Last Friday Night

cute green photos

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What an exhausting evening! When I went home, I immediately hit the bed and didn’t even noticed my sister came home. I’m not supposed to be there but something came out not right. So, I had no choice but to be there.  On the other hand, staying was worthwhile, a quick chit-chat and meeting everyone again after a long time of not seeing each other. It was quite late when I went back but it was a Friday night filled with wonderful whom some used to be part of my yesterday. So, the evening was concluded with fun and I’m glad I stayed to catch with the kids I used to know. How time flies fast!!! They’re all grown up ready to explore a new beginning for their bright future. I’m happy with how they become and I am grateful to be part of their youths once in their lifetimes.
Before I started my day’s job, I found these photos and I remembered last Friday night. Damn, I was so tired that I forgot to add this in my post last week… (AMKSS Alumni Homecoming)

All the good things and luck are bound to happen to everyone!!!


by Katy Perry ‘Last Friday Night TGIF’

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The Smile of an Angel

Here I am, indifferent and lukewarm with my blood boiling. I disconnected for I only cared what I needed to accomplish for I am entitled to do my duties and responsibilities. It’s all about work. I existed on my own. Why bother when it was my pride hit to the bottom? I am not sad nor upset but I’m totally outraged. I was told ‘find in your heart to forgive.’ I said, ‘sorry, I am not a hypocrite. It was so much.’ I felt the witch and her minions resurrected putting me in the bad light to shame and take everything away from me.

The line was crossed…

I arrived in the church a bit early to meet a friend who needed my help for our retreat’ prayer station. So, I settled at the pew on the front row. The priest sat across where I was, part of me wanted to approach him for confession. But I back off because I am not ready to reconcile. In my prayer I told God, ‘I did say that I want to go for confession but not today.’ My pride was holding me back.

The mass started and one of the altar boys is in my catechism session. He recognised my presence and he smiled beautifully from afar. Tears of guilt flowing from my eyes. Last Saturday during our session, I convinced the kids that they should not be afraid to approach a priest because it’s like having a conversation with Jesus. I added that it was not about confessing your sins but forgiving and reconciling with those who did you wrong and vice versa.

Did I walk the talk? That little boy and the rest of the kids in my session believed and trusted my words. However, when I was caught in the situation, I broke down because I was so angry deep inside. I wanted to scold backwards and say something nasty.

The little boy looked like an angel in his white clothing. His eyes sparkled while mine were on tears. Did I even deserve that admiration and trust? I’m sorry that I can’t be a saint and my humility reached to its limits. It was like an angel indirectly telling me that I am always good but I should let go of my pride. Then, I revisited that instant, who started it? I wouldn’t react in such manner if people did their things accordingly… The fault wasn’t mine, others were just too mean and wanted to trouble me so that I would lost everything similar to what that witch in the past did.

The smile of the angel still haunting me as a reminder to get out from the cold. Why freeze when you can enjoy the summer heat? I don’t know… I really don’t know… all I know is I wanted to have a happy and purpose-driven life… I never dreamt of being hated to the core!!!

I don’t know. I really don’t know. All I know that those who did wrong should acknowledge their faults too. If only there’s a little conscience—

I Always Say a Little Prayer for U

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you
While combing my hair, now
And wondering what dress to wear, now
I say a little prayer for you

Forever, forever, you’ll stay in my heart
And I will love you
Forever, and ever we never will part
Oh, how I’ll love you
Together, together, that’s how it must be
To live without you
Would only be heartbreak for me

‘I Say A Little Prayer’ by Aretha Franklin

We are the lucky ones

Last Saturday’s catechism session, I briefly recalled the parables of the ‘Lost Coin’, ‘Lost Sheep’, and ‘Forgiving Father’ to my kids. Then, I asked them where is God in the parables. They answered ‘God is the woman who found the coin. He is the good shepherd who left the 99 sheep to look for the one that was lost. He is the forgiving Father who waited for the son who lost his ways to the materialistic world’.

I was amused for my kids knew the parables by hearts. Afterwards, I asked a follow-up question, ‘I wonder where are we in the stories?’

They quickly answered, ‘We are the lost coin and sheep, and the prodigal son.’

‘What??? Are we the ones always lost!!!’ I blurted out and everyone started laughing. One of them said, ‘it always happen.’

Then, I concluded ‘aren’t we the lucky ones? We have a God who loves as very dearly and our physical attributes doesn’t matter. He will never get tired of looking for us when we are lost. Then, when He’ll find us, He’ll rejoice and have the grandest feast. God will even endure the longest time waiting for us to return to Him every time we fall from grace or separated from Him. He forgives heartily even we don’t seek for forgiveness and pardon. God’s love is unconditional, beyond man’s understanding. In our ways, we can love others the same way too.’

I paused for awhile and whispered in my head, ‘I wish but I know that I can.’ Yet, the real issue, there are people who have so many misconceptions and judgements towards another. So many people in our society who are biased and unfair in how they deal and treated others.

Today, I prayed for the Holy Spirit’s gifts of counsel and understanding because I cannot endure relying on my strength alone. After all, I am the lucky one because I don’t need likes in IG and FB to make me feel good. I’m just happy where I am because God has given me so many skills and I am so grateful that He opened the windows of opportunities for me to use and share my gifts to others. I am the lucky one because I know I am always adored and loved, no social media assurance required. Above all, I didn’t choose God, He chose me. It’s God’s will, who am I to question Him?

Will I share God’s gift of love to others? Of course, I am never greedy nor selfish. But somehow one lost sight of what truly matters because one only sees with eyes not with the heart. You should have known that you are more than the lucky one too.

Indeed, I’m the lucky one because my friend made home-cooked dinner especially for me this evening.

U Really Don’t Get It (Darling)?

Dont’ you get it?

The very moment we met,

I felt love stirring inside my heart.

(U don’t really get it… why u r just the sweetest in my dreams? Can u escape from my dreamland and be there how u are in my head?)

If I had said that,

Surely,

No doubt about it,

You would have laughed at me.

(Haay, sure u will just laugh on my face!!!)

You don’t let me down,

When I feel your love.

It’s the first time I’ve ever

felt like this

You don’t let me down,

When you hug and kiss me baby.

Just right by your side

I just unknowingly, just start to smile

Oh La Vie, La Vie, La Vie en rose.

You don’t let me down,

Even though I should feel happy.

You don’t let me down,

when you keep on loving me, baby,

On the days when we’re far apart.

My heart trembles without

me realising it..

Lyrics: Don’t Let Me Down (Fairy Tail ED18) ~ENG (https://www.smule.com)

[Fairy Tail] “Don’t Let Me Down” Full English Cover (TeaChan)

Don’t let me down – Mariya Nishiuchi (Lyrics Full ver.)

We still remember, Paps!

When you truly love someone, they will be etched in your heart for eternity. It is a love that is limitless as the sky and timeless. It is never a question of when, why and how.

Everyone at home are celebrating minus me but I had my solo celebration and party.

Thank you very much for making me feel that I am truly loved. I am so grateful that you showed me what real and unconditional love was like.

Some people will surely judge me for my face value but you only saw the goodness of my heart and the beauty of my soul.

I might ruined someone’s day causing that person to be in M.I.A. (leaving behind the phone) for more than two hours. Still I knew that I did what I should do to cover for a friend. My day didn’t go that well and I was apologetic leaving my heart felt heavy even until this time. Somehow when you do others a favour, not everyone apparently will agree.

My day may turned to make others felt worst. Still this day was a happy day for all of us. Everyone at home still remember your birthday even in my absence and I am no longer the longest-term-leader. Everyone is in jubilation and I am happy too. My prayers are with you, Paps.

Paps, I love you so dearly with all my heart!

The unanswered call

How are children created?

Are they angels from heaven?

Do the storks bring them forth?

We know the truth behind it

Apparently, we dwell in fantasies

The flesh might easily give in

Drifting into another world

Shouting in need of your aid

The unanswered call for so long

Even until my slumber I yearned

My unanswered call, a delicate one

Tell me about it, what do you know..

A torture and torment! Help me, please!!!

A day in the cove

I couldn’t turn back on my responsibilities. I did come early to the church to guide the parents who volunteered to help in preparing the art and craft materials for the upcoming retreat. I still assisted my session.. if not, I wouldn’t be at peace…

Still I managed to join my family for my nieces’ birthday celebrations…

A day of fun and family bonding!!!!

What a long and fulfilling day!!!! Super happy indeed 😂😂😂😇🌈

The Goddess and I

I took a glimpse of the goddess today. She was a description of perfection. Hence, it was no surprise why he fell head over heels with her. She’s young with define curves and her face launched a thousand ships. She was everything he ever wanted in a woman and I am no comparison in terms of age and physical appearance. Haay! How could someone with my status be able to compete with that?

