Black Pages

Holy Spirit! Lord of Light! From Your clear celestial height, Your pure beaming radiance give!

rays-of-light-shining-throug-dark-clouds
How will you see when you close your eyes?
How will you feel when you shut down your heart?

Distorted facts fed into her innocence
Age is a matter of number, what did she know?

Web of misjudgments, cruelty and lies
What would you expect from the sons of darkness?

A just woman and kinder spirit with sweet smiles
Benefit of the doubt, everyone is a friend

She thrived to be someone she was not
The question of the color of her flesh

In the black pages of her life written
The tears that no one bothered and    cared

There she was in a place she wished to belong
Only not welcomed, broken and left alone

On those black pages, you can read
Her swollen eyes and suffering in silence

How could you see the artworks filled with love
When she drew on black pages with black paint?

How could you read her sorrowful texts
When she scribbled on black pages with black ink?

Is the color of your skin, also the shade of your heart?
Though out of trend, her beauty is skin deep

In her black pages included other’s feast
Yet, in the darkest moments she found the light

She’s not the coward in those black pages
Her heart does not discriminate, do you?

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edited by gen❤️😘

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Connecting the Dots

This evening I couldn’t bring myself to draw for you crossed my mind.

Don’t you know? According to Wikipedia, the world population was estimated to have reached 7.6 billion as of October 2017. Above the earth, anyone’s appearance doesn’t matter. Whether you are fat or thin, up in Heaven, everyone looks the same. For from afar, with billions of people occupying the globe, all of us are like moving dots who are always on the go to survive the unpredictable winds of change.

What our stories be like? How do we ended up to where we are? Well, life is full of mysteries so live and deal with it. Moreover, there’s someone greater than all of us who knows every name of each single dot. His great power can bring some dots altogether whether we like it or not. Hence, be brave and still for the mission impossible. For when the Almighty connects the dots, it won’t be a smooth sailing and bed of roses. Yet, it brings out our true selves with joys in our hearts despite all the consequences. So, keeping the faith in my heart that God knows what He’s doing and I trust Him.

Why you ought to be mean? I don’t mind trading places with those who you cherished the most. If people aren’t happy around me, I’d rather disappear and give you whoever can make you the happiest. Hope one day, you’ll see that I am not only made of numbers that I am a woman too.

Despite of all the ill talks behind my back, I’m still grateful to God to where I am today because I am given the opportunity to showcase His gifts to me and others benefit from them too. And to which dot He’ll connect me, I’ll fully accept with no questions asked.

Speaking of gifts, I didn’t know which is which. I don’t know what’s gotten into me that I even bothered to give someone who never liked my taste and who never failed to remind me with my flaws. Sometimes my brain just switch off and I do things without understanding what I am doing. Will you like any of those? I don’t know because I’m the worst gift-giver ever! Besides, you’re expensive taste won’t appreciate my cheap thoughtfulness. Isn’t the thought that counts?

By Anne Murray “You Needed Me”

Recycle Bin Emptied

Life doesn’t keep scores

Whether I win or lose

I did carve you within

Words in my sleep were right

Time to tidy up the mess

Get rid of all the memories!

***

Put my efforts to my pieces

Used to inspire my art

That turned as my trash

None was meant to hurt

My indirect vengeance

A scheme unplanned

***

I want to draw another

The scars left behind

My tragedy and fear

Can’t paint the same

The portraits needed to go

Soft copies must be deleted

My Recycle Bin emptied

Thanks for all the pains

I’m braver & stronger now!!!

Can I paint someone new?

Certainly, got the courage!

Am I allowed to do so?

God, all I wanted is to share

To give my all and love too!

I know that I can. I will!

For there’ll be one man

He’ll treasure the portraits

Making him proud too!

By Grant Gustin “Running Home to You”

10,000 Reasons

A morning of prayer and thanksgiving… and farewell to a great leader.

I’m thankful for all my blessings and the good things that happened in my life. I am too grateful, so I also gave thanks to the people who helped me even if I am difficult and distant.

I’ll worship Your holy name

You’re rich in love

And You’re slow to anger

Your name is great

And Your heart is kind

For all Your goodness

I will keep on singing

10, 000 Reasons for my heart to find

Bless the Lord, oh my soul

By Matt Redman “10,000 Reasons”

Seize the Day!

My cough kept me awake from time to time from nighttime till dawn. When I already slept soundly, I was awakened by a tremendous sound of continuous thunders. It frightened me even more knowing that I am left alone in the house, uncle and aunty went for a trip overseas for three days now. Due to lightning, there was a power trip. Hence, all lights went off! I’M SUCH A SCARY CAT!!! I’m afraid of the dark and thunder, plus no one was there. I initially panicked, dropped my phone facedown and broke its screen protector (I just replaced it 2 weeks ago). ‘Trust in Jesus, trust in Jesus!’ I kept reminding myself.

What a heavy rain! High heels not for today! At work, I thought that I’m free from teaching and I could do other tasks instead. Besides, I already offered to assist. Yet, another class was waiting. I couldn’t shortchange the kids and tell them that I have nothing to teach. Thus, despite my cough, I managed to deliver the lessons in between my barking. Then, when I was about to eat my free lunch at the canteen, another class came inside the com lab. I thought no more lessons for today! Yet, this is my last day with these kids. Next year, they’ll be on another level and they won’t be in my class again. Why not seize the day and give them something to remember? So, I did what I could by giving them an interesting lesson and gave out prizes afterwards.

I missed the free lunch. Well, it was alright since I did my part in my responsibilities. Nevertheless, I’m grateful to my friend for he gave me the burger that was given to him. So, I didn’t spend anything for lunch after all! Thanks❤️🙏🏻

By Spongecola “Bahaghari”

I’d Rather be Kind…

I don’t know how to deal, express and process my anger. It’s really difficult for me to stay mad for a long time. Actually, I despised that feeling because it felt so awful inside making me cold and withdrawn. Why it’s so easy to smile and be happy than hold a frown and be forlorn?

Although I didn’t feel like getting out from my icy prison cell still I shared the snacks my kids in church gave me. I didn’t know that today is World Kindness Day. I indirectly did the gesture unknowingly because that’s what I am all about even if I’m misunderstood at times. Wait! Did I give a treat willingly or I was tricked to it? Lol. In kindness, nothing can go wrong…

I’d rather be kind because it feels good to share and smile at others. To share kindness is spreading goodness and let others see that Jesus lives in you. There’s no other comforting feeling than to be kind to everyone even to those difficult people.

I’d rather be kind even if others are not because this is who I am. I don’t have to pretend that I am also mean because it’s very stressful and it takes away my serenity. There are people who’ll probably mock me for this but I simply don’t care because whatever I’ll do, it is expected that there are people whose fave past time is to criticise others. You can never please the whole universe. Just continue doing what you do best and continue to be kind…

I’d rather be kind to myself, do what I love to do and have a good rest. I don’t have to go with the flow to impress others, if at the end I am unkind to me by abusing and taking my being for granted.

11.11: Farewell My Angels

I told myself I wouldn’t love or be involved again.  I’d rather hide in my cave and be the couch potato queen.  Live an unhealthy lifestyle and grow fat, dressed badly walking on ballerina shoes; and don’t even bother to find out my purpose.  Yet, love has many forms!

I claimed not needing anyone for I am contented with the company of myself.  When I left home, I slammed the door to shut everyone out in my life.  Perhaps, there was an erroneous choice I once made that dragged me to hell because I thought it was what I needed and wanted at the moment of my anxieties and frustrations.

Hey, Lord! Thanks for Your saving grace that opened my eyes to the essential of my existence.  When You brought me to where I truly belonged,  I slowly accepted my reality and learned to trust in Your plans. Everything didn’t come instantaneously, the process took awhile. Indeed, I was truly a slow learner. So, that was Your way of teaching me to be more understanding and patient as a person for others.  I am totally imperfect and I still need to work on my flaws over difficult people who are slaves of their egos.

I told You, I couldn’t.  Didn’t I? Not the centerstage again, I am told that it wasn’t my cup of tea.  What did I know about children? What else I could say about You? So, on my third year in service, You gave me children under my wings.  Whaaaat??? A new challenge and different responsibilities….

