doesn’t suck —

Written last 12/12/12

By Beyonce “Broken-Hearted Girl”

Where Were You When I was 17?

Marlena asked Jacob Jankowski “where were you when I was 17?”.  The line struck me because I asked myself the same question every night for I’m so smittened with your presence in my dreams.  Even if there were  no scientific connections between dreams and reality still I wanted to believe that such unreal and imaginary moments in my head gave my heart reasons to bounce again as it used to do when I was 17.

Water For Elephants poster

Our story is not similar with Jacob and Marlena for there was no train ride that led us to the miracle of finding love.  Instead, I took an unintentional flight to leave my disgrace behind only to find a bench where I used to frequently see someone with headset and books.  Are you aware that I wasted my time looking for your photograph and I accidentally kept one?   Are you aware that it was so silly of  you and your friend to make fun along the background?  Do you still remember when you were obliged to wait for me?  Do you recall the time when I sent you out of the room twice for you were not welcome inside?  I can still remember that moment I spoke to you and how we shared same sweet smile from a distant.  Maybe you think that I didn’t catch you winking at me twice.  I only pretended that I didn’t see but actually I did.  Yet, all those random events are meaningless because we were never acquainted or became friends. (At that time…)

Dreams are all false, a fool’s perception of a non-existent world. Nonetheless, it is a perfect universe I conquered because it is where I can freely hold your hand and lovingly kiss you. There are no rules and standards, no norms to abide.  It is where we are free as a man and a woman.  If I am seventeen, I will still not talk to you but at least there will be no issues if you become one of my friends.

Perhaps, I don’t want them because I only wish of you even if it is difficult to see you again.

(Actually, few months later, you took courage to speak with me.  Then, we became FB friends and had at least 3 photos of only two of us together.  One event was during the reunion and another was my bday.  We spoke several times and you told me about your future plans.  We had a brief connection but that wasn’t ours to flourish and keep.  For sure this time, you’re no longer 17. Hope to see you again.  I don’t know if you’re that same person I used to know 6 years ago. There are plenty girls out there but there’s no one like me. Miss those days and thanks for not embarrassing me.  Thank you very much for the honesty, respect and admiration).

Published 6 June 2011 

The Final Apple

Four days and three nights Kerygma Retreat in St Francis Xavier Retreat Centre.  I surrendered my phone during the retreat and finally I can use it now.  During the retreat, I met people who didn’t judge me but helped me cope with my internal wounds. Through the sessions, I’ve learned to accept myself, understand and live my faith.  Thank you to the Holy Spirit for the gift of tongue, the language of love between Jesus and I.  

   Each day, all participants are encouraged to get apples with scripture verses.  I took my last apple and told Jesus.  “Lord, thank you for today and this apple is my finale.  This is my answer.”

22 “Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. 23 “Truly[a] I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

I believe and I claim it.  In Jesus’ name, let it will be done!

In His Time

Thursday, 💔😭

   I questioned my archangels 

  I doubted my prayers were heard

   Is the Blessed Mother really there?

   Then, I challenged the Almighty 

   And to Jesus, I gave my conditions

   What will I share to those kids

   When my seed was in thorny soil?


Saturday,😇😘🌹

    Before I was inspired to draw

    Before I shared to the children

    Indeed, the rosary is powerful!

   Before I came to the session early

   Perhaps, I couldn’t sleep that night

  Awaken that evening flabbergasted 

   A big sigh, ‘All of YOU heard my heart”

   In Jesus’ ways, He answered 

   Not in my terms but in His time

   Who am to dictate my Saviour?

   In His time, it will be me too… 💑

Sunday.🙏🏻😎🌈☀️

    I thank my archangels and saints

   They heard me and they cared

   O, Blessed Mother forgive me 

    Thanks for giving me all the love

   I thank God for always being there

   My faith and my prayers not wasted

   Thank you Jesus and Your message

   “Patience my child, the time will come

    Don’t stop believing and have faith

   He’ll come around very soon 

  Let him be and he’ll be courageous 

   He’ll clear his head and love wins”

   Alright Jesus, your time be his too!

   

    

Will You Fall from Grace?

Father, I always wonder why there are people who at times misunderstood my purpose? I already accepted the loudness of my voice.  Why can’t others do too?  Should I keep quiet when it’s all about the call of duty?  The truth of the matter is I am insulted every time but I just shake it off because I know for the fact that I mean no harm.