To think about it, what’s age anyway? What’s with the height and waistline? Do size and numbers matter? Well, mass media is dictating me that physical perfection is a must to be the apple of one’s eyes. Likewise, in the teachings of my faith, a person’s essence lies in the beauty of the soul for when we crossover the body that catches our eyes will only turn into dust. After all, God isn’t calculative and He doesn’t count! He only loves unconditionally without limits and boundaries.

I am not as youthful as I used to be and there’s no stopping of my increasing in years. However, with each passing days, I see to it that I make a difference to others.

I am not a goddess and I don’t aim to be one just to capture his heart. I am as weird as usual, wearing high heels and cheap stuff. Moreover, I can only be myself, loving who I am and always grateful to people around me. I can’t be a goddess. I am the old and ordinary one but I know deep within I am capable of loving the greatest. I don’t have to be a goddess to love with all my heart!!!!

He will afford to buy the whole world for a goddess like her. He will get her the most expensive gifts, all the concert tickets, movie passes and dine with her at finest restaurants (and the bills are on him). It doesn’t matter because I know how to spell contented. I am not envious because I am super happy and delighted with all the deeds and little things.

(Hay, you’re so clueless!!! Thanks for that coz being hidden do me favour. But there are seconds, I can’t help wishing that you’ll look at me same way as you look at the goddess).

Thanks gorgeous for u truly made my day!

The Right to Love

I always have this weight on my shoulder but you don’t want to chat. So, I just let you be…. I know when to keep quiet and make myself occupied. Indeed, you never give me the chance to bite the bullet!

When you started talking about such, that feeling bugged me until this point. You’re world is so occupied and crowded. I don’t think I have to squeeze inside. You don’t have any idea but let it be… let it be!!!

In time, there’s a right time for the right to love!!!!

The One Thing That I Couldn’t Say

Time has moved forward but I remain the same old me

Always that bashful, naive and hopeful little girl

Looking forward and contented in taking glimpses of you

Deep within, wishing that you’ll acknowledge my existence

Just like that little girl, always wanting to greet u hi & goodbye

And when you walked out, hoping you’ll ever response

Will someday you will find me and see my glowing smile?

Will you even realise how much you truly mean to me?

Yet, you are always surrounded by a lot of them

You’re the popular one and I am the wallflower

I am hardly noticed, when I passed by no one saw me

I am absolutely the perfect opposite and no comparison to you

You’re fame is at its height while I don’t want and need any

I’d rather be unknown and stay hidden in my cave

Where I am being myself, and also comfortable, safe and happy

Always looking up watching you shine at the peak of the pedestal

Certainly a lot of them are fighting to get your attention

If only I am as dauntless and daring like them

Then, no need on relying what my fortune cards will foretell

Hence, I isolate myself while being drunk with my longings

I can bear the pain while keeping this secret

Whispering at my father’s grave my voiceless deepest desires

Will my Papa tell you the one thing that I couldn’t say?

Indeed, there’s that one thing that I couldn’t say that I kept for so long!!!

I can defy gravity and make the impossible possible

I’ll bring down those unbeatable foes that caused your pain

I don’t mind crossing the seven seas and go beyond the realms of hell

If it’s for you, will I retreat or decline or will I say no?

The truth is, I am definitely powerless and obviously weak

Quick on shedding tears and I am a no-brainer all the time

All I have is the strength of my genuine and pure heart

Because I am capable of loving, I chose to live to love you above all!!!

By Meatloaf ‘I Would Do Anything for Love’

Whatever the future brings, you are my light.

不管未来如何,你都是我的光。——《风中的女王》

Trapped in Uncertainties

A total silence

Least expected

Totally exhausted

Lack of sleep

I’d rather be inside

In my quiet shell

You asked for it

Giving in, I obeyed

Suddenly under the heat

Trapped in uncertainties

Lost in that moment

No words came out

My heart in rampage

Thank God, you’re unaware!

I’m glad you cannot see

Does it matter at all?

As long as you’re happy

I let you be and as always

I’m hiding in my shell

Keeping quiet and still

Loving you in silence…

By Celine Dion & Barbara Streisand “Tell Him”

Ever Dearest John(s),

Thank you John(s) for the waltz

For I never ever danced again

Thank you for that summer and more

The chitchats and wasting time

I wanted to send a message now

Share my thoughts and talk nonsense

Anything goes, share a laugh

But my calls will be rejected

My messages will be ignored

I hope all my good deeds count

Thank you Johns for smiling at me

Enjoying my company and being there

You know too well, I never pretended

Always telling the truth, a bad liar!

Thank you for not judging my looks

Accepting me despite of weight & numbers

You always see the goodness in me

Even if I pushed you away many times

Not all people are that forgiving

Material things have more worth

Than the purity of my intentions

Why there are people who dwell on hatred?

Why some people choose to be cruel,

When they have the choice to be kind?

Every time I felt the injustice

I remembered all the good words

If only things were meant to be

If only one of you or I shouldn’t go

Johns, I am not the master of my fate

I am here where I can find myself

Improve my skills and do my best

Alias Johns, you all knew too well

I am very lame but I ought not to be hated

Just want to be happy anywhere

And behold the beauty of the world

Not holding on to any of you at all!

Good news Johns, I avowed to let it be

To love and love, just love the love!!!

Bad news is, none of you are coming back!

This time, only ignored, rejected and not forgiven

Everyday I pray that the one who hates me

Will find forgiveness in his heart

I am not being sensitive or being a drama queen

I just don’t want to argue and fight

I wanted to live peacefully & happily

Hope ones eyes are not blinded

With ego, pride and all the rage

I wanted to care and be a Friend

I wanted to go out, have all the fun

Johns, I’m still me, not the prettiest

Always try my best to choose goodness

No hate, only love and never giving up

Even it’ll hurt me all over and over again

For every pains and tears, I’m created

To become stronger and closer to God

Johns, life goes on, no one can take away

My kindred spirit and genuine heart

Whatever there is, no one can erase

My smiles, happiness and gifts

No matter how I will be judged

I will stand still and choose love above all!

I Like It Too!

Everybody gets hungry and thirsty

Who says I don’t want what’s real?

God knows that I want it more…

Heaven forbids coz I like it too!

How much I love to have it everyday❤️

Will I say no when the opportunity comes?

But are you willing to give and share it?

Self-control, diversion and prayer…

Always willing to wait, not aggressive

Same as always, patient & enduring

Do you know what’s in my head?

It’s beyond your wildest fantasies

Beneath, unknown is my darkness too!

Will you unveiled it for me one day?

By One Republic ‘Secrets’

You are Priceless!

Yesterday morning, I slept during the whole trip towards my working place that someone had to wake me up by tapping my shoulder when I reached my destination. Thank you concerned student!

I was home early yesterday evening. So, I was all set to do my chores and I started by throwing the rubbish in my room before eating my meal. Then, I went down to take the package from our mailbox. While dining, I realised that my phone was missing. I emptied my two bags which I brought to work that day. I searched high and low but all my efforts were fruitless. I told the auntie that I lost my phone and we gave it series of rings but couldn’t hear it anywhere in the house.

No drama and no tears this time! I composed my self by clearing my thoughts. So, I remembered my old phone and used the iPhone app to locate my device. The Find iPhone app indicated that it was somewhere my location. The last memory that I had was throwing my rubbish. So, I jumped into conclusion that I might unintentionally throw the phone with my garbage coz it happened to me before.

My auntie helped me to report the incident and call the Housing Board. Few minutes later, they sent someone to open our block’s rubbish bin. Hence, I found myself looking for my phone for an hour over dirty trash with all the cockroaches. The smell was so strong but I never puked. I climbed four times to peek at the rubbish pit and I never cared even if I was wearing the same skirt that I had on at work. The search was a total failure. In order to cheer me up, the auntie told me to take a shower because I stink from head to toe. I prayed to clear my mind and to keep calm. No drama, please!!!

I bought my old phone in the shower and tried my luck while exploring the Find iPhone app. I pressed to report lost phone and pressed play sound. When I went into my room, I heard a beeping sound. So, there it was my phone inside the laptop pouch for the whole time and it was in silent mode. (Now, I know how the app works! 😂 lol)

Thanks heavens! Afterwards, I reflected and told God what should I say to my angels tomorrow?

Jesus is the Good Shepherd! He knows His own and He knows each one and He called them by their names.

So, I told the kids my search the pile of garbage story this morning. I told them that if I cried over a phone and had to search a stack of dirt to find it, do you think Jesus won’t do the same? I told the kids that you’re worth is more than a latest iPhone, any expensive gadgets and luxury things. I added, ‘you’re priceless!’ I also told them that their parents sent them to have a moment with me because they’re loved and they wanted them to have a time with Jesus through me. Hence, I honestly told them that I had nothing to offer to them and I am not the expert in religiosity and theology. I am no brainer, clumsy and forgetful! I am bound to my weaknesses except I only have my truest love, the goodness in my heart and purity of my intentions. Others may not appreciate who I am, it doesn’t matter because I am as precious as everyone else! I am worthy.