In the midst of this year, the circumstances of the situation, almost took me away from those angels.  Remember what I said to You, ‘there’s no taking back with what You have given and for sure You won’t allow Your sheep unaided.’

You answered me in a dream.  I dreamt of this day except in that dream I brought them ice cream but all my friend and I brought them were boxes of pizza.  Well, when you fed children, they could be perfectly well-behaved.  

Well, these children were my angels in desperate times.  In that time, when I was swallowed by the whale of darkness, God gave me these angels to assure me that nothing was impossible in Him. 

 I am always misunderstood. I admit when my heart and pride are pierced, my tongue is pulled down. Then, I’m left speechless and I’d rather be isolated.  I really don’t know how to deal with my anger.  I wish that I could shout and scold people, or pretend that I am cool with everything even if I am not.

It wasn’t a good day yesterday.  My body gave up on me.  I was exhausted but I pushed myself to keep kicking for I took my responsibilities seriously.  The people around me made me feel that being a goody two shoes was incorrect and a big joke.  

Thank you my angels for being restless at the beginning but with all the words you said, I am reminded that I introduced you to Jesus in a different way, which made you love and trust Him even more.  

I am not good in getting angry and expressing myself.  I don’t know how to deal with anger.  It only stressed me out that made me withdrawn from others.  I don’t even know how to nag or scold…. All I can do is cry… But, despite my tears, I can still face the world bravely with an ageless bright smile.

Thanks to you my angels for making me feel good and teaching me to love and be true to my commitment.  Thank you also for showing me to love Jesus even more. Thus, I didn’t let rain nor my sickness stopped me to be with you for the last time.  I hope I could stop you from growing and flapping your wings to the world because I feared the tendency that one of you may be like Anakin Skywalker who grew to become the Darth Vader.  Yet, you have to fly on your own to spread Jesus’ love.

Our journey in faith isn’t over.  Keep moving forward with confidence in Jesus.  Don’t be like the foolish bridesmaids but be like the wise ones who always had oil in their lamps.  Farewell my angels, till we meet again!

Always Choose Love

Forgive me Lord because my fever is getting into my being.  I should not be there but I gave my word to assist and provide, and it was my last day to be with my favourite class. 

Despite of my anxiety and frustrations on how others chose pride over being not just a friend but a Good Samaritan, I still chose what I loved to do.  In choosing love, you always win.  I might be defeated with the demons in my head still I triumphed in the hearts of those who welcomed me.  Thanks to them for I am reminded that all my efforts were worth it!

Why you gotta be so mean?

mean3

You, with your words like knives
And swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again
Made me feeling like I’m nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard
Calling me out when I’m wounded
You, picking on the weaker man 

You never failed on looking down at me

mean 1

Well you can take me down with just one single blow
But you don’t know, what you don’t know…

Someday I’ll be living in a big ole city
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides
And your wildfire lies and your humiliation
You have pointed out my flaws again
As if I don’t already see them
I walk with my head down
Trying to block you out ’cause I’ll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

I bet you got pushed around
Somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now
‘Cause you can’t lead me down that road
And you don’t know, what you don’t know…

And I can see you years from now in a bar
Talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion
But nobody’s listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can’t sing
But all you are is mean

All you are is mean
And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean

Published on 8 April 2016

mean2

by Taylor Swift “Mean”

What’s that all about?

There was you.

    The familiar setting and people, in a bizarre dark scene.  Were I nasty? Was it your influence or it was the side of me unexplored? Or the far cry of a woman in need for a long time untamed, jailed and ignored? Suddenly, the lights went off and in the darkness I expected your presence but instead I found the people I deeply cared.  Surprisingly, you were not like that at all.

There was him.

    I thought it was the cupboard that belonged to you but he was there taking all the things.  I bursted your name to stop him from taking what were yours.  He smiled as he used to when we first met.  Then, he asked about you and I was completely honest and truthful to my response.  In that split of second, I lost you in my thoughts because I was stunned of his unexpected presence in there and I was drawn to him again.  Nonetheless, he spoke the reality of the matter.  So, he broke my heart all over again.

There was Papa.

    I ran away far from him but as I dashed the pain became lighter.  As I kept moving forward the hurt disappeared and I embraced my freedom. It was like getting out from the tunnel.  I felt like a child so overjoyed to escape darkness and it seemed that it was the first time I took a glimpse of the sun.  My happiness multiplied with 1000 for Papa was there and I hugged him for so long.

     I told Papa what was happening in my life.  He smiled and put the blame into himself.  Papa told me that I am not out of chances and I just looked at my palm for it was written.  It’s with me all this time.  Hence, all I have to do is trust my heart and stay humble.

   Papa disappeared and I didn’t know what was getting into me.  You crossed my mind and I whispered your name. I found myself awakened 3pm yelling out your name.

   It was said to pay attention on your dreams and visions because these are God’s ways of speaking and reaching to us.  It took me awhile to decipher what was that episode all about.  All I knew God was telling me that no man is the same.  He and you are not alike.  After all, God already saved me from the likes of him and brought you into my life.  God never left me alone and He’ll keep His promise.  I only listen to the Almighty Father, not to the judgements of people who hardly knew mr.  Take note, it’s already written in the stars, engraved on the palms of our hands.

By Tinie Tempah Ft Eric Turner “Written in the Stars”

It’s My Birthday! 18 Again!

I’m the debutante today for the second time!  I wore a navy blue cocktail dress with a flower wreath on my head.  It felt good to be young again!  (I looked more confident and prettier this time compared to my actual 18th birthday.  It’s what you call growing old gracefully).

I had fun and enjoyed the whole celebration.  All hardwork paid off!


I just didn’t enjoy dressing up!  But I also did my part in making the whole presentation a success.


Thanks to all my groupmates and friends for all their contributions.  I’m grateful to all these very talented and skillful ladies!  


I woke up early to prepare all the stuff needed.  My friends were there to help me and they brought all the tasty food too!  Wow, it’s teamwork as it’s finest!  Thanks to our teacher, Ms Anabelle for everything she shared and taught us!  I totally don’t have confidence in baking for I thought it is tough to make all those cakes, breads and other pastries.  Thanks to this course, I learned a new skill and discovered that baking isn’t that tough at all!  The course has ended but I’m looking forward for more opportunities to bake more and more…

In Darkness there’s Light

Insulted. Absolutely! Definitely!

Are we made of plastics?

So nice and friendly inside 

Outside, go ahead avoid me!

Embarrassed of my age?

Shame on you for judging me!

I am not only made of numbers 

My heart is forever young

Always appreciating little pleasures

My soul will never age in God

For it is not restricted to time 

I know you can’t see me at all

For you were not even looking

It’s alright if you can’t appreciate 

I’ll always remain to be true to myself 

The birthday bash and presents

I won’t waste them on someone 

Who never cared and bothered 

Besides, you’ll receive a lot from many

So you won’t notice if I won’t give my gifts

If only you knew and spend that day with me

You’ll be the happiest, the best day ever!

I hope it makes your spirit high

Humiliating and poking your jokes on me

Of course, young girls are plenty 

If you only knew and find it within

No one will ever love you same way as I can

You don’t know, you never looked closely!

In darkness I hid, strolling unseen

Dressed in white, did I become a ghost?

In darkness, I found my serenity

No matter how many times you ridicule me

The light within will always be on fire

By Kesha “Girl on Fire”

Bus 72

No need to run off or be scared as if I’m the witch in Oz, I’m taking Bus 72.  I am not some monster, in fact, I am going to attend a mass for ‘All Saints’ Day.  I already made donations to say prayers for Papa and Grandma. So, don’t worry, I am not some leech who’ll stick around even unwanted.  If don’t want, then, don’t want….  The rule is simple for me, I only want the one who wants me the most!

What’s with the birthday gift when no one wants it anyway?  What’s with the thoughtfulness and generosity when I’m not even there? Silly me, never learned!  Those people I used to know are all gone. No one is there anymore…

No need to rush and no need to endure standing the whole trip.  It was not my intention to be out at same time.  Don’t worry, be happy.  I am not taking same bus for I am taking Bus 72.  By the way, I am going to the Church of St Vincent de Paul.  St Vincent de Paul, I am taking back all my prayers!!! But, you know my heart.  I sincerely pray for your intercession.  