Somebody I used to know from not long ago, told me there was nothing wrong with how I sounded.  Those were the times, when that person put efforts to talk and talk.  Yet, when a chapter ends, take a step to a world whereby there are people who see and only kind to those who are visually acceptable in their standards.  Should I feel bad and hate them?  Should I fall from grace?

Nope, I am not like them.  I don’t care if I am not in their criteria.  What’s the big deal?  I will still prepare what to wear the next day and look good for myself.  It doesn’t matter if others will notice me, as long as I’m happy with what I’m wearing.  I’m comfortable of walking in my skin and no matter how mean they can be, my confidence won’t be subtracted.  It’s not a question of body size, age and nationality.  But, a matter of attitude and how you handle yourself.  
Whatever you do and no matter how you do it, there are always people who’ll criticise and judge you. If people will bring you down and won’t like you, will you fall from grace? No, no, never! I always be who I am.  I will do my best in all I do.  I sing and dance even I don’t know how and I will never be good with any.  I’ll revive my deleted animation channel.  I’ll keep on drawing and learn more skills like baking… I won’t let the ways of the world take away my faith and dreams.  Whatever the millennials will say, what is right is always right.  It can never be wrong.  One day, I’ll be heard and people will actually read this.

Will I fall from grace because of some mean and selective people? Nope, I kill them with kindness.  If there words are getting into my nerves, (at times I’ll get mad a little) I’ll listen to BTS or Got7 and count 1 to 10 until I composed myself.  I can’t dwell on hate.  Life is always beautiful.  I am fun to be with and I still have my humour.  Too bad, it’s all about the loudness when in fact I make sense…

‘Kill ’em with Kindness’ by Selena Gomez

Don’t Wake the Sleeping Dragon

It was only a legend, some old folktales
It was told, her father was the greatest slayer
A bravery known by so many men
There was one unforgettable battle
He slayed an expectant mother
The dragon’s last angry words
“My kind will never be extinct
My son will unknowingly dwell
In the heart of your most beloved
Be warned not to make her weep
The sleeping dragon will rise!”
Her words gave chills into his spine

To the little angel on his arms
He avowed to her a joyful world
A wonderful place with no bitterness 
Before his last breath, he said
“My sweet baby angel, never allow
Sadness to dominate your heart
The pain will pass, be happy always!”

She’s a friendly, kind and jolly girl
Yet, there were witches out there
They took away everything from her
But, she never gave up on hope,
A bright tomorrow of laughter

However, the worst has to come
Abused innocence and kindness
She only wished to purely love
Feelings were taken for granted
And so her wrath was so high
The flames came out of nowhere
A big sounding roar was heard
The dragon within was awakened
And so bloodshed was on the land

The miracle of love put out
The fire of her burning rage
The dragon within is asleep once more
Be warned don’t make her a fool again
If you are not true, go away!
Don’t wake the sleeping dragon
For her fury will be its strength
Stop all the lies & sarcasms
If she’ll keep on crying to bed
The dragon might hear her sorrows
It will escape again and you’ll be sorry!

Published last 19 Oct 2012


by Evanescence “My Immortal”

The Archangels and Me

Today is the feast day of the archangels.  Who are they and what do I know about them?  First, St Michael for me is the valiant one for he defeated Lucifer.  Secondly, St Gabriel for me is the messenger for he announced to Mary and Joseph the birth of Jesus; and told Zachariah the birth of John.  Lastly, St Raphael for me is not only the healer but also the matchmaker who led Tobias to Sarah.  

Who are the archangels to me in my situation at this point?  St Michael is for courage.  St Gabriel is to proclaim the truth.  St Raphael  is to lead the way. 

St Michael make us valiant 

At times, we’re frightened 

Scared to death of rejections

Afraid that our hearts are wrong

St Gabriel speak in our dreams

Tell us everything will be fine

We can’t runaway from God’s plan

It’s time, let His will be done…

St Raphael lead us the path

Help us heal our brokenness 

Whatever paths we’ll take

Guide us to where we belong 

St Michael lend us your strength 

St Gabriel tell us the Divine’s will

St Raphael take away the demons

Almighty Father, Your we’ll be done!

“It might be series of dreams but the voices might be St Gabriel’s.  It was unexplainable, but I saw someone calling me when I had my accident and I was awakened for he called my name.  Then, during the lowest points of my life, St Michael cheered me not to fall in the pit of hell.  I wouldn’t be here.  I was hesitant to give it a try for I was rejected then.  But, I am where I am now thanks to St Raphael.  Thanks to my archangels.  If it’s not too much to ask, another favour again.  Thanks in advance.  This time, I’m ready!!!”