I don’t have to convince others the truthfulness that lies beneath my heart. I’ll just continue to be myself. I never closed my door, you always shut down yours. All I said may sound lame and senseless, I’m good with that because I know I am genuine and for real. I don’t need to receive all the likes to uplift myself and be happy. I may failed all the time still it never hindered from always trying my best to use God’s gifts productively in His service and to others around me. I did a good job all the time! Thank you, Lord for the opportunities and this chance!

I hope deep within you appreciate it too! No more hate and anger… I am all the drama because I don’t know how to confront and express my anger! I don’t argue and fight. I only keep quiet, cry and walk out. I am mentally healthy, I just don’t want conflict. No explanations needed!

Peace! No war, my gorgeous love! After all the trouble my weakness caused me, I tried my best to keep my cool to endure and be dauntless! I hope you heard yourself and find deep within that words hurt like daggers… Hope what you did to me won’t happen to you! Peace be with you, gorgeous!!!! You’re more than precious to me!

Apart from You, I am Nothing

Why am I doing this? I should be out clubbing and meet prospects. Then, feed the needs of the flesh and be joyous in the ways of the world.

Am I wasting my time? I should be home now doing my chores; and watch Legends of Tomorrow, Arrow and Iron Fist. I should be home preparing my clothes and meals for tomorrow. I could probably start my painting or read a book. Yet, why am I there when I am too tired after a long day at work?

Well, I am there because I know I am loved and God will never disappoint me. I may have my drama moments but it doesn’t mean my faith is lessened. I am in service of Him because I wanted to spread His love and remind others that He exists and He is above all creations.

Wasting time? Of course not! After listening to what the parents said with what their children shared to them, it made feel grateful to God for He called me to serve Him.

He is the true vine and I am one of the branches. I abide on Him because apart from Him, I am nothing.

Well, on my way home for I just left the church. While in the bus, I am composing this post.

Water 💦& ❄️ Ice

💧 Drip, drop. Drip and drop!

Melodramatic & melancholic

I was not dumb nor that naive

I only switched off my brain

To believe in your drama and lies

Although my conscience bugged me

Whatever made you so joyful

I did the unthinkable, breaking rules

That was supposed to be the episode

When we ought to enjoy the waltz

Only we drifted with coldness within

What kind of love it was that chose to hurt?

Wrapping in ice to shield from pain

Yet, the sun slowly melted my cocoon

I was surrounded with the water

The gloominess that I couldn’t deny

Drowning and hopeless in that situation

Rising again for I am loved by many

We turned our backs on yesterday

You’re gone but I never lost my dreams

My ideals and goals are never shattered

I never quitted, things were not meant to be

We’re no longer as cold as we were in the past

The water will drip and drop from time to time

At least we had those days when we were friends

The memories not meant to cherish and keep

Don’t worry, I have forgiven and forgotten

My Cave of Despair 😩

I’m sorry Lord for putting one of your children into the bad light. How different am I to those people who used to bully and talked badly in the past? They’re all gone but I am still dwelling in that cave where I hid every time they attacked me. I let the past torture me, leaving me helpless and losing my dreams and pride.

Why can’t I see Lord the blessings and good people you showered me? Why I always felt that their shadows following me? Why I can’t let the past be in the past? They’re gone now. I am much older, I should know better. Stop the drama! I should grow up!!!

I am sorry Lord for being so judgmental! My apologies for feeling that way causing troubles to so many people. I let my emotions and my incorrect way of thinking took over me.

I don’t deserve it! I’m glad that no one chosen me for I caused hurt on others. I did some actions without thinking of the consequences.

Grow up! Keep it cool! Be the party girl whom I used to be!!! Those bullies are long gone. I am so far from them. Perhaps, I’m unable to complete my post-graduate thesis because I was trying to prove something to them. (that was my regret that kept me going back) Still I accomplished many things now even they stepped down on me. I should not let the past affect my way of thinking and on how I perceived others.

Be that girl again! No drama! Always cheerful and laugh the loudest! Lord, help me bring back that girl that they ruined. I pray to restore who I used to be. I don’t mean to involve so many people in my drama and drag them in the bad light…. It’s my fault not theirs…

SOMEWHERE by Barbra Streisand lyrics

With Love

I didn’t see it coming and so do you

The anguish and fears only collided

My drama doesn’t make me feeble

Only true and never trying to impress

Despising my presence in that place

Did I choose the path where you were?

We’re carefree souls, our spirits soar high

Did you ever see me or will you ever will?

However, I let you be for it’s your delight!

One day, the sun will shine brightly on us

Always here patiently and never ceasing

Dearest you to God I pray, ‘take care’

Sincerely yours… with love, from me

Possibly the Impossible is Possible

There are so many possibilities. We are who we are, aren’t we? We follow the paths of our choices. After every goodbyes, we go to those people whom we wanted to be with. Of course, I understood what ‘leave me alone meant’. I cared because that’s my nature. I wouldn’t insist because I do respect people’s space. Although part of me wanted to reach and find out more, I stood still from where I was, not daring to leap over cold stone-walled fences. At the end of every episodes, I put the blame upon myself. Perhaps, everything was truly my fault. Trust me, I don’t want to be there too but I believe God sent me to where I am to make use of my gifts and to become stronger amidst all challenges. I was admired, liked and respected in every places I went. I never wanted to leave my previous place and I didn’t want to be where I am not wanted.

I am a creep and a weirdo. Call me crazy too! Yet, what anyone know with what I have been through. It’s true that I have shallow tears, an old crybaby. Yet, through pouring out my tears, I released all the negativities for I don’t want to pile them up in my heart. Others may think that shedding some tears is a sign of weakness. Well, not for me, because if any one walked on my shoes, none will surely last. But, I did endure because I believe in my abilities and God will never leave me alone.

Others may define my life as boring without happenings. Yet, how do you define an exciting life? Is it to hookup with random people and get booked for dates? Is it spending cash on entertainment? Well, I don’t want to be with someone to fill my needs and to make me happy because I am joyful and contented on my own. I wanted to be with the one who finds me in his heart and believes with his might that I won’t leave no matter what. I will stay loving, loyal and committed…. and I’ll never get tired of forgiving and understanding. I don’t need so much to enjoy life because I am aware that there are little pleasures in everything and life doesn’t end here.

I always know that it’s impossible. I already dropped the idea in my head. Is it really what I imagined and fancy? Is it only the desire of the darkness within? Is it because of the summer heat that made me sweat? Well, the truth of the matter is I am same as other women. Yet, the only difference is I am expert in hiding and pretending too. I never wanted this but you made my escape schemes failed all the time. It’s not a surprise to me that you have plenty names in your list and your out with one of them. Well, if being with another makes you the happiest, it will hurt but I’ll remind myself to be glad because it’s my true joy and wish is for you to smile and rejoice all the time.

It’s never possible!!!! Will you ever notice me when you set your eyes on your phone for the pretty ones exist there? I always wanted to ask you out. But, you never gave me a chance instead you made me shut up and kept my distant. I wanted to talk random things and listen to your side of the story but you refused not similar on how you talk to others. So, I chose my silence and just fall in love to every song I listened. How can I let it be when you never let me in?

Somewhere in the place I know, you were there more than just a friend. Someone I can hug, kiss and touch everyday. Not elusive but seen the best in me. Not afraid to be closer but someone who cages me underneath his arms. And what do you know, there’s more and more… What do we really know? Possibly, the impossible is possible. After all, everything is possible in God.

I may not write so much now. I may kept my distance because I respected what you wanted. Still nothing changes for whatever there is… it’s the same as it was how I felt in the beginning.

Can’t bring myself to sleep for ur thoughts is the drug that’s keeping me high!

Kiss of Judas


Money talks louder

All for silver and gold

Pride and shame

Words do matter

Trophy to parade

What’s real or true?

Do you care at all?

You are the luckiest

You rejoice and feast

How long this will last?

Carrying the cross

Dying and suffering

Everyday is a torture

Remember, Jesus said

“For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted”

Forget about what Judas did

At the end, he paid more…

Are You Captain Cold?

My favourite among the legends, the villain who you only love but can’t hate, Captain Cold. He only proves one thing that being bad isn’t evil, it’s a matter of choice. He may despised the hero (Flash), he is still someone whom you can always count on when facing challenging circumstances. He maybe not that kind of hero who saves the day still he’s the nemesis that won’t turn down the opportunities to fight whether it is bad or good.

Trust me, Captain Cold is not your kind of guy but beneath that coldness he still has a heart that feels even he conceals his emotions.

Patiently waiting for forgiveness. One day, you’ll remember the days when you are fun being you.