May all the saints bless you and may they’ll enlighten you that not ever once I insisted on anyone that doesn’t want me anyways… No need to avoid me as if I have a disease or a disgrace…  

 Forget about those gifts and cake, none are needed and those will be received from a lot of them!!!

Genevieve 

 She strolls into the pit of darkness with a joyous soul

She waltzes in the storm concealing her fears

And she always smiles even she’s dying inside

Loyal and selfless for the ones she cherished

A sacrifice she will never regret though unappreciated 

Always her father’s darling, she loves him forevermore

The kind of girl who sees the beauty in everyone

She values her friends but she suddenly disappeared 

How much she misses them all but there’s no looking back

She used to be their clown and cheerleader 

Someone who sticks around through thick and thin

She laughs the loudest but she weeps in silence

Do you think she doesn’t care? She loves you more

You think she doesn’t want you, she desires you very much

She pushes people away because she’s scared

She doesn’t know how to express what she feels

She’s afraid to utter the incorrect words 

She trembles with your stares and melts with your smiles

If given the chance, she’ll be there and love you more

She’ll give in to your desires and be a fool once more

And so your spirits will rejoice, a dance in heaven

You think she doesn’t know, she’s not a child, she’s a woman

Will you look at her eyes and clasps her hands?

Tell her ‘be crazy with me and let’s take this chance!’

Your words are her magic, the power that will bring her back

Yet, she’s there and you never take her out from the dungeon 

Will  you ever comprehend what’s in her thoughts?

 Will you ever know that you’re always in her mind?

What does it take to convince you that you’re in her heart?

I know Genevieve very well, inside and out

How about you my friend, do you know Genevieve too?

Will you uncover the mystery beneath her smile?

(published on 7/16/15)

By Depeche Mode “Somebody”

Let’s Have a Drink

It’s a manic Monday

This cheap fashionista 

Exhausted and sleepy 

Wearing less than $20

My high heels only $2.50!

Looking only at promotions

***

Thirsty in love and more…

All I need is the chance 

Looking for opportunities 

If desires are granted 

I’ll love you the greatest!

***

Come, let’s have a drink!

Can save cash on clothing 

Not counting how much

In sharing and generosity 

***

Come, let’s enjoy our drinks!

It’s buy one and take one

Can I take what I can’t buy?

Splendid and joyous moments

Endless possibilities in God

Whatever! Let’s have this drink!

Savouring it while promo lasts 


By Bangles “Manic Monday”

Who’s Your Fave Saint?

The children had spoken… during today’s session I asked them “who is your favourite saint? Majority gave their answers… Well, reminding me that it’s almost Christmas.  But beforehand, let’s remember the communion of saints in heaven.  Let’s celebrate, ‘All Saints Day’ on 1 November.  May all saints in heaven intercede for us!



Saint Nicholas also called Nikolaos of Myra, was a historic 4th-century Christian saint and Greek Bishop of Myra, in Asia Minor. Because of the many miracles attributed to his intercession, he is also known as Nikolaos the Wonderworker and his legendary habit of secret gift-giving gave rise to the traditional model of Santa Claus through Sinterklaas
.

Source:

Everybody loves this man, who wouldn’t?  I do too and always will… What do you know?

  Recently, I discovered my parents named me after a saint.  When I was in secondary and tertiary, I truly hated writing my name because it sounds so girly and it’s kinda long.  How would I know there’s someone holy same as my name?

We can’t all be saints but we are all destined to join our Father in heaven.  Some of us maybe lost in the ways of the world still bear in mind that there’s goodness in everyone.  My Papa always told me not to judge people quickly instead always see the good in everyone.  As human as we are, no one is perfect but no one is stopping us to do good deeds and share our blessings to others.

I met a pessimistic and materially bound woman who viewed other people negatively due to her experience.  She warned me about how bad people will become if you have nothing and money is all that matters for anyone to stick around.  Now, I remembered what someone used to tell me ‘money can change feelings and influence one’s choice’. (Reason I was deleted in the picture, hope he still kept his portraits drawn courtesy of me)

Well, I answered the lady, ‘I don’t know what will happen next but all I have is MY FAITH’.  There are times in life that people around you are the spokespersons or channels of the Devil’s lies.  Everyone say it’s not possible.  Whatever they’ll say? I know that nothing is impossible in God.  I believe in Him despite what others will say.  I told the kids in this morning’s session that I always want to be a nun.  I saw my self as one of the Carmelites sister who lived in the monastery like monks and wouldn’t come out only spent the day in prayers.  But no sisters of the congregation noticed me even if I came there everyday.

Then, that voice must be real and that was no dream but a vision… He said, ‘you don’t have to find me for I am there in the places you’ve been to…’ (the voice spoke in English not in my dialect) Whatever led me here, it is part of God’s plan.  God knows my needs and the desires of my heart.  I just go on living my life, sharing my talents and smiles, and always find happiness in all I do even at times my patience is challenged.  I’ll get ready for soon, I’ll share all of me to someone God knows….


Saint Genevieve (French: Sainte Geneviève; Latin: Sancta Genovefa, Genoveva; from Gaullish geno “race, lineage” and uida “sage”)[1] (Nanterre, c. 419/422 AD – Paris 502/512 AD), is the patron saint of Paris in the Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox traditions. Her feast day is kept on January the 3rd.

Source: 

The Last Message

In the middle of all the ridicules and humiliations, when I’m stuck in the reality where I don’t matter and exist anymore.  The Devil surely did a good job in feeding me with all the lies.  Yet, in my defence, the angels made me remember those wonderful memories that I kept only to myself.

Yeah, it was the longest-running infatuation but it began beautifully and how I described it was my favourite lines of all time.

Audrey Hepburn

“It was one boring lesson and I was definitely hungry.  My teacher didn’t only look like a goat but he sounded like one.  I felt like sleeping in class.  So, to control myself from falling asleep, I looked around to keep my drowsy eyes occupied.  Then, at that unexpected moment, you trapped my sight with your presence.  I was glued to you, despite of the fact that your friend was much cuter.  You were goofing around on the stairs not so far from where I was.  I couldn’t take my eyes off because you had the loveliest smile that I ever seen.  At that very instant, the world stopped rotating and the background froze.  It felt that it was only both of us existed in the world, and everyone’s existence dissolved and blurred from that scene.  Then, the only sound I heard was the melody from the piano.  There was only you and I, and I could hear the music looping in my heart.”

We were children back then, what did I know?  All I am determined to achieve was to create a name for myself.  When that time would happen, I wouldn’t tremble anymore when you would be there.  After all, you were the only man that I ever knew who completed my checklist for the ideal guy.  I admit that I was not that loyal, I played along with the options.  However, you were always the number one and the best.  Yet, you were almost perfect that made everything about you scary.  Suddenly, you were gone, Cleopatra was reborn and the attention I got was not really that pleasing at times.

I was an inferior teenage girl.  But, in college I was overconfident and everything was so easy to me.  I am always selected and lots of people wanted to be my friends.  I became a part of many things.  Perhaps, in school and my community, I etched a name for myself.

After I received my degree’s cert, you were the first one I searched.  I never told anyone but you were the only one I dared and put effort to reach out.  Well, I had my resources.  If I really paid attention to it, I could nominate myself as the best stalker.  Nonetheless, why should I be one?  That was the prime of my teens, I had the time of my life and I always enjoyed the little pleasures and suprises the world could offer.  In other words, I was too busy that I couldn’t spare a second in stalking you.  Sorry to disappoint your expectations but my obsession never led me to such extremes. Anyway, I only did whatever I did out of my impulsiveness because I thought at that point, I am already valiant enough because I already made it in college.

What they didn’t know, for a brief time, we exchanged messages and dropped calls.  When I heard your voice after five years, it was a disbelief that it made me awake for the entire night.  My apologies to those guys who thought I was into them because the truth was I only danced along with the music of my youth.

Several random messages were exchanged between us.  Suddenly, you asked me to come to the place where you were playing pool.  I refused but you insisted.  I wanted to be there but I couldn’t.  I am still not your equal.  My fears were greater than my feelings.  Plus, I couldn’t violate my dignity and pride. I convinced myself that it was not time yet.  Not yet.