Don’t Sleep!!!!

Secrets in the shadow   

Grandmother’s tales

Beware of the silence

Open your eyes wide

Fight the sleepiness 

For when darkness comes

Know the unknown

Jump into your feet

Fantasy to nightmare

Screaming into your ears

The sound of your name

Sinking to nothingness

Redeem your dignity 

Don’t give in with the breeze

Stay awake, don’t sleep!

The Fragrance of the Blossom

She hid somewhere and wept.  Of course, no one bothered where she was gone for a long time.   As if, she never existed at all.  While the tears flowing from her cheeks, she remembered how beautiful the sun was shining and the scent of the sweetness in the morning was her delight.  Yet, she was in the room where her worth was like the machine, must work as she was told.  Her heart was exhausted for always being left out and unseen.

“Take out Mama’s curse, Papa!” she whispered to the blank space pretending her father was there like he used to when he was alive.  How could her mother possibly do that? She had the approvals and admiration of her friends’ parents.  On the other hand, it was quick for her mother to bring her down and judged her negatively that stained the reputation she established in the community.  Why her mother must say and do such things?  Why she needed to suffer the consequences of her mother’s actions.  “You know that Mama won’t feel sorry, Papa.  She’ll always blame me, won’t she?  She just had no idea how those words scarred me for life.”  They say, only mothers can find their daughters beautiful but not a single moment it happened to her.   Her mother never loved her as unconditional as her father but up to this point, she never left and chose to be a good daughter despite it all.  She never gets tired of caring, forgiving, loving and sharing to her mother and to the rest of the family.  

“You know that I never turned my back, Papa.  Even she’s not sorry and won’t admit her mistakes.”  Should she blame the events of the past for her decisions?  Perhaps, she’s tired of being just a joke.  She’s special too and she can do many things aside from praying.  “Can’t they see, Papa?” and she cried.  Again, nobody cared at all.  Welcome to the world of emoticons!

The children greeted her with their smiles and praises.  She heard those words from a lot of people but not from her mother.  Does it matter whether she appreciates her or not? Her worth is nothing but for cash.  

 Is flirting and being a hoe powerful than her prayers?  Should she throw herself to people who never see her at all and even dislike her?  How can she like any of them when they ignore her presence?  How can she care when they turn their backs and they just walk away?  How can she show interest when she doesn’t know how and it scares her to the bones?  Are God’s angels and saints no match for social media and dating sites?  Should she believe in virtual illusions too and fall prey to strangers whom she fears?  Why can’t she be seen where she is and chances be taken?  She’s not building walls, they did.  How can she talk more when she’s judged as being loud?

How can she write her fairy tale when her chances are all blur? What prince charming in her dreams look like?  Does he look like him?  She can’t recall at all because he’s not real anymore.  Somehow in the depths of her heart, she still wants to believe that this is not how her story ends. Whatever curse there was, Jesus already had saved her long time ago and the Almighty loves her more than she ever knows.

Of course, she was not deaf and she could hear the sound of a woman at the other end before the door was shut on her face.  She knew and it was expected.  After all, children can’t stand being alone.  She never believed the lies, she understood the truth.  At least this time, she kept everything hidden for she’s not repeating the same mistakes.  No more impulsiveness.  Let faith lead her the way.  All she can do is yell out the pain with closed lips.  There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.   She must put a courageous and happy face even if she’s crumbling inside.

She prayed, “Thank you, Lord, for all the blessings and the opportunities of which I can make use of my gifts to survive and serve You as well as others too.   I may be hurting but I am not quitting.  If I can’t be seen by others, I know you can see me.  I will still hold my prayers in my heart even it’s so outdated in modern days because I know that St Vincent de Paul, the rest of the saints, You and the Father Almighty can hear me and working hand-in-hand for what I deserve.  I know you made me a beautiful person like many of your creations.  Thus, Jesus, I put you in the center of my life.  Others may not appreciate that but I know Your ways can move their hearts.  I won’t get tired of praying for them.  Protect them always and keep them safe!”

The room is filled with flowers and the aroma spread around.  The fragrance of the blossom lightened her sorrow and diminished the negative thoughts that the devil planted in her heart.  So what?  She will never ever quit and never say never.  There’s always a way.  God’s way.