Bloopers of the day:

– I had a wardrobe malfunction. My skirt had s big tore behind. Embarrassing! Thanks to the concerned lady who warned me about it!!!

– I helped my friend to place an order online last Sunday. There was an item that arrived when I reached home today. I thought it was the facial cream I ordered. I tried it on my cheeks. Then, it turned sticky like a glue. I was skeptical and so I ran through the orders I previously placed. I am dumbfounded to find out that it was my friend’s order. It was not a facial cream but a NAIL GLUE!!! 😂😆😝

The problem when you cannot read the label ending to a disaster!

A Long Walk

It was a hot day and I messed up

I was never good enough

I blamed myself for many things

Lost in nowhere consumed with fear

All this time, I am never forgiven

No matter how I tried, all was gone

Asking for respect, losing someone

How many times should I say sorry?

Am I pretending to be kindhearted?

Am I really a beast even if I pray?

It was supposed to be a short hike

A long walk that turned into a dash

Embarrassed of what I failed to be

I had to runaway and be with God

Yes, I was with the Almighty

But my thoughts were somewhere

My responsibilities and people behind

Repeatedly telling myself again and again

No one would care, I am no one’s business

I just didn’t know what’s with the hate

I accomplished my tasks, loving my job

Wanting to be there for others

Always concerned how others welfare

Only misinterpreted and misjudged

I left without a word, ashamed of my failure

Do I really deserve where I am now?

Or I only belong to God’s embrace?

Can I be God’s bride and be a nun?

There was no divine intervention

Even the priests in the church were not there

I was looking for a friend, I couldn’t find

What if history will repeat by itself?

When I did my best and I’m still wrong?

The reaction and anger reminded me of the past

So the fear played in my head and the humiliation returned

Will he do the same putting me in the spotlight

To bring me down and to break me into pieces?

Will I lost my pride and those I learned to love?

My fears returned and I felt so little of myself again

There was someone who despised me to the core

It cost my livelihood and jeopardised my pride

Will it happen again? Will I be forgiven this time?

Babe, Genie is So Gray😭

It was a tale like no other tales, 

Forgotten and untold by your forefathers

His story began in the forbidden forest

A lost lovely maiden was chased by beasts

She scampered fast; then, suddenly stumbled

There it was her lifesaver, a golden lamp!

Alas, awaken from a hundred years of slumber !

Outraged but the genie was left with no other choice 

It was his  duty to grant his new master’s 3 wishes

He vowed saying “Your wish is my command!”

The first wish was to salvage her from those monsters

Second wish was to bring her back to her old place

Her third wish was unselfish for it was his freedom!

***

Few years passed, his origin was known to everyone

His skin withered and his powerless like all mortals

A little girl asked, “Mama, why the genie is so gray?”

Babe, genie is so gray for this is what he wanted

 And the maiden only wished for what he truly desired

His liberty brought him plenty of adventures

However, his might had its own limitations

Worst of being free was to feel so much pain

Did he ever regret giving up his lamp

For he felt a great love and was rejected?

***

Well, this is not sad a story or a happily ever after

Even if the genie turned gray and had few years to live

He could always look back with a  contented smile

After all, it’s how we survive that makes living worthwhile

And the unusual surprises of life makes it beautiful

By the way, did the genie found his true love?

What you wish with your heart will surely happen!

If you really want to know, you can ask him

Perhaps, you know him well, more than I do 😉

How this ends? It’s really up to you, my friend —

—————————————————————————————-

“I know that when a door closes, it can feel like all doors are closing. A rejection letter can feel like everyone will reject us. But a closed door leads to clarity. It’s really an arrow. Because we cannot go through that door, we will go somewhere else. That somewhere else is your true life.” 
― Tama J. Kieves

***

Of course, you’re going to get your heart broken. And it isn’t just going to happen once, but a lot. That’s just part of growing up, and it makes you stronger. Then you can handle it better next time. You may not get through it yourself, but your friends will help you through it. And you’ll be a stronger person because of it. Then one day someone will come along, and it’ll all pay off and no one will ever break your heart again.

– Redneck Girl, Heartbreak Quotes 

—————————————————————————————–


by Cardigans “Love Fool

What Kind of Woman You Want?

My father told me, be the woman of God and aim to be like the great women in the Holy Bible. Thus, I don’t mind if others will see me as boring because I am contented of being who I am and I accept my flaws as a woman.

Nowadays, it’s all about vanity in social media and physical looks do matter… filtered photos, so much makeup and to the point of plastic surgery… This is the era of visual people and others confidence are based only on LIKES and number of followers.

Despite of society’s standards of beauty, I still believe in what my father said and I will always aspire to be like my heroines in the Bible.

Happy International Women’s Month!

TO THE WOMAN OF GOD: ❤

NEVER EVER GIVE UP!!!

NEVER EVER QUIT!!!

Be an ESTHER, bold and courageous enough to stand for the truth, to voice your opinion and fight for the good of others, even when it means to sacrifice yourself. If God has put you in a position, it is for a purpose. Never be afraid to heed that inner voice.

Be a RUTH, loyal in all your relationships, walk the extra mile and don’t quit when things get tough. Someday, you’ll see why it was all worth the effort.

Be a LYDIA, let your homes be open, let your hands be generous, let your hearts be big enough to help anyone in need. Joy is greatest when shared.

Be a HANNAH, never cease to pray. It will never be in vain.

Be a MARY, humble and submissive. You don’t have to be great for God to use you, you just need to obey.

Be a DORCAS, use your talents, however small it may seem to bring a smile on someone’s face. You’ll never know how much it can mean to someone.

Be an ABIGAIL, remember how each decision can turn your life around for good or bad. Be wise.

Be an ELIZABETH, never doubt what God can do. He is the God of many miracles.

Be a MARY MAGDALENE, never let your mistakes and judgments of other people stop you from experiencing the joy of Jehovah.

Be a REBEKAH, never forget that true beauty lies within. Draw all your loved ones closer to God through your Christ-like character.

Lastly be a SARAH, age doesn’t matter, Trust & believe that all things are possible with God according to His time.

👱🏻‍♀️Who Run the World👩🏻‍⚖️

Hey, girl! Embrace this day wherever you are in the world.

Don’t frown for today you shine the brightest. None of us is inferior, we have the edge to reach our goals. Never give up despite the trials!

What did I do for this day? I didn’t wait for others to make me feel special instead I started someone’s day with an awfully sweet treat. It felt good to make others special (no matter how blind).

Hay, I’m all over you and my preference was never of the same gender. You never get it and how quickly you concluded that I play with the same team.

By Beyoncé – ‘Run The World (Girls)’

Again, Tick Tock Says My Heart

God knows who to love

What are in my wild thoughts?
You have to know what’s beyond
To dig the deepest hidden well
Down under where my secrets lie
Only two meters away from you

***

I don’t know what to do anymore
No right words to say each day
Waterfalls running uncontrollably
Left in the room to miss you more
Please help, come not only in my dreams!

***

I deserted that messy place
Exhausted and absent-minded
But you never left my thoughts
Should I get it for you or not?
Or are you kidding again?

***

Sitting so near inside closed door
But you’re as selfish as usual
Keeping things you don’t use
My proud prince who can’t see me
But still tick tock says my heart!

***

Kneeling in front of the Almighty
My prayers are exclusively yours
Aren’t our lives entwined this day
To grow, heal and love even more?
Gotcha! My heart can be yours…

***

Do I catch your sight somehow?
Or is this all about the jokes?
Not another of your prank saga
Here you go again, making me tense
And so, tick tock says my heart

***

When it’s right, God always knows
The time when no more questions
I can make you the happiest too
Shoo those wolves! Go away!!!
Again, tick tock says my heart 💓hurting again

It’s My B-day Again! (My Extended Celebration)

Thanks for the generosity

I spent not a single cent

Thanks for the thoughtfulness

Even if I am always not there

Thanks for the understanding

Despite I was missing in action

Thanks for the no hate and grudges

Sincerely thank you for everything

For being my friends all this time

Happy birthday too my friends! Wishing us the love that flourish in our hearts forevermore! I’m glad that I came instead of prioritising my take home tasks. Thanks for reminding me that I needed to take a break and breath sometimes!

More and Less: the Season of Lent Begins

I am a bit distracted while I was preparing for today’s session. Instead of reading my notes while I was in the bus, my thoughts were all over making me kept in touch with my dark side again. I guess, it’s not easy to the path of divinity. I am as human as everybody else, of which this morning awakened by a nasty dream and the cry of the flesh.

So, I sought forgiveness from the Divine for my human flaws and my physical needs. Before the session started, I went to the Adoration Room to calm and clear my mind and to concentrate on Jesus. Thus, I sought for the Holy Spirit’s presence to guide me and lead the session. God is fully aware that I didn’t want to disappoint my angels.