I had my chance but I blew it because I had nothing to prove to you and everyone else.  I still couldn’t draw same as you could.  In addition, I still couldn’t prove myself that I deserved that seat in my class and I belonged in that place where we found one another… I’m not just the lucky one, I belonged too!

Prior to deleting your mobile number.  I used my creativity in writing to compose the last message I sent to you…

“It doesn’t matter.  Actually, nothing matters at all.  As long as I know that same sun and moon shine above our heads, I will always be fine.  May they watch over you and won’t fail to tell you that I truly cared even from a distance.”

MESSAGE SENT.  NUMBER DELETED.

contact deleted

Perhaps, I was almost there but my heart couldn’t overthrow the power of my mind.  My brain assured me that I chose correctly because following my heart would probably direct me to ruins.  Hence, I put an end to that infatuation for it was merely nothing but the invention of a dreamy and hopeless teenage girl.  No happily-ever-after ending.  It was the finale of my choice.

If I accidentally dropped by and saw you for the last time in your special day, please bear in mind that what never began was obviously over.  After that day, the world never stopped anymore and the music never played again.  I was like a walking dead incapable of feeling real affection and still scared of showing my true feelings.  Indeed, I am only good at hiding and writing. After all, they don’t really see the real me…

By Anne Hathaway “Somebody to Love” (OST Ella Enchanted)

 

Judge Me as You Please

I’m done with my digital painting of Mother Teresa!  I thank God for as I grow older, my art skills improved and because of this I can share my artworks to serve God.  By the way, do I need to be young to do all the things I can do now?

Thank you Lord for the opportunities to share my skills and goodness to others.  By the way, I know You’re not deaf to what was said.  I’m sorry for feeling upset with how easy it is for people to say awful things and laugh aloud due to my age.  Why because they are young, are they perfect in everything and they look good? Age doesn’t matter to You, my Lord.  I am Your creation, I have nothing to be ashamed of but there’s more I can to do to fulfill my promise to You.  I’ll continue praying and no man can take away my faith.  They can judge me as they please but none of them has the liberty to judge my faith.

Well, Holy Spirit put me to sleep and for the first time I’m not prepared with what to wear tomorrow.

By Chris Brown “Don’t Judge Me”

The Broken-Hearted Girl

After all the tears and the drama

There is still a huge hole in her heart

The escaped souls from hell tempting her to curse

Yet, her gloominess will never spoil her pure soul

Her wrath is temporary, it will soon go away

Even if her kindness & generosity are ignored,

She remains true from the start till the end

Others’ intentions have question marks

Still she holds on her faith & believe in miracles

***

It is one of  the so many episodes of real soap opera

She’s not playing the role of the broken-hearted girl

She will never be the loser for she survives it all

She will never raise and wave the white flag of defeat

Try catching her, she’s flying farther than you

It takes a heartless someone to make her dream high

Forever she’ll care for you ‘coz she’s unlike other girls…

X.O. X.O .X.O. X.O .X.O. X.O .X. O.

i’m back to the old place — our dreamland… welcome me back again… thanks for not leaving soon in  that safe place that doesn’t suck —

Written last 12/12/12

By Beyonce “Broken-Hearted Girl”

Me as a Squirrel

Do you think, I don’t get it?  This is that moment when I wished to bring  back to life those people I used to know.  Those people who’d tell me that nothing matters when every detail actually mattered to me then. Those people who never failed to point my positive attributes rather than speak loudly of my flaws.  

A little respect and consideration, please… I’m in the room! You have eyes, right?  I turned my Spotify too loud with my headset but I could still hear the ridicules in the background.  Trying to humiliate me, isn’t it? Please grab a mirror and look closer until you can peek how dark is your soul!!!!😤😤😤😤😤 If don’t want… no need for negative criticisms…. Did it ever occur in that little brain of yours that not even a single thing about you I find attractive or interesting?  


I am proud of my age because thanks to God that I am still healthy and my dark skin is perfectly fine.  I thank God that I reached this far because so many people didn’t make it.  Sadly, some cut their lives in a very young age.  I am not ashamed of my age, in stead I am grateful for God’s blessings and greatness through these years.

Feel free to say that I am old!  It doesn’t matter because I might be older in terms of numbers, my heart never aged…. My smiles and goodness never faded with time.  My friends in the retreat even said that I look and act youthful.

    Yesterday, I saw an obese teenage girl who had a very severe skin problems. At that point,  I thanked God that my skin still glows with the sun despite how old I am.  

Not because they’re young they look good or they’re kind…  A lot of people I used to know told me,  “you always shine from the rest and nothing else matters.”  Well, it was not time yet then.  I had my priorities.  Maybe, in time… Till we meet again….

If it’s God’s will, nothing matters….

“Sarah was 90 when Isaac was conceived, but there are some disparate records of her age at his birth. Still, it is only a matter of a very small amount of time, and she was either 90 or 91 when Isaac was born.

From Genesis 17, describing the conception age” (source: http://www.funtrivia.com/askft/Question125674.html)

Will any of you speak something in my behalf?


My unfinished artwork of Mother Teresa.  Not all youngsters and millennials can do the same.  Proud to be old!!!


Where Were You When I was 17?

Marlena asked Jacob Jankowski “where were you when I was 17?”.  The line struck me because I asked myself the same question every night for I’m so smittened with your presence in my dreams.  Even if there were  no scientific connections between dreams and reality still I wanted to believe that such unreal and imaginary moments in my head gave my heart reasons to bounce again as it used to do when I was 17.

Water For Elephants poster

Our story is not similar with Jacob and Marlena for there was no train ride that led us to the miracle of finding love.  Instead, I took an unintentional flight to leave my disgrace behind only to find a bench where I used to frequently see someone with headset and books.  Are you aware that I wasted my time looking for your photograph and I accidentally kept one?   Are you aware that it was so silly of  you and your friend to make fun along the background?  Do you still remember when you were obliged to wait for me?  Do you recall the time when I sent you out of the room twice for you were not welcome inside?  I can still remember that moment I spoke to you and how we shared same sweet smile from a distant.  Maybe you think that I didn’t catch you winking at me twice.  I only pretended that I didn’t see but actually I did.  Yet, all those random events are meaningless because we were never acquainted or became friends. (At that time…)

Dreams are all false, a fool’s perception of a non-existent world. Nonetheless, it is a perfect universe I conquered because it is where I can freely hold your hand and lovingly kiss you. There are no rules and standards, no norms to abide.  It is where we are free as a man and a woman.  If I am seventeen, I will still not talk to you but at least there will be no issues if you become one of my friends.

Perhaps, I don’t want them because I only wish of you even if it is difficult to see you again.

(Actually, few months later, you took courage to speak with me.  Then, we became FB friends and had at least 3 photos of only two of us together.  One event was during the reunion and another was my bday.  We spoke several times and you told me about your future plans.  We had a brief connection but that wasn’t ours to flourish and keep.  For sure this time, you’re no longer 17. Hope to see you again.  I don’t know if you’re that same person I used to know 6 years ago. There are plenty girls out there but there’s no one like me. Miss those days and thanks for not embarrassing me.  Thank you very much for the honesty, respect and admiration).

Published 6 June 2011 

Lonely Bus Ride

One word is enough for a wise man, isn’t it?

So excited for something I could have

Like a child looking forward for something new 

After days of isolation and reflection,

Sing out loud to disturb the angels above 

True to my words, sadly it doesn’t matter at all

In the bus, no chitchat and laughter

On the upper deck, there’s a girl in tears

Others are blinded with her kindness 

Others’ hearts are asleep and don’t care

Others are so occupied with someone else

Others can’t see how true and great she is

It hurts a lot, I know but she’s alright 

No devil can snatch the goodness of her being

Even others’ hearts have no eyes that see what’s true

She is one valiant girl, others really don’t know 

A survivor withstanding all kind of calamities 

Will others can do, the many things she can do?

In that lonely bus ride, I feel her pain 

For her tears are flowing from my eyes….

By Glee ‘I don’t know how to love him’ (OST  Jesus Christ Superstar)

The Final Apple

Four days and three nights Kerygma Retreat in St Francis Xavier Retreat Centre.  I surrendered my phone during the retreat and finally I can use it now.  During the retreat, I met people who didn’t judge me but helped me cope with my internal wounds. Through the sessions, I’ve learned to accept myself, understand and live my faith.  Thank you to the Holy Spirit for the gift of tongue, the language of love between Jesus and I.  