No one likes its scent and may toss it away.  It’s fragrance is the sweetest, just like her… that’s what they don’t know….


Happy Feast Day, St Vincent de Paul! Thank you very much for interceding for me.  Bless the SVDP community and also the children in my care.

Food for the Heart

My intuition was right, I could feel your presence.  I only looked on my phone not the other way around.  I thought that I was wrong but I am right all the time.  

What a beautiful morning indeed! It was an ordinary scene but in simplest things my heart was ecstatic.  The coincidences and unexpected made my day complete! 

Thanks for treating me well this time even the jokes are still on going.  It doesn’t matter at all.  I still appreciate the good gestures rather than the shades.  Thank you for the happiness you unintentionally shared. Some random stuff, I’m using my coloured pencils as substitute chopsticks… I remembered what was said😜😘

By the way, you left your scent and it lingered inside my heart even you were gone.  Whoever you were with after you walked out from that door, it’s yours to keep and this is mine as well.  Perhaps,  we’ll never tell…

In time…

 They Happened to be Passersby

“Only the hopefuls get hurt but the believers always win!”  

Is this world the reign of the bitches? I thought so.

The liars and pretenders get the prize. Temporarily.

Oh how foolish and what a loser most guys are!

Once upon my lifetime, I was chosen among millions 

I was picked among the sea of pretty faces

I always got the attention and charmed a few

Part of me wanted to convince myself, everything said were true

If only attractions have no expiration date

If only one just told me to stay and not prioritise my dreams

I won’t be in the circle where I am poked and unseen 

Not being avoided, ignored, ridiculed and disrespected 

Of course, I am not going to return to being a fool again 

I’d rather hide in my silence and be who I am

Faith and love are all I have to hold on to live gleefully 

If none of them can’t see the treasure in me

If all of them stick to their standards 

Then, I’m perfectly fine and I will go on to pray 

The ones who I used to know had seen the best in me

The ones who appreciated my uniqueness and skills

The ones who wanted to walk with me

Those were the ones I walked out without goodbyes

They happened to be passersby in my life 

What I had with them ended there for I needed to leave

Will one passerby choose to stay?  I know he will and he can

In God’s time, the universe will align and we’re no longer passersby 

If I’ll Turn Back Time, Will I Let You?

As the song goes, “I’ll never love this way again.”  We always denied it for our egos were larger than the universe. Convincing each other with our lies for the truth was our wreckage.  I didn’t mean to hurt others but due to my blindness, I indirectly did.  Was my obsession, my vengeance? Did I purposely push myself not to be me to make you feel less guilty?  Nobody knew the real story because they were not present in those pages we both scribbled.  We let time erased what was written because we made a choice.

Yet, if we can turn back time, will I open the door for you? Should I ignore your presence for ignoring people is my expertise?  Would I walk away and turn my back? Would I answer your call?  Would I join you for coffee?  Perhaps, the safest way was to escape the pain and the hell within.  Likewise, if I’m going back to that same time and place knowing you would be there, perhaps I would still do the same.

The hurt made me insecure and I felt so little of myself then.  I dealt with that humongous burden all by myself.  Then, to forget and runaway from it, I made a fool of myself.  Did I pretend to like someone I never wanted to convince myself that I already moved forward?  Self-pity and self-blame… I was in my weakest, nobody knew that I wept to sleep….

Still I’ll let it be because after all the destructions within I found God and I am even grateful for all His blessings. Despite what others say, I trust His plan for me. That hell of a pain drew me closer to heaven!  The downfall of my naivety opened my eyes to God’s reality.  The Almighty Father brought His people to save me from messing up with my life.
Yes, there are men who are blinded with what they  see and they’re bound to their standards.  Yet, my Lord sees my all and He knows I am worth having regardless of age, language, weight and belief.  People can be so judgmental, mean and very selfish.  They can unreasonably avoid me for whatever darn reasons… Well, thank you for that pain because I stood firm to who and what I am, not caring at all with what others will say.  My values are tact and I truly believe that God already placed me to where I belonged.  The ridicules will not get into my nerve this time.  Those who are in darkness are always afraid of the light.  They just don’t know the real story.  

No matter how many times I am going to revisit that scene, I would surely repeat same mistakes all over again, since because of that I was lost and God found me.  Then, independently explored what life has to offer.  Also found time in improving my skills and expanding my interests, and in the process acquainted with people who made difference in my life.