Everything went fine (according to how I memorised it) and the flow went smoothly. I also added extra info not found in the plan. Except towards the end, when I realised that I inserted the incorrect last page of the plan. Hence, I am lost for a few seconds. So instead of the panic attack, I let Jesus led the way. I went back to my senses and emphasised on the kids what they could do more and do less during the Lent period.

By the way, the kids were admiring my comic sketches that I made for the story. One of them asked, ‘are you an artist?’ I wished my grade school Teachers heard that because last time it was about the bribery and favourites. None of them noticed my skills in art except my Guidance councillor. She chose my DIY Valentine’s Day card to be displayed on the school bulletin. No one admired it except me and I didn’t tell any of my family members that my work was exhibited. While it was on display, I kept on looking at it everyday for a very long time. Then, I avowed to myself that one day I’m going to make someone special a card way much better and I’ll draw nicer things to make people smile and be happy. Well, my artistic gift is something I shared for the good and glory of God, plus for my pleasure and stress relief.

Going back to the solemnity of Lent, the kids were enthusiastic sharing their inputs on what they can do during the preparation of the Coming of Christ. And so below are mine…

What can I do more…

1. Be more compassionate, caring, charitable, generous and understanding to others

2. To control my temper and be very patient, take a deep breath twice when my patience is challenged and as much as possible avoid the bad mood episodes

3. Take my responsibilities seriously and give my best in everything I do

4. Always choose kindness for others and myself as well

5. Be courteous, courageous and forgiving, let bygones be bygones

6. Pray more, spend more time with Jesus, and keep on believing

7. Accept others for who they are regardless of age and gender

8. Smile always and laugh all the time, it’s the best medicine after all

9. Be more loving, keep loving and loving…always love (hoping the day will come that he’ll choose to feel it in his heart even if he hates the drama— drama sells the reason K-drama is the IN thing nowadays)

What can I do less…

1. Less of losing my cool easily and getting into a bad mood

2. Less of the drama, the isolation and loneliness

3. Less of judging others (particularly the opposite sex) but accept them for who they are

4. Less of idle time but be more productive

5. Less time staying in the darkness of my heart but always see the light at all times

6. Less shopping 🛒 and writing nasty stuff

7. Less hanging around with the media and technology

—-

Lent is a time to be with God and follow Jesus’ example as He prayed in desert for forty days. He withstood the three temptations of the Devil. Today, I read and shared to the kids about the Forgiving Father. Follow the choice of the Father rather than the son even others do not.

—-

And so I am aware with how you’ll talk and I know you won’t greet me back. I still press send because I meant it and I always care. As you said, I should be used to how you treated me even it’s unfavourable… I kept my cool without a single hatred or pang of heartache… One day you’ll find out that angels don’t drop by everyday… May my goodness move your heart and may my prayers keep you away from all evils and dangers in the world. Take care and good night😊😘

A Girl Can Also Hope

A girl can wish to the stars

To be the light that guide you

To be there and kiss your lips

To hold your hand everyday

***

A girl can pray to the Creator

To keep you safe from harm

To guard you from the Devil’s clasps

To shield you from all diseases

***

A girl can dream in her sleep

Of her wonderland you explored

Of how gorgeous you’ve always been

A waltz in an unknown paradise

***

A girl can imagine in waking time

A fantasy of wilderness she keeps

Your strong shoulder she can lean

Your lovely eyes only gazing at her

***

A girl can paint on her emptiness

The portrait of you on her wall

You add beauty to her lonely canvas

For you inspired her in many ways

***

A girl can only write all the words

For she doesn’t know how to speak

For she’s scared to shout what’s inside

Scribbling what she won’t dare to say

***

A girl can only hope that someday

You’ll turn around in her direction

You’ll finally realise she’s only there

Right in front of you all this time…

***

A girl can also hope that someday

You’ll find her in that heart of yours

Someday it’s her and no longer them

You’ll see with your heart not with you

By Celine Dion “Falling into You”

I don’t know what I lost until it’s gone… 😢

Isn’t she lucky? Am I the unfortunate one?

Can I buy new specs for his heart too?

If that’s the case, he can surely see me

Everyday I pray, I hope not to see him

He’s so gorgeous it’s killing me inside

I don’t want to catch him in my ride

For it will never make him joyous at all

My presence annoys and disgusts him

I really want to be in her shoes right now

Because he worships her like a goddess

He doesn’t mind spending all his cash for her

He’s willing to do all favours to please her

He only sees her beauty like she’s an angel

How I envy for he’s a gentleman to her but not to me!

When was that time when people I used to know

Generously gave, no computations, no divisions

Was it that long when people really see the beauty in me?

Am I too old to try? Do I have another chance?

Yet, there were sacrifices I had to make in the past

And I had other priorities and I was very scared

Thank you to those people I used to know

For the appreciation, generosity and time

Thank you for seeing me for he never did

What can I do when I thought that I can and I’m ready

No one is there and no one even take a look?

He always see only those pleasing in the sight

Can you tell him that I am a good company too?

Can you tell him that I am sincere and truthful?

Can you tell him that I’m not faking just to please him?

Can you tell him that I am not always gloomy?

I am adventurous, carefree and open-minded too!

Can you tell him that I am already falling for him?

Although he’s getting in my nerves and disappoint me

Can you tell him that if he only cares and see

He will surely uncover what love truly means

To the past: no turning back for we only move forward

For I truly don’t know what I lost until it’s gone

He can never be any of you because he who he is…

Will he ever see and appreciate me one day?

Will he ever find it in his heart that I’m worth it???

Will I continue hiding in my silence again and again?

*****

I am not really good in getting the guy. My expertise is how to lose a guy in an instant. I made a perfect score in making all the guys I liked to despise me and gave them the reasons to hate me to their cores. I don’t even know how to act or say to get their interests. I wanted to try being flirty but it’s just too difficult for me. I only know how to write but not how to speak. I kept my distance because he doesn’t want me there. At least I said what I had to say…

I wanted to be the fake me… the isolated one and distant. I was outside this afternoon, I may not be looking but I am not deaf. I could hear clearly his joyful voice while walking with her on the pathway…

Should I tell him that I had a Valentine’s Day present too? Can anyone help me pass it to him because I will never have the courage to do so? A gift maybe not that pricy but at least not divided by four… I forgot u can only do that to her and not to me… I was hoping there was always a maybe…

If I said whatever I said… it was not because of the price of the gift… it was out of disappointment…. and the fault was mine coz I expected too much! (People are too loaded to buy expensive stuff why so stingy to be generous. Why was it a big deal? Never even ever give me a treat!!! Not even once!! Sometimes I am also nicely dressed, there were male and female colleagues who told me but he never ever see or not even noticed just even once… only criticised me for being overly dressed)

My Heart’s Day gift is actually useless and no point for him for he probably brought a special present for her which I couldn’t have. Definitely they were happily exchanging gifts, dating and that more…. on that special day…. whereby in my darkest and wildest fantasies and dreams…it’s only me!!! Him and I we shared that moment, didn’t we while I am sleeping? Or we can, shall we?

By Celine Dion & Barbra Streisand “Tell Him”

*Celine Dion, my sis and I all-time fave singer… thanks for the track coz the joke brought back so many memories…

Gone & Taken

Heard and seen, always known

There’s truth in a pal’s tales

The glass shattered in pieces

Pray harder, call all the saints!

What’s the use he’s already taken?

The usual day, filled with shades

On separate ways, another path

His direction to her not to me

His silhouette slowly perished

Out of my sight into her arms

Suddenly he’s gone & taken by her

Was it a dream when he was there?

Over and over again, I am the joke

Am I just an automaton in the room?

Guess what, I’m like everyone else!

It’s not easy to hide and pretend

And it’s my deepest melancholy

To witness him gone and taken by her

By Martin Garrix & Dua Lipa ‘Scared To Be Lonely’

Can We Choose Who We Love?

Perhaps, love isn’t ours to define and it doesn’t have criteria nor standards. No matter how we escape or refuse it, love will always lead us to someone whom already etched in our hearts.

Old flick time and I chose to watch ‘The Reader”. At first, I felt it was gross and inappropriate for a 36 year old woman named Hanna Schmitz to have a relationship with an 15 year old boy named Michael Berg. Yet, the movie was more than the May-December affair of an older woman and younger man but about a different kind of genuine love which defies age and status, and also the circumstances surrounding them. Indeed, age doesn’t matter when it comes to love.

According to Michael Berg, ‘Only One Thing Can Make a Soul Complete and That Thing is LOVE’.

Hanna knew Michael is much younger and she never called him by his name. She referred him as ‘kid’. Michael, on the other hand, never said a word to anyone about his relationship with Hanna. During those times, the kind of relationship they shared was a taboo and unacceptable to the society. Michael’s denial only affected him as he aged and part of him still sought that kind of love he had for Hanna.