   Each day, all participants are encouraged to get apples with scripture verses.  I took my last apple and told Jesus.  “Lord, thank you for today and this apple is my finale.  This is my answer.”

22 “Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. 23 “Truly[a] I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

I believe and I claim it.  In Jesus’ name, let it will be done!

Are We Petrified of the Scarecrow?

See you in the fields

Stargazing and holding hands

Dishing out the seeds of love

Why are we stuck here?

Why no one spill the beans?

Indeed, we’re no different 

Like the crows and sparrows

Terror-stricken on something

Non-existent and unreal

Choosing fear over audacity 


Come, let’s go to the fields!

You and I will not show up

Are we petrified of the scarecrow?

Oblivious to our true feelings 

Are we not tired of running?

Tell me not to be scared at all

Let’s explore the fields together 

Be more than casual friends

Be more than sweet lovebirds

There’s more between you and me

No scarecrow can that take away…

By Counting Crows “Accidentally in Love” 😘❤️😍 (OST of the movie, “Shrek”)

Through the Dandelions 

I closed my eyes and made a sincere wish from my heart.  Whispering the words that only God could hear. No more why or why not, just simply acknowledging what I truly felt.

In my silence, I yelled the words that I would never dare to say.  In this moment, I chose to respect his choice and criteria.  There’s no need to question why can’t it be me because I could see that he’s happy and having the time of his life.  When you wanted to care for someone and the opportunities are not granted, it’s fine because I can only rejoice for his happiness.

Time is not within my control for I can’t change the year when my first cry was heard throughout the world.  As a human being, there are variables beyond my control.  Thus, I acknowledged whatever I felt within in the quietness of my heart. No need to try so hard for what matter most is I am true to myself.  


The unglam photographs wouldn’t humiliate me because I accepted my physical flaws long time ago.  I don’t need any photo-editing apps and tons of makeup to make me feel good of myself.  For me being beautiful is not only restricted to what can be seen but it’s how you carry yourself and face the world confidently.  It’s accepting and cherishing how God created your being.  Society and multimedia can set the standards for physical beauty but God sees what no man can see.  After all, we are created in the image of God and in His likeness.  Therefore, God exists in each one of us.  

Through the dandelions, I made a wish that what is true will conquer it all.  Blowing it softly to the air, imagining that it will reach you gently touching your soft skin and kissing your sweet lips.  And may whisper to your ears, ‘I love you, dear…’ If only you’ve heard and not so occupied looking at them whose qualities meet your rubrics.  You should have known that you look good all the time. I hope the Dandelions won’t miss telling you that…


Why do you have to be rude?

Last day of class and a tedious practice for our graduation’s presentation, of which the idea and remix were courtesy to me.  Afterwards, was an hour waiting for a friend whom I’ve never seen for quite some time.  We had a chitchat and as usual I spoke in my normal tone while were seated in front of the last row in the bus.  Suddenly, our hearts jumped out of fear because of the man who was trying to hit me from behind.

Seriously, was it about us talking? Or were we judged to be working permits foreign dogs, which presumed to be nothing whom originated from third world and hungry stricken countries? Of course, there’s no shame to where I am now because I deserved and worked hard for my position.  I am not ashamed from where I came from because the people I knew would never treat me as if I am an animal even if they are poor and less educated.

Was it necessary to raise your voice to two women who were engaged in a conversation and almost hit from behind?  If you want your space, please sir, by all means don’t take a public transport!  If you only said so, I could have called a Grab or Uber for you and I’ll use my MasterCard to pay.  I don’t mind, if the charge is on me.

In our third world country public school, our men were taught how to treat women in a proper way.  I don’t know with your so-called high standards schools.  Values ought not to printed on the walls of school buildings, they should be practiced and lived by… Are you aware that you came from a woman too?  You won’t be present today not because of a woman who carried you for nine months and risked her life for your sake.

If you generalised that every foreign female hanging around are having their off day, I hate to break it to you that not all are the same.  By the way, who are you to judge people’s status and their countries of origin?  Excuse me, if it’s your way to get into us.  Well sir, we value our dignities over your citizenship.  None of us are users and gold diggers.  Put it in your head that me and my friend worked hard for every centavo we earned.

Me and my friend kept quiet.  There was no need to retaliate.  We fought rudeness with silence because we chose kindness over meanness.  One of the commuters gave me a sympathetic smile.  Probably the bus driver overheard because he kept a close look on his rear view mirror.  My friend told me that we could make a police report, anyway there was a CCTV to support our claims.  Yet, I told her that it wouldn’t be necessary.  Anyway, some people are sick in the mind and have so many issues in their existence.  Or maybe had an early overdose of alcohol in the body. 

 Dear Jesus, touch the hearts of those people who treat their fellowmen unkindly and pardon their wrongdoings!!!

In His Time

Thursday, 💔😭

   I questioned my archangels 

  I doubted my prayers were heard

   Is the Blessed Mother really there?

   Then, I challenged the Almighty 

   And to Jesus, I gave my conditions

   What will I share to those kids

   When my seed was in thorny soil?


Saturday,😇😘🌹

    Before I was inspired to draw

    Before I shared to the children

    Indeed, the rosary is powerful!

   Before I came to the session early

   Perhaps, I couldn’t sleep that night

  Awaken that evening flabbergasted 

   A big sigh, ‘All of YOU heard my heart”

   In Jesus’ ways, He answered 

   Not in my terms but in His time

   Who am to dictate my Saviour?

   In His time, it will be me too… 💑

Sunday.🙏🏻😎🌈☀️

    I thank my archangels and saints

   They heard me and they cared

   O, Blessed Mother forgive me 

    Thanks for giving me all the love

   I thank God for always being there

   My faith and my prayers not wasted

   Thank you Jesus and Your message

   “Patience my child, the time will come

    Don’t stop believing and have faith

   He’ll come around very soon 

  Let him be and he’ll be courageous 

   He’ll clear his head and love wins”

   Alright Jesus, your time be his too!

   

    

When Doves Cry

Glued to my bed at the crack of dawn

Isn’t it Saturday? Are the children waiting?

Nope, today is Friday the thirteen!

Will I be unlucky or will I cry?

No way, I choose happiness…

If I am down, will I let others do too?

God blessed me with what I have now

Not wasting God’s gifts due to heartaches

I prayed for strength to endure & carry on

I choose to love you in silence
****

Others say  I overdressed, that’s true

The accessories and high heels

The matching bags and wardrobe

Confidently walking in my cheap style

My clothing from sale & thrift shops 

Not pretending and hiding a double life

No shame, only loving my existence!

***

Will an artist dress like a beggar?

I am a walking canvas.  Am I?

I am God’s chef d’ oeuvre

Thus, beautifying His artwork in me

Plus taking good care of myself too!

No money on plastic surgery required

For I don’t profit using my looks

My skills brought food on the table

****

Not looking good to please or chase men

I dress up for myself and my entertainment

Thus, I don’t need anyone’s approval

If someone wants to know me more

Whatever clothes on me, it doesn’t matter

***

Little people know and understand

It’s alright. I choose what is right

When others throw stones on me,

I bring them bread and forgive

I walk the talk and I speak the truth

After all, I am truly a bad liar

Whoever you are, my goodness!

If you only see not with your eyes 

Hey, I am just in front of you all this time!


By Prince “When Doves Cry”
***

However, according to the website Bright Hub Education, mourning doves don’t necessarily just represent grief or sadness: they actually represent optimism in the face of such tragedy. “Beyond [the doves] sorrowful song is a message of life, hope, renewal and peace,” says the site. Though it’s unclear whether this more hopeful message is what Prince meant when he wrote “When Doves Cry,” the symbol should remind fans that even in times of great tragedy, there is hope for better days on the other side.

Source: https://www.bustle.com/

We Are Wild Ones

To tell you honestly, I am not always been the goody two shoes and zealous to God.  I am imperfect for I am a sinner too.  After all, only saints don’t sin.  In other words, I committed several mistakes in my life.  Probably it’s not as tremendous as others did, but it was defying my father’s rules.  If he’s here, knowing him very well, surely I’d already broke his heart.  Then, my disobedience attracted me to darkness and being there is only temporary fun and thrill.  For when the party was over, I drowned myself with my tears and ignoring the fact that God created me a beautiful and special woman.  