  You know who you are for our fates already written with the constellations.  No matter what roads we’ll take and no matter how many women are there, no one beats God’s plan and there’s no other woman like me. You know that very well.

As it goes…

WhatsApp Image 2017-08-14 at 7.37.04 AM

Several days in hiding, concealing fears and loneliness

Letting the world see a smile that’s crying inside

Keep on fighting when to surrender is the best choice

Always believing despite the hopelessness of the situation

Always thankful for everyday’s blessings

When deep side longing for a miracle

Always chasing a dream that seems impossible

Creating beautiful creations with my hands

Painting someone whom I can’t hold

Someone who can’t see or feel me at all

Yet, as it goes, holding on to life’s surprises

No more Mermaid theories and false hopes

The ocean is so vast to explore…

As it goes, who says you’re only breaking apart

When there’s so much to live for in uncertainties?

As it goes, life goes on no matter how the wind blows

Your Light Next to Mine

I was distracted by a Prince Charming’s smile 

But my instincts proved my dreams to be lies

I couldn’t be swayed by a gigolo’s charms

Not trading my dignity for Hercules’ abs

My God will never give me what isn’t mine

I pray with all my heart everyday

Then, in a place and in that instant

I laid my candle trusting only Him

My prayers were uttered while my heart leaped 

God whispered and there you were

Standing beside me placing your light next to mine

Finding what I lost…

Tradition has it that when your younger sibling will marry before you, he or she should give tribute to you in terms of money or things.  If the younger sibling will fail to do so, the older sibling/s will be cursed and probably will end up to be forever alone.

Half a decade ago, my younger brother got married with his long time girlfriend.  Sadly, I missed that significant event not because I was bitter for him walking the isle before I did.  It was due to some financial issues and I had certain priorities then that stopped me from taking the flight and be in attendance for his special event.  My choice made others criticized me in so many hurtful words.  Nevertheless, they just had no idea what sacrifices I did for my family even up to this point of time.

Hence, my brother got married and I was not in the picture.   Nonetheless, I demanded what he owed me.  It may sounded selfish; yet, at that situation I had my reasons to ask what was rightfully mine.  Indeed, my brother bought me a pair of golden earrings.  I was happy when he surprised me with that jewelry.   I rejoiced not because the curse will be omitted, it was more than that.  It was the feeling of being forgiven and respected.  Then, just like any women of my age, a spark of hope and maybes were born within.  There was someone I considered by that time.  Yet, there were many things in life that wouldn’t work as planned.  Turning back, I placed myself in the worst situation that I never imagined to be involved.  As a result, a lot of boiling emotions were piling up.  Thus, my fears and pains questioned God’s plan. God only replied, ‘in My time’.

Patiently waiting and healing with time, I treasured those pair of earrings with all my heart.  After all the challenges I went through, my faith never faded and still remained optimistic despite my age.  I wore the earrings last Wednesday.  When I was about to clean my face, I noticed that my left ear had no earring on.  I briefly panicked.  Then, I silently spoke to the Almighty. ‘I will never cry again for what I lost because what matters most is what I am, who I’ll become and how I live my life.  My Lord, You have given me so much and no superstitions will ever stop Your plans.  I have nothing to fear because You walk with me in my loneliness’.  In my silence, I felt that everything will be fine and there’s no need to search high and low.  Besides, I journeyed so far from my working place to my house and there was no way for me to trace my footsteps.  Aside from that, I made some stopover to shop for what to wear for next day’s corporate picture-taking.  The probability of finding it was very slim.  Likewise, it didn’t matter, at least I still have the other one.

The next day, I woke forgetting about the other earring that I lost.  I am so occupied preparing myself for the picture-taking.  When I reached my working place, I immediately plugged in the cord of my hair straightener brush and suddenly I saw on my chair that other earring I lost.  What a surprise!  I didn’t lost it on the road but it only dropped at my office to where I am sitting.

WhatsApp Image 2017-06-23 at 1.59.41 PM

I had my answers.  You were right my Lord, when You spoke in my dreams that I don’t have to search for what I am looking for is only there all the time.  I may be unable to uncover the mystery of those words as of this point of my life.  Yet, I will always trust in Your words and plans for me and move forward while fulfilling Your plans.

You are pretty aware that I refused to lead because I’m so conscious with my accent, still You brought those children under my care.  When one of them didn’t show up during our important event, I did the impossible and prayed silently to find that girl.  I told You that this must what the Good Shepherd felt when one sheep was lost.  Miracle did happen, I was able to find her and the mother even brought us food.  Who would ever thought that one of them has the desire to serve you?  Perhaps, what I said to those kids came from the Holy Spirit and it had impact on them.