Perhaps, Hanna also couldn’t admit to herself that she loved someone way much younger than her. She was never opened with her feelings. However, the love they had inspired them to do what they could have done.

The movie taught me that doing something to someone you cherished isn’t a favour that person owed you. Likewise, it’s your gift to your soul that gives joy within because such love taught you courage, humility, generosity and being true to yourself. Love wears no masks, no pretending for it is being WHO YOU ARE AROUND THAT PERSON WHOM FATE BROUGHT FOR YOU TO LOVE.

Is love really our choice? Can we really choose who to love? There are times that I don’t know what to feel anymore and ashamed of what I really feel. Sometimes I suppressed my feelings and just be numbed…. like putting anaesthesia in my heart in your presence… Can I really choose not to love again and again? Will I be like Hanna? Why not let love be if you’ll let me love you more?

The Stranger is my Midnight Lover

Forgetting all my heartaches

The deadly rage within takes a pause

A brief cinema in the world of my head

A soap opera of my unconsciousness

A drama created by my production

No scripts and no auditions required

Only the desires and longings of my heart

Perhaps, it is never a vision

Something beyond unreal

But the feeling brings me to heaven

***

The climax of the scene is bidding farewell

The lover in tears and refuses her to leave

So afraid that she won’t return and leave for good —

She hugs him tightly and explains with kisses

A romantic moment that she’ll always remember

She packs her luggage and flies  to her father’s land

Reuniting with old  friends but something is missing

Rekindling the joys of the past while her heart’s bleeding

She no longer belongs to the shadow of yesterday

She  wants  to share all tomorrows with him

***

It is time to claim her most precious gift

When she enters in the room, he’s no longer there

Is it too late? Why he must leave so soon?

She cries and runs fast towards the door

Then, he gently grabs her shaking hand

Her skin  feels really cold and her heart is alive

The magic of that minute creeps into her soul

He said, “You thought I won’t come

But I am always here waiting”

Together holding each others’ hand

Flying together at the spiral staircase

***

What an authentic joy in my dreams!

Hey, the sun is on duty now!

It’s time to move on and live

He’s no longer my midnight lover

But a nameless man standing  by the road

And whose heart will soon be mine!

(X.O.X.O…. You know i love you and always will… wake up now… X.O.X.O. Don’t you miss me?  X.O.X.O. We’ll find one another… someday… somehow… all over again… our confusions will be over… and it will be no longer just a dream.  X.O.X.O…. I love you so!)


by The Corrs “Only in my Dreams”

Published on 2 March 2012, 1.02PM

Cry Baby: ‘the Saddest Girl Ever Existed’

Saddest girl she has to be
Salty tears stream down her cheek
Her heart’s bigger than her body
Her name is Cry Baby

cry babyWhat’s with the drama? Oops, nothing is wrong, I’m just bored.  In other words, I have nothing better to do with my life as of this moment (aside from sleeping and watching AHEMBsl8itfIcAEUk56, LOL).  By the way, I managed to make 149 cranes for my personal ‘1,000 Cranes Project’, which I aim to complete this month.

So, I was listening to songs I am addicted to last time and one of the artists whose music I enjoyed is Melanie Martinez.  I really love Melanie Martinez and her ‘Cry Baby’ album, all the songs are worth listening.  My favourite tracks are ‘Training Wheels’, ‘Cry Baby’, ‘Doll House’ and ‘Pity Party’.  I’ve been listening to the Cry Baby album since it was released in 2015.  Even until now, I am still watching the music videos because they’re creatively done and everything just captivates me.  The songs in the album are interrelated and there’s a story behind every track.  Melanie Martinez is not only an amazing singer and composer but a magnificent storyteller too! Kudos!

Sadly, true or not, it’s quite disappointing that Melanie Martinez is accused of sexually assaulting another female, Timothy Heller ( new artist and one of her best friends).

From Timothy Heller’s tweets:

Timothy Heller

Melanie Martinez’ response to the allegations:

Melanie Martinez response to Timothy Heller

Read more: http://www.independent.co.uk

By Melanie Matinez “Cry Baby”

Find out more: http://melaniemartinezmusic.com/crybaby/

My baby has finally arrived!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️😍😍😍🎂😇😇😇🌈🌈🌈🌈🎉🎉🎉

And my Captain together with his crew are also here to join the fun! Got my friend Totoro freebie❤️❤️❤️😘😘😘

Upcoming: 1,000 Cranes Project (Work in Progress)

 

1st Sunday of Advent with Friends

I had a good laugh, and I talked and ate a lot not caring if I’d put a lot of weight today. Who could resist Japanese cuisine? It was an early Christmas get together with my Holy Family Church pals. My friend commented I am one of the true individuals she met (NOT PLASTIC, NEVER!). She added that I am daringly dressed up outside but I am actually conservative inside. Oops, I agree to that and thanks to her for pointing out. By the way, I loved the grilled salmon that I even ate the fish’s eyeball. Gluttony!!! By the way, I failed the lipstick challenge! My lips too thick!

My cravings put me to sin. Nevertheless, I was all prepared, overly dressed as usual and expected. I always wanted to wear those boots for a long time. There’s no winter in Singapore but let’s pretend I came from another country. The lady in the church who sold me something couldn’t even recognise that we came from same roots.

The joke of the day that I playfully uttered to my friends (with all the get-up), ‘I’m a celebrity before who already quit showbiz’ LOL. My celebrity complex is getting to me again.

A quick stroll around Orchard Central and a bit of shopping. Gosh, so crowded! (Discovered a newly opened 24-hr Japanese store)

After the fun and yummy dining, I went to the mass at the Cathedral, Church of Good Shepherd. After mass, the Archbishop William Goh’s message about the significance of gift-giving during the season was played. I couldn’t remember his exact words but it sounded like ‘when you give people presents, you’re not doing them a favour but you’re giving yourself a chance to share your blessings for everything God has generously gave you’. In other words, you’re giving yourself a favour in doing so. It’s not only about the gifts but it’s the opportunity to make others feel that they’re important, appreciated and remembered.

Actually, I’m jotting down notes for what to give this Christmas. The essence of sharing for me is not receiving back but to spread love and happiness. The smiles that I will see on their faces are more than enough for me. I hope to give everyone at home presents like I used to do. After all, I am still the same, always thinking of others first before myself.

I am fully aware that my sister wouldn’t understand why I turned down her request to sponsor a Children’s party. I had nothing against it. I was the founder of it ever since I was a child. After all, I used to be the president of the community for almost a decade and I used to initiate everything. I just wanted her to understand that when I did it, I was not alone although my father was always been generous. I motivated others to do their roles too. It was a group effort. I may be the captain then but the ship sailed because each one did an integral part. I never lead to be known and praised, I was there because I wanted others to feel that they belonged and it was never a one-man show. I always knew how to share the stage and I never needed the spotlight to feel important and needed.

My words were unkind for I indirectly said that you can never share what you don’t have. Honestly, I didn’t mind giving but didn’t I give so much? All my life it was all about them and so little room for myself. Tough love isn’t easy because I knew I hurt her feelings but I should let it be so that I would allow her to grow and fly on her own, take responsibilities and be humble to reach out to others. Now, I am reminded what I used to do every time I organised every youth and children’s parties. I did those stuff since I was fourteen until I left home. Of course, I pulled everything because I was so thick-skinned and Papa was always my avid supporter.

Christmas is around the corner! Rejoice, my friend, if you a non-believer! God is everybody’s saviour so you’re never excluded from His list this season.

Tomorrow won’t be a drama although all by myself and no one remembers or think of me. It’s freedom day coz I can eat inside and blast the music without anyone complaining. I can wear anything maybe I can wear shorts with matching backless or halter! 😂😂😂😘❤️ I can bring my disco lights!!! One day of freedom!!! Deep inside, I will actually miss everyone especially special…

3 J’s

Spring cleaning today of our L3 cupboards and payer space for our Catechism session already ended this year. Afterwards, I had lunch with my fellow Catechists at Saizerya in Seletar Mall. Thanks for my friend for the lunch treat and it didn’t end there for we had another coffee, a treat by another friend at Ya Kun Family Cafe.

As we discussed our plans for next year’s Catechism L3 sessions, one of my friends shared about the 3 J’s.

What are my 3 J’s this week?

The first J is Joy. What made me happy this week? I was happy with the breakfast treat that my boss gave daily for this week. I’m delighted that I finished the digital painting and drawing that my team will give to our Principal for her retirement gift. I hope my friends like what I did. It will make me happier (I’m not sure if they did like the art pieces I made). Also today my friend told me that I was doing well in my session and she appreciated how I projected my voice. Then, my colleague mentioned that her son was in my class. Her son liked and looked forward for my class every week, and he even applied what he learned at home. All the while I thought there was something wrong with how I spoke and my accent would hinder me in delivering my lessons and sessions. I felt happy for the appreciations and praises.