I am human too.  I am no different than other women.  Thus, whatever their needs are, I feel same way too. My thoughts will go abstract and out of control, playing funny scenes.  So, for each episodes, I vow down and pray.  

I’m not denying the fact that I am lonely, needing a human blanket.  Yet, I don’t know how to let the flame ablaze because when now that I am willing, no one is there.  So, don’t blame me if I go on hiding and keeping the wild ones to myself.  

Whether we like it or not and whether it’s what we want or not, no one can beat God’s plans.  I’m preparing for tomorrow’s session and met these amazing women from the Holy Bible.  They were Elizabeth and Mary who were both pregnant in the gospel of Luke.  Both of them experienced God’s miracles.  Elizabeth despite her old age was expecting a child.  On the other hand, Mary who was a young virgin was expecting a child too.  See, if it’s God’s will, age is just mainly a number and a variable!

I prayed everyday for my longings.  He replied, ‘trust your heart’.  I am not running away this time.  I am not scared anymore.  How about you? Keep on believing with what you think and escape in your dreams.  Trust me, we are no different from one another.  Both of us are the same, even we originated from different time and space.  You and I, we are the wild ones! 

Will You Fall from Grace?

Father, I always wonder why there are people who at times misunderstood my purpose? I already accepted the loudness of my voice.  Why can’t others do too?  Should I keep quiet when it’s all about the call of duty?  The truth of the matter is I am insulted every time but I just shake it off because I know for the fact that I mean no harm.

Somebody I used to know from not long ago, told me there was nothing wrong with how I sounded.  Those were the times, when that person put efforts to talk and talk.  Yet, when a chapter ends, take a step to a world whereby there are people who see and only kind to those who are visually acceptable in their standards.  Should I feel bad and hate them?  Should I fall from grace?

Nope, I am not like them.  I don’t care if I am not in their criteria.  What’s the big deal?  I will still prepare what to wear the next day and look good for myself.  It doesn’t matter if others will notice me, as long as I’m happy with what I’m wearing.  I’m comfortable of walking in my skin and no matter how mean they can be, my confidence won’t be subtracted.  It’s not a question of body size, age and nationality.  But, a matter of attitude and how you handle yourself.  
Whatever you do and no matter how you do it, there are always people who’ll criticise and judge you. If people will bring you down and won’t like you, will you fall from grace? No, no, never! I always be who I am.  I will do my best in all I do.  I sing and dance even I don’t know how and I will never be good with any.  I’ll revive my deleted animation channel.  I’ll keep on drawing and learn more skills like baking… I won’t let the ways of the world take away my faith and dreams.  Whatever the millennials will say, what is right is always right.  It can never be wrong.  One day, I’ll be heard and people will actually read this.

Will I fall from grace because of some mean and selective people? Nope, I kill them with kindness.  If there words are getting into my nerves, (at times I’ll get mad a little) I’ll listen to BTS or Got7 and count 1 to 10 until I composed myself.  I can’t dwell on hate.  Life is always beautiful.  I am fun to be with and I still have my humour.  Too bad, it’s all about the loudness when in fact I make sense…

‘Kill ’em with Kindness’ by Selena Gomez

Don’t Wake the Sleeping Dragon

It was only a legend, some old folktales
It was told, her father was the greatest slayer
A bravery known by so many men
There was one unforgettable battle
He slayed an expectant mother
The dragon’s last angry words
“My kind will never be extinct
My son will unknowingly dwell
In the heart of your most beloved
Be warned not to make her weep
The sleeping dragon will rise!”
Her words gave chills into his spine

To the little angel on his arms
He avowed to her a joyful world
A wonderful place with no bitterness 
Before his last breath, he said
“My sweet baby angel, never allow
Sadness to dominate your heart
The pain will pass, be happy always!”

She’s a friendly, kind and jolly girl
Yet, there were witches out there
They took away everything from her
But, she never gave up on hope,
A bright tomorrow of laughter

However, the worst has to come
Abused innocence and kindness
She only wished to purely love
Feelings were taken for granted
And so her wrath was so high
The flames came out of nowhere
A big sounding roar was heard
The dragon within was awakened
And so bloodshed was on the land

The miracle of love put out
The fire of her burning rage
The dragon within is asleep once more
Be warned don’t make her a fool again
If you are not true, go away!
Don’t wake the sleeping dragon
For her fury will be its strength
Stop all the lies & sarcasms
If she’ll keep on crying to bed
The dragon might hear her sorrows
It will escape again and you’ll be sorry!

Published last 19 Oct 2012


by Evanescence “My Immortal”

The Archangels and Me

Today is the feast day of the archangels.  Who are they and what do I know about them?  First, St Michael for me is the valiant one for he defeated Lucifer.  Secondly, St Gabriel for me is the messenger for he announced to Mary and Joseph the birth of Jesus; and told Zachariah the birth of John.  Lastly, St Raphael for me is not only the healer but also the matchmaker who led Tobias to Sarah.  

Who are the archangels to me in my situation at this point?  St Michael is for courage.  St Gabriel is to proclaim the truth.  St Raphael  is to lead the way. 

St Michael make us valiant 

At times, we’re frightened 

Scared to death of rejections

Afraid that our hearts are wrong

St Gabriel speak in our dreams

Tell us everything will be fine

We can’t runaway from God’s plan

It’s time, let His will be done…

St Raphael lead us the path

Help us heal our brokenness 

Whatever paths we’ll take

Guide us to where we belong 

St Michael lend us your strength 

St Gabriel tell us the Divine’s will

St Raphael take away the demons

Almighty Father, Your we’ll be done!

“It might be series of dreams but the voices might be St Gabriel’s.  It was unexplainable, but I saw someone calling me when I had my accident and I was awakened for he called my name.  Then, during the lowest points of my life, St Michael cheered me not to fall in the pit of hell.  I wouldn’t be here.  I was hesitant to give it a try for I was rejected then.  But, I am where I am now thanks to St Raphael.  Thanks to my archangels.  If it’s not too much to ask, another favour again.  Thanks in advance.  This time, I’m ready!!!”

Don’t Sleep!!!!

Secrets in the shadow   

Grandmother’s tales

Beware of the silence

Open your eyes wide

Fight the sleepiness 

For when darkness comes

Know the unknown

Jump into your feet

Fantasy to nightmare

Screaming into your ears

The sound of your name

Sinking to nothingness

Redeem your dignity 

Don’t give in with the breeze

Stay awake, don’t sleep!

The Fragrance of the Blossom

She hid somewhere and wept.  Of course, no one bothered where she was gone for a long time.   As if, she never existed at all.  While the tears flowing from her cheeks, she remembered how beautiful the sun was shining and the scent of the sweetness in the morning was her delight.  Yet, she was in the room where her worth was like the machine, must work as she was told.  Her heart was exhausted for always being left out and unseen.

“Take out Mama’s curse, Papa!” she whispered to the blank space pretending her father was there like he used to when he was alive.  How could her mother possibly do that? She had the approvals and admiration of her friends’ parents.  On the other hand, it was quick for her mother to bring her down and judged her negatively that stained the reputation she established in the community.  Why her mother must say and do such things?  Why she needed to suffer the consequences of her mother’s actions.  “You know that Mama won’t feel sorry, Papa.  She’ll always blame me, won’t she?  She just had no idea how those words scarred me for life.”  They say, only mothers can find their daughters beautiful but not a single moment it happened to her.   Her mother never loved her as unconditional as her father but up to this point, she never left and chose to be a good daughter despite it all.  She never gets tired of caring, forgiving, loving and sharing to her mother and to the rest of the family.  

“You know that I never turned my back, Papa.  Even she’s not sorry and won’t admit her mistakes.”  Should she blame the events of the past for her decisions?  Perhaps, she’s tired of being just a joke.  She’s special too and she can do many things aside from praying.  “Can’t they see, Papa?” and she cried.  Again, nobody cared at all.  Welcome to the world of emoticons!

The children greeted her with their smiles and praises.  She heard those words from a lot of people but not from her mother.  Does it matter whether she appreciates her or not? Her worth is nothing but for cash.  