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Photo credit: Daniel Seah, Chuch  of St Vincent de Paul’s First Holy Communion last Saturday (19 June 2017)

Does it matter if I made this choice to be where I am now?  I always know that God put me in the situation which I can manage where I can serve my purpose and possess that contentment in my heart.  Romantic love’s offer may come and go.  I did take those chances and broke my heart several times.  Yes, there were so many stages in my life when those failures weakened me and I drowned to the belief of hopelessness.  Nonetheless, You never gave up on me and You brought me here instead.  Now, this journey taught me that it’s not about the love I lost but it’s about the faith and courage I found within that truly matter in my existence.  I lived and failed countless of times; however, I remain standing still no matter how strong the wind blows.  I survive it all and found ‘who I am’ in the process.

 

🙏🏻God’s Answer to the Fool’s Prayer


With anger, envy and pride, the fool prayed:

“My God, up in the clouds with the angels and cherubs

Shower me with gold so that in poverty I can esape

Though I don’t sweat at all, grant me the wealth I deserve

In nothingness I suffer, in emptiness I weep all day

Am I equal to my brothers, you owe me what they have?

My desire is for greatness only to stroll empty-handed

Where is justice, my Lord when others have it all?

Lend me the titan’s strength so I can crush my foes

Breaking their bones for their lives are meaningless 

God please listen to my pleas and answer me!” 

—-

God always listen and to the fool He answered:

“My child, above the clouds I behold you on earth

Please take note there’s no gold factory in heaven

Material wealth is gained by ceasing opportunities

Yet, what matters most is what’s within your heart

You and your brothers are created in my image

My child use the talents I gave you and excel

I, your God is just and my blessings are for all

Oh, my child! Have courage, be humble and forgive 

Don’t be a demigod, cherished all my creations!

I, your God always listen.  How about you, my child?”

Anew

Boldness and determination

Falling through and brokenness 

An obsession with tragic finale

Wrong choices, grave sins

Thunderstorms addiction

A taste of bitter cotton candy

***

For when you fall, you arise

Climbing the mystic mountains

Flying high towards victory 

Building wrecked kingdom anew

A fresh start, a new posting

Roses bloom on the 5th of May

Challenges await but I CAN

Meeting others coz I’m over you

Goodbye, my old friend….

Sleep Less

The game of fate

War of the champs

No weakling’s place

One foot backward

Disappear all dreams

Strategies and schemes

Are you greater than God?

Pray hard and fast more

Don’t close your eyes

A blink is your misfortune 

What will you do to win?

Cheaters are widespread 

Indeed, I CAN for I CAN!

I believe in my wits

And I believe in God

God leads the right way

I am here for He wills it

His masterpiece is ME

What’s Behind the Door

I fear of tomorrow 

Scared of the ruins

Beneath my sorrows 

All dreams shattered 

The friends I let go

What’s behind the door?

Is it my misfortune?

Or the fate I detest?

What if behind the door…

Another adventure

A love worth it all!

A hope to hold by

The face of God waiting

Someone shut its door

Another will surely open

What do I know this bad luck

Maybe my lifesaver 

For the worst to come

Forgive Me, Lord coz I can’t Forgive

Will you forgive those who are not sorry?

Will you welcome those who condemn?

Will you choose to love those who loathe you?

Should I apologise for those who wrong me?


Yet, instead of hearing my request

It’s not all about my petitions

For You said “YES!” and Your yes means YES

Thank You for my friends and enemies too

My journey brought me to reconcile

I vow to You for You’re GREAT and I’m small

Thank You for allowing to be in peace

Thank You for opening Your doors

Thank You for loving me more…

God Rescues the Just

My brothers will surely laugh

They are right, aren’t they?

The ridicules and mocking 

Have they grown to appreciate?

Lord in loneliness and fear

It’s a solo fight, prince missing!

No mercy and compassion 

Yet, tonight you showed

Strangers aiding each other

Lost but someone led the way

Stranded, I shared what was mine

The devil told me, doors locked

No heavy rain stopped me

Thank you for letting me in

And I’m joyful to be in your feast


I am so grateful for today

The free food, smiles and friends

Truly you’ll make a way

Even my fears tell me there’s no way

You said today, My Lord Almighty

“You rescue the just from distress”

Thank you and Amen, my King!