THE 2ND J IS JUNK! JUNK!!! WHAT MADE ME FEEL AWFUL THIS WEEK? OBVIOUSLY THE STRANGER TREATMENT AND THE RUN AWAY (I THOUGHT AS) FRIEND. I felt the junk but not his… LOL! And so as part of the AVENGERS, my power was the music blast!!! Who’s the stranger now???? Then, I was obliged by my sibling to rush things, which I hated because I had initial plans. The worst part was the truth about my bracelet. God knows I worked hard for it and I treasured it with all my heart. O, Mama when will all the lies end?

The third J is Jesus. How did I choose to follow Jesus this week? I was not that angry but very very mad to the max that there were invisible smoke that came out from ears and nostrils. However, I didn’t let my anger swallow my goodness and draw me to isolation. I chose to forgive and be a friend. I didn’t count what I did or what I have done, or even tolerated. I chose humility over pride, and my position didn’t stick in my head. Thus, instead of hate, I spread kindness and shared. I even let the one who ruined my day chose what he liked and the price never mattered. It was not intentional. I just knew that the person was quite picky and particular. Then, this week were my sister and nephew’s birthdays and also shared with them my blessings so that they would have a good time in their respective celebrations. I pray to Jesus that my Mama will stop lying for others’ sake and just for once she’ll also consider my feelings. Above all, I spent my time wisely together with my friends in Christ. Next year, I’m looking forward to share my love for Christ to others and grow more in faith. Others think that I’m lame because of I cherished my family and faith with all my heart. No issue with me. Whatever they’ll say, I still do my best to remain in the light and pray everyday for God’s guidance so that I won’t lost my way again.

I maybe lame but tomorrow I’ll walk with my knee-high boots for a lunch out with my friends. It has been quite some time since I last wore it.

Too Old

Spark at the beginning

I like you ever since

You stir my emotions

Enjoying the fun 

Always a good laugh

I know, I’m too old

What’s the big deal?

Age doesn’t matter

For I just can’t help

Feeling this way

You’re too addictive

My happy pill

And stress relief

Forever be yours

One Piece avid fan

I should have not get the phone casings because I’m going to change my phone soon.  But when I saw them on sale, I forgot my plans.  Luffy and your crew, what have you done to me? LoL Can’t wait to go home and watch the latest episode…

Recycle Bin Emptied

Life doesn’t keep scores

Whether I win or lose

I did carve you within

Words in my sleep were right

Time to tidy up the mess

Get rid of all the memories!

***

Put my efforts to my pieces

Used to inspire my art

That turned as my trash

None was meant to hurt

My indirect vengeance

A scheme unplanned

***

I want to draw another

The scars left behind

My tragedy and fear

Can’t paint the same

The portraits needed to go

Soft copies must be deleted

My Recycle Bin emptied

Thanks for all the pains

I’m braver & stronger now!!!

Can I paint someone new?

Certainly, got the courage!

Am I allowed to do so?

God, all I wanted is to share

To give my all and love too!

I know that I can. I will!

For there’ll be one man

He’ll treasure the portraits

Making him proud too!

By Grant Gustin “Running Home to You”

10,000 Reasons

A morning of prayer and thanksgiving… and farewell to a great leader.

I’m thankful for all my blessings and the good things that happened in my life. I am too grateful, so I also gave thanks to the people who helped me even if I am difficult and distant.

I’ll worship Your holy name

You’re rich in love

And You’re slow to anger

Your name is great

And Your heart is kind

For all Your goodness

I will keep on singing

10, 000 Reasons for my heart to find

Bless the Lord, oh my soul

By Matt Redman “10,000 Reasons”

Seize the Day!

My cough kept me awake from time to time from nighttime till dawn. When I already slept soundly, I was awakened by a tremendous sound of continuous thunders. It frightened me even more knowing that I am left alone in the house, uncle and aunty went for a trip overseas for three days now. Due to lightning, there was a power trip. Hence, all lights went off! I’M SUCH A SCARY CAT!!! I’m afraid of the dark and thunder, plus no one was there. I initially panicked, dropped my phone facedown and broke its screen protector (I just replaced it 2 weeks ago). ‘Trust in Jesus, trust in Jesus!’ I kept reminding myself.

What a heavy rain! High heels not for today! At work, I thought that I’m free from teaching and I could do other tasks instead. Besides, I already offered to assist. Yet, another class was waiting. I couldn’t shortchange the kids and tell them that I have nothing to teach. Thus, despite my cough, I managed to deliver the lessons in between my barking. Then, when I was about to eat my free lunch at the canteen, another class came inside the com lab. I thought no more lessons for today! Yet, this is my last day with these kids. Next year, they’ll be on another level and they won’t be in my class again. Why not seize the day and give them something to remember? So, I did what I could by giving them an interesting lesson and gave out prizes afterwards.

I missed the free lunch. Well, it was alright since I did my part in my responsibilities. Nevertheless, I’m grateful to my friend for he gave me the burger that was given to him. So, I didn’t spend anything for lunch after all! Thanks❤️🙏🏻

By Spongecola “Bahaghari”

11.11: Farewell My Angels

I told myself I wouldn’t love or be involved again.  I’d rather hide in my cave and be the couch potato queen.  Live an unhealthy lifestyle and grow fat, dressed badly walking on ballerina shoes; and don’t even bother to find out my purpose.  Yet, love has many forms!

I claimed not needing anyone for I am contented with the company of myself.  When I left home, I slammed the door to shut everyone out in my life.  Perhaps, there was an erroneous choice I once made that dragged me to hell because I thought it was what I needed and wanted at the moment of my anxieties and frustrations.

Hey, Lord! Thanks for Your saving grace that opened my eyes to the essential of my existence.  When You brought me to where I truly belonged,  I slowly accepted my reality and learned to trust in Your plans. Everything didn’t come instantaneously, the process took awhile. Indeed, I was truly a slow learner. So, that was Your way of teaching me to be more understanding and patient as a person for others.  I am totally imperfect and I still need to work on my flaws over difficult people who are slaves of their egos.

I told You, I couldn’t.  Didn’t I? Not the centerstage again, I am told that it wasn’t my cup of tea.  What did I know about children? What else I could say about You? So, on my third year in service, You gave me children under my wings.  Whaaaat??? A new challenge and different responsibilities….

In the midst of this year, the circumstances of the situation, almost took me away from those angels.  Remember what I said to You, ‘there’s no taking back with what You have given and for sure You won’t allow Your sheep unaided.’

You answered me in a dream.  I dreamt of this day except in that dream I brought them ice cream but all my friend and I brought them were boxes of pizza.  Well, when you fed children, they could be perfectly well-behaved.  

Well, these children were my angels in desperate times.  In that time, when I was swallowed by the whale of darkness, God gave me these angels to assure me that nothing was impossible in Him. 

 I am always misunderstood. I admit when my heart and pride are pierced, my tongue is pulled down. Then, I’m left speechless and I’d rather be isolated.  I really don’t know how to deal with my anger.  I wish that I could shout and scold people, or pretend that I am cool with everything even if I am not.

It wasn’t a good day yesterday.  My body gave up on me.  I was exhausted but I pushed myself to keep kicking for I took my responsibilities seriously.  The people around me made me feel that being a goody two shoes was incorrect and a big joke.  

Thank you my angels for being restless at the beginning but with all the words you said, I am reminded that I introduced you to Jesus in a different way, which made you love and trust Him even more.  

I am not good in getting angry and expressing myself.  I don’t know how to deal with anger.  It only stressed me out that made me withdrawn from others.  I don’t even know how to nag or scold…. All I can do is cry… But, despite my tears, I can still face the world bravely with an ageless bright smile.

Thanks to you my angels for making me feel good and teaching me to love and be true to my commitment.  Thank you also for showing me to love Jesus even more. Thus, I didn’t let rain nor my sickness stopped me to be with you for the last time.  I hope I could stop you from growing and flapping your wings to the world because I feared the tendency that one of you may be like Anakin Skywalker who grew to become the Darth Vader.  Yet, you have to fly on your own to spread Jesus’ love.

Our journey in faith isn’t over.  Keep moving forward with confidence in Jesus.  Don’t be like the foolish bridesmaids but be like the wise ones who always had oil in their lamps.  Farewell my angels, till we meet again!

It’s My Birthday! 18 Again!

I’m the debutante today for the second time!  I wore a navy blue cocktail dress with a flower wreath on my head.  It felt good to be young again!  (I looked more confident and prettier this time compared to my actual 18th birthday.  It’s what you call growing old gracefully).

I had fun and enjoyed the whole celebration.  All hardwork paid off!


I just didn’t enjoy dressing up!  But I also did my part in making the whole presentation a success.


Thanks to all my groupmates and friends for all their contributions.  I’m grateful to all these very talented and skillful ladies!  