 Is flirting and being a hoe powerful than her prayers?  Should she throw herself to people who never see her at all and even dislike her?  How can she like any of them when they ignore her presence?  How can she care when they turn their backs and they just walk away?  How can she show interest when she doesn’t know how and it scares her to the bones?  Are God’s angels and saints no match for social media and dating sites?  Should she believe in virtual illusions too and fall prey to strangers whom she fears?  Why can’t she be seen where she is and chances be taken?  She’s not building walls, they did.  How can she talk more when she’s judged as being loud?

How can she write her fairy tale when her chances are all blur? What prince charming in her dreams look like?  Does he look like him?  She can’t recall at all because he’s not real anymore.  Somehow in the depths of her heart, she still wants to believe that this is not how her story ends. Whatever curse there was, Jesus already had saved her long time ago and the Almighty loves her more than she ever knows.

Of course, she was not deaf and she could hear the sound of a woman at the other end before the door was shut on her face.  She knew and it was expected.  After all, children can’t stand being alone.  She never believed the lies, she understood the truth.  At least this time, she kept everything hidden for she’s not repeating the same mistakes.  No more impulsiveness.  Let faith lead her the way.  All she can do is yell out the pain with closed lips.  There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.   She must put a courageous and happy face even if she’s crumbling inside.

She prayed, “Thank you, Lord, for all the blessings and the opportunities of which I can make use of my gifts to survive and serve You as well as others too.   I may be hurting but I am not quitting.  If I can’t be seen by others, I know you can see me.  I will still hold my prayers in my heart even it’s so outdated in modern days because I know that St Vincent de Paul, the rest of the saints, You and the Father Almighty can hear me and working hand-in-hand for what I deserve.  I know you made me a beautiful person like many of your creations.  Thus, Jesus, I put you in the center of my life.  Others may not appreciate that but I know Your ways can move their hearts.  I won’t get tired of praying for them.  Protect them always and keep them safe!”

The room is filled with flowers and the aroma spread around.  The fragrance of the blossom lightened her sorrow and diminished the negative thoughts that the devil planted in her heart.  So what?  She will never ever quit and never say never.  There’s always a way.  God’s way.

No one likes its scent and may toss it away.  It’s fragrance is the sweetest, just like her… that’s what they don’t know….


Happy Feast Day, St Vincent de Paul! Thank you very much for interceding for me.  Bless the SVDP community and also the children in my care.

What is Beautiful Exists in My Dreams!

Everyday is seventh heaven

Somewhere in my head we belong

The fantasy world in my slumber

A paradise where we both dwell

The waking hour is definitely harsh

I am all but for the gag and laugh

On the corridor, your mind flies

I am staring while you looked away 

When can I capture your thoughts?

When can I get the same attention?


‘Can I have someone else?’ I asked

Don’t answer me with a question 

For floating with my cloud nine

Words I can no longer and ever tell

Locked away all scars in the past

Lessons learned the hard way

No repeating same blunders


In God I trust and His will be done 

He trancends in the midst of us

Thank you Lord for my dreams!

Smiling in my sleep, my secret joy

What is beautiful exists in my dreams!

You walk in the marvellous scene

What’s next and how the story goes?

It’s mine to know, my lips are sealed

This time, you’ll never ever know…

Food for the Heart

My intuition was right, I could feel your presence.  I only looked on my phone not the other way around.  I thought that I was wrong but I am right all the time.  

What a beautiful morning indeed! It was an ordinary scene but in simplest things my heart was ecstatic.  The coincidences and unexpected made my day complete! 

Thanks for treating me well this time even the jokes are still on going.  It doesn’t matter at all.  I still appreciate the good gestures rather than the shades.  Thank you for the happiness you unintentionally shared. Some random stuff, I’m using my coloured pencils as substitute chopsticks… I remembered what was said😜😘

By the way, you left your scent and it lingered inside my heart even you were gone.  Whoever you were with after you walked out from that door, it’s yours to keep and this is mine as well.  Perhaps,  we’ll never tell…

In time…

Out of 7.5 Billion 

Beloved, I wish you well

You’re in my thoughts 

My heart cries your name

So ecstatic in your presence 

So gloomy without you

Beloved, I can kiss you better

The sheep is a wild wolf

I can do more and beyond 

In the wonderland and jungle

Day or night, does it matter?


Beloved, out of 7.5 billion 

Destiny entwined our lives

Come, take this chance with me

So dashing and good-looking 

Allow me to stare at you  forever


Beloved, don’t dash away

Hold me closer and tightly 

Listen to the music within

Let me whisper to your ears,

“I’m yours and I’ll stand by you”

Half of Yours

Oops, it wasn’t mine!

Not greedy nor gluttonous 

‘Twas given but not for me

You got yours, I had none!

You uttered a joke or a promise

You’re always kidding, aren’t you?


Indeed, you kept your word

Your not that bad after all

You shared half of yours

The tastiest chocolate ever!!!

So delicious for the heart ❤️ 

You made my day for awhile 


At the end of the day, you left

Someone is waiting somewhere 

When will you see, I’m here?

All this time, you belong with me❤️😘😍😎

Angels No Longer Exist

In the midst of doing something, I spaced out and stared at my painting for a very long time.  My ex-colleague’s words ringing into my ears.  She told me that after I finished the Western Art course, she would display my painting in the Art room.  Words of encouragements from real artists boosted my confidence in my interest.  Likewise, there was a shady backstory before that painting was completed.

All of us had our share of heartaches.  Likewise, I only fell and broke my heart and part of me was dead by that time.  Despite with what happened, I never stopped and continued on moving forward.  I was only heartbroken but I never died with its impact because I have so many reasons to live, and so I survived. 

Perhaps, gone are those days when people had all the reasons to admire or like me.  Welcome to the time of my life of which people have all the excuses not to recognise the uniqueness in me.  Still none of their words will subtract how I love myself and my confidence despite my age.  If I keep on counting,  comparing and listening what good will it bring to me?

Not a single day I am reminded of how old I am and how come I’m still waking up alone on my bed.  Were they right for stating that I am selfish? Or I’m no different from Elsa or the Snow Queen because my heart is probably all frozen too?  

On the other hand, there’s someone who crossed my mind from time to time.  I looked while he was sleeping.  After all, the reality of the matter I can’t a force anyone to see who I am and how special he can possibly be.  If he kept avoiding and won’t take chance on me, I can only remain to be who I am and won’t make the situation as my humiliation.  There are things best unknown and should remain hidden for the benefit of all.  Trust me, I am no different from others for I have feelings too.   Come on, I did false moves in the past and I already learned my lessons.  I can’t flirt because I don’t know how to do that. All my life, I’m only good with my job and I’m always 101% focused in everything I do.  

God let the angels make him see just for a little while.  He can go out and sleep with thousands of women.  I may not speak the language but I can read between the lines.  If the angels lend him their eyes,  he’ll surely behold the true woman in me.  Furthermore, whichever directions the wind blows and whoever being his eyes are set now, if it is meant to be the angels will bring him safely to the one that can bring him happiness.  

In the age of technology, people are only excited with what’s the trend like the release of the new iPhone 8.  Most of the millennials’ concerns are updating their social media status.  Where are the angels then?  St Raphael is no longer needed.  Even Cupid is now unemployed because people will sign-up at dating apps and sites to find the love of their lives.  No one will bother to see with the ones right in front their eyes who breath same air with them. 

Due to fast modernisation, people are so occupied chasing it.  As a result, there are people who believe that angels no longer exist.  For them, God is a myth and Jesus’ miracles are nothing but fictions.  There are people who no longer hold to a specific religion.  Well, I respect whatever others believe because I am not in the position to correct anyone.  Being righteous doesn’t mean being judgmental.  Whatever there is, I still hold on to my faith, which I used to almost let go.

Angels no longer exist in the rise of Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat and more.  What do others know about my favourite love stories in the bible?  No filters and standards.  No criticisms based on age and weight.  Love is mainly abstract, a divine feeling designed by God and its seed planted by the angels in the believers’ hearts. 

I don’t expect anyone to agree with me but I believed in angels when I was a child until now I still do.  

My faith used to quiver due to unavoidable circumstances but God found a way to redeem me from my downfall.  He sent His angels to save me and He’ll bring them to him whether he’s a non-believer.  God welcomes everyone.  Only people are selective but the angels they embrace everyone including the likes of him.
Again, I stared at my painting.  I remembered the praises I received from those passersby while I painted it at the location.  No one may praise it now still I can see the invisible angels God painted on it.   Always reminding me that everything will be fine.  I was heartbroken and wronged when I did that painting but I am now here always choosing what is right even if I am misjudged and even at times there’s a little pinch in my heart.

Angels exist to lead me to desires of my heart.  I don’t have to pretend again or shame myself or make others feel uncomfortable.  I care more than anyone knows.  The angels will direct him and never again break his heart with me.  May the angels heal his 💔 broken heart. All I can do is pray because I can’t make those who don’t like me… LIKE ME❤️😍😘😁

The wheel is turning, only angels can tell… we’ll never know…

“I Have a Dream” by Westlife


My angels…

Hey there!

Friday night and Saturday fever you explored it all.  Well, the energy of the youth running into your veins.  YOLO! The scream of the millennials, which I don’t disagree.  The liberty is yours, the world is vast for you to explore.  I’m truly certain that the likes of you won’t be out of fish.  It won’t surprise me if those fishes will willingly swim to your net.  Too bad I’m not a swimmer and I’m stuck in the old school.  My YOLO is expressed differently.  In stead of partying and getting wasted, I volunteered in the church. Afterwards, I go home to  do my chores, cook my meals, watch anime and pray before going to bed.  A lot of people asked me if am I lonely or bored with such routine?  Nope.  Do I seek for more when God has given me plenty.  I am easy to please and I am contented.  But, I still pray that I can be recognised with my other skills and talents.

Hey there, I am here while you’re there.  You crossed my mind from time to time.  Call me crazy but I see you everywhere. I don’t understand and I can’t explain.  I am ashamed of this.  Trust me, I am trying my best to put an end to this insanity.  Yet, do I have the power to stop the river from flowing?


Hey there, I want to be the one there sitting beside you.  God knows, I’m a big fan.  I want to be the one to call you and kiss you goodnight.  If this is not another mermaid theory, I will make you the happiest and I’ll love you forevermore.  As of now, you’re always in my prayers.

Am I certain? Can I clarify this with you?  I’d rather zip my lips because in reality you’re avoiding and ignoring me.  


May the Blessed Mother watch you tonight and keep you safe!  God bless and sweet dreams!

“Won’t say I’m in Love” Disney’s Hercules movie OST

Today…

Today….

   I woke in tears
   Tired of being ignored 
   Losing again and again 

   The uninvited guest 

   No energy to work

   Rage boiling within 


Today….

     When I knew I’m angry 

    But I really can’t 

    Avowed to be speechless 

    Engulfed with the music 

    Only children play

    Too old for this feeling 

    I know I can’t, can I?

    But, you had your ways



   

Boys are Meant for Girls

AnimalsAnimals2

Time has changed.  People everywhere are different.  Yet, one thing is certain wherever I am, I’m still being me and nothing has changed for I’m still kind to everyone regardless of who they are.  I don’t choose people nor judge others for being themselves.  Likewise, there are people who otherwise are selective regardless how great your kindness be, it is expected to be overlooked and will never ever make a count.

Perhaps, I walked out and erased those people whom cherished and valued the goodness in me.  Those were people whom I shared my smile and happy with my presence.  The ones who remembered me and once in my lifetime made me feel that I existed and did matter.  None of them ignored me in places we happened to meet; yet, acknowledged with friendly smiles, a nod and utterance of my name.  Yet, those were the ones I let go because I wouldn’t hold on to a flame that would only lost its fire in the long run.  I turned my back to those who in their ways did what they could do just for a brief hello, to be in a place that I don’t exist where I am treated like I have a contagious disease that is meant to be avoided.  Worst part, always ridiculed and mistreated.  Well, the irony indeed!

From afar, I found my art and this matter most to me.  It’s what I always wanted.  Yet, at this point of time, those who were unable to see and surely be proud of me are already gone with the wind.   I am no longer a coward now but the chances are long gone.  I can paint in many ways, digitally or manually using any medium.  Nonetheless, it took me awhile and that rendezvous is already empty for he must be home where he chose to belong.  I probably paint like he used to and I can put him in on my canvas like I always wanted.  What’s the point now? Why it took me so long to finally claim that I can do what he can do and indeed I can be his equal too?  I belonged to that place where he was.  However, that chapter ended not how many fairy tales concluded.

Here I am stuck in my reality that the people I lost are the ones that really matter.  The world won’t freeze again and the music won’t play anymore.  Thanks to the attention and respect they gave, and for liking me for being me.  No pretenses, deceptions and lies.  So, again when I’m trying to be a friend,  I received unkind words, rudeness and tactlessness.  What can I do there are people who are naturally mean and inconsiderate with what others feel?  Moreover, I can’t change what others think and who they are.  But I can only remain to be that person who’s always willing to give and be always there for others regardless of who they are.

This time is totally different from how it used to be. I still have all the reasons to smile and appreciate the beauty of the world.  God is not asleep and I seek His forgiveness for feeling upset today.   How will Jesus react? Didn’t he experience the worst?  All he did was to be there for others and the Father but he ended up being crucified to save mankind.  This situation is nothing compared to what Jesus went through.  As what I always tell my friends, I am in the situation where God knows where I belong.  God knows best!

The day will come for me.  Let boys be.  After all, boys belong to girls…. This is only the portion of my story.  Let those with eyes see and never mind those stupid boys… Did someone randomly say that ‘I look good with my new hair’?  Well, thank you Lord for sending people who can truly appreciate me.

 They Happened to be Passersby

“Only the hopefuls get hurt but the believers always win!”  

Is this world the reign of the bitches? I thought so.

The liars and pretenders get the prize. Temporarily.

Oh how foolish and what a loser most guys are!

Once upon my lifetime, I was chosen among millions 

I was picked among the sea of pretty faces

I always got the attention and charmed a few

Part of me wanted to convince myself, everything said were true

If only attractions have no expiration date

If only one just told me to stay and not prioritise my dreams

I won’t be in the circle where I am poked and unseen 

Not being avoided, ignored, ridiculed and disrespected 

Of course, I am not going to return to being a fool again 

I’d rather hide in my silence and be who I am

Faith and love are all I have to hold on to live gleefully 

If none of them can’t see the treasure in me

If all of them stick to their standards 

Then, I’m perfectly fine and I will go on to pray 

The ones who I used to know had seen the best in me

The ones who appreciated my uniqueness and skills

The ones who wanted to walk with me

Those were the ones I walked out without goodbyes

They happened to be passersby in my life 

What I had with them ended there for I needed to leave

Will one passerby choose to stay?  I know he will and he can

In God’s time, the universe will align and we’re no longer passersby 

Dare to Grasp the Thorns

rose

“But he who dares not grasp the thorn. Should never crave the rose.”-Anne Brontë

Artwork created with Microsoft Paint.  I was hungry waiting for lunch food.  While waiting, I tried doing some artwork with MS Paint since my Photoshop isn’t installed in my computer yet. At first glance, I thought what a low quality piece of art….


Who would have thought, it will come out as shown below…

If I’ll Turn Back Time, Will I Let You?

As the song goes, “I’ll never love this way again.”  We always denied it for our egos were larger than the universe. Convincing each other with our lies for the truth was our wreckage.  I didn’t mean to hurt others but due to my blindness, I indirectly did.  Was my obsession, my vengeance? Did I purposely push myself not to be me to make you feel less guilty?  Nobody knew the real story because they were not present in those pages we both scribbled.  We let time erased what was written because we made a choice.

Yet, if we can turn back time, will I open the door for you? Should I ignore your presence for ignoring people is my expertise?  Would I walk away and turn my back? Would I answer your call?  Would I join you for coffee?  Perhaps, the safest way was to escape the pain and the hell within.  Likewise, if I’m going back to that same time and place knowing you would be there, perhaps I would still do the same.

The hurt made me insecure and I felt so little of myself then.  I dealt with that humongous burden all by myself.  Then, to forget and runaway from it, I made a fool of myself.  Did I pretend to like someone I never wanted to convince myself that I already moved forward?  Self-pity and