I woke up early to prepare all the stuff needed.  My friends were there to help me and they brought all the tasty food too!  Wow, it’s teamwork as it’s finest!  Thanks to our teacher, Ms Anabelle for everything she shared and taught us!  I totally don’t have confidence in baking for I thought it is tough to make all those cakes, breads and other pastries.  Thanks to this course, I learned a new skill and discovered that baking isn’t that tough at all!  The course has ended but I’m looking forward for more opportunities to bake more and more…

In Darkness there’s Light

Insulted. Absolutely! Definitely!

Are we made of plastics?

So nice and friendly inside 

Outside, go ahead avoid me!

Embarrassed of my age?

Shame on you for judging me!

I am not only made of numbers 

My heart is forever young

Always appreciating little pleasures

My soul will never age in God

For it is not restricted to time 

I know you can’t see me at all

For you were not even looking

It’s alright if you can’t appreciate 

I’ll always remain to be true to myself 

The birthday bash and presents

I won’t waste them on someone 

Who never cared and bothered 

Besides, you’ll receive a lot from many

So you won’t notice if I won’t give my gifts

If only you knew and spend that day with me

You’ll be the happiest, the best day ever!

I hope it makes your spirit high

Humiliating and poking your jokes on me

Of course, young girls are plenty 

If you only knew and find it within

No one will ever love you same way as I can

You don’t know, you never looked closely!

In darkness I hid, strolling unseen

Dressed in white, did I become a ghost?

In darkness, I found my serenity

No matter how many times you ridicule me

The light within will always be on fire

By Kesha “Girl on Fire”

The Last Message

In the middle of all the ridicules and humiliations, when I’m stuck in the reality where I don’t matter and exist anymore.  The Devil surely did a good job in feeding me with all the lies.  Yet, in my defence, the angels made me remember those wonderful memories that I kept only to myself.

Yeah, it was the longest-running infatuation but it began beautifully and how I described it was my favourite lines of all time.

Audrey Hepburn

“It was one boring lesson and I was definitely hungry.  My teacher didn’t only look like a goat but he sounded like one.  I felt like sleeping in class.  So, to control myself from falling asleep, I looked around to keep my drowsy eyes occupied.  Then, at that unexpected moment, you trapped my sight with your presence.  I was glued to you, despite of the fact that your friend was much cuter.  You were goofing around on the stairs not so far from where I was.  I couldn’t take my eyes off because you had the loveliest smile that I ever seen.  At that very instant, the world stopped rotating and the background froze.  It felt that it was only both of us existed in the world, and everyone’s existence dissolved and blurred from that scene.  Then, the only sound I heard was the melody from the piano.  There was only you and I, and I could hear the music looping in my heart.”

We were children back then, what did I know?  All I am determined to achieve was to create a name for myself.  When that time would happen, I wouldn’t tremble anymore when you would be there.  After all, you were the only man that I ever knew who completed my checklist for the ideal guy.  I admit that I was not that loyal, I played along with the options.  However, you were always the number one and the best.  Yet, you were almost perfect that made everything about you scary.  Suddenly, you were gone, Cleopatra was reborn and the attention I got was not really that pleasing at times.

I was an inferior teenage girl.  But, in college I was overconfident and everything was so easy to me.  I am always selected and lots of people wanted to be my friends.  I became a part of many things.  Perhaps, in school and my community, I etched a name for myself.

After I received my degree’s cert, you were the first one I searched.  I never told anyone but you were the only one I dared and put effort to reach out.  Well, I had my resources.  If I really paid attention to it, I could nominate myself as the best stalker.  Nonetheless, why should I be one?  That was the prime of my teens, I had the time of my life and I always enjoyed the little pleasures and suprises the world could offer.  In other words, I was too busy that I couldn’t spare a second in stalking you.  Sorry to disappoint your expectations but my obsession never led me to such extremes. Anyway, I only did whatever I did out of my impulsiveness because I thought at that point, I am already valiant enough because I already made it in college.

What they didn’t know, for a brief time, we exchanged messages and dropped calls.  When I heard your voice after five years, it was a disbelief that it made me awake for the entire night.  My apologies to those guys who thought I was into them because the truth was I only danced along with the music of my youth.

Several random messages were exchanged between us.  Suddenly, you asked me to come to the place where you were playing pool.  I refused but you insisted.  I wanted to be there but I couldn’t.  I am still not your equal.  My fears were greater than my feelings.  Plus, I couldn’t violate my dignity and pride. I convinced myself that it was not time yet.  Not yet.

I had my chance but I blew it because I had nothing to prove to you and everyone else.  I still couldn’t draw same as you could.  In addition, I still couldn’t prove myself that I deserved that seat in my class and I belonged in that place where we found one another… I’m not just the lucky one, I belonged too!

Prior to deleting your mobile number.  I used my creativity in writing to compose the last message I sent to you…

“It doesn’t matter.  Actually, nothing matters at all.  As long as I know that same sun and moon shine above our heads, I will always be fine.  May they watch over you and won’t fail to tell you that I truly cared even from a distance.”

MESSAGE SENT.  NUMBER DELETED.

contact deleted

Perhaps, I was almost there but my heart couldn’t overthrow the power of my mind.  My brain assured me that I chose correctly because following my heart would probably direct me to ruins.  Hence, I put an end to that infatuation for it was merely nothing but the invention of a dreamy and hopeless teenage girl.  No happily-ever-after ending.  It was the finale of my choice.

If I accidentally dropped by and saw you for the last time in your special day, please bear in mind that what never began was obviously over.  After that day, the world never stopped anymore and the music never played again.  I was like a walking dead incapable of feeling real affection and still scared of showing my true feelings.  Indeed, I am only good at hiding and writing. After all, they don’t really see the real me…

By Anne Hathaway “Somebody to Love” (OST Ella Enchanted)

 

The Broken-Hearted Girl

After all the tears and the drama

There is still a huge hole in her heart

The escaped souls from hell tempting her to curse

Yet, her gloominess will never spoil her pure soul

Her wrath is temporary, it will soon go away

Even if her kindness & generosity are ignored,

She remains true from the start till the end

Others’ intentions have question marks

Still she holds on her faith & believe in miracles

***

It is one of  the so many episodes of real soap opera

She’s not playing the role of the broken-hearted girl

She will never be the loser for she survives it all

She will never raise and wave the white flag of defeat

Try catching her, she’s flying farther than you

It takes a heartless someone to make her dream high

Forever she’ll care for you ‘coz she’s unlike other girls…

X.O. X.O .X.O. X.O .X.O. X.O .X. O.

i’m back to the old place — our dreamland… welcome me back again… thanks for not leaving soon in  that safe place that doesn’t suck —

Written last 12/12/12

By Beyonce “Broken-Hearted Girl”

Where Were You When I was 17?

Marlena asked Jacob Jankowski “where were you when I was 17?”.  The line struck me because I asked myself the same question every night for I’m so smittened with your presence in my dreams.  Even if there were  no scientific connections between dreams and reality still I wanted to believe that such unreal and imaginary moments in my head gave my heart reasons to bounce again as it used to do when I was 17.

Water For Elephants poster

Our story is not similar with Jacob and Marlena for there was no train ride that led us to the miracle of finding love.  Instead, I took an unintentional flight to leave my disgrace behind only to find a bench where I used to frequently see someone with headset and books.  Are you aware that I wasted my time looking for your photograph and I accidentally kept one?   Are you aware that it was so silly of  you and your friend to make fun along the background?  Do you still remember when you were obliged to wait for me?  Do you recall the time when I sent you out of the room twice for you were not welcome inside?  I can still remember that moment I spoke to you and how we shared same sweet smile from a distant.  Maybe you think that I didn’t catch you winking at me twice.  I only pretended that I didn’t see but actually I did.  Yet, all those random events are meaningless because we were never acquainted or became friends. (At that time…)

Dreams are all false, a fool’s perception of a non-existent world. Nonetheless, it is a perfect universe I conquered because it is where I can freely hold your hand and lovingly kiss you. There are no rules and standards, no norms to abide.  It is where we are free as a man and a woman.  If I am seventeen, I will still not talk to you but at least there will be no issues if you become one of my friends.

Perhaps, I don’t want them because I only wish of you even if it is difficult to see you again.

(Actually, few months later, you took courage to speak with me.  Then, we became FB friends and had at least 3 photos of only two of us together.  One event was during the reunion and another was my bday.  We spoke several times and you told me about your future plans.  We had a brief connection but that wasn’t ours to flourish and keep.  For sure this time, you’re no longer 17. Hope to see you again.  I don’t know if you’re that same person I used to know 6 years ago. There are plenty girls out there but there’s no one like me. Miss those days and thanks for not embarrassing me.  Thank you very much for the honesty, respect and admiration).

Published 6 June 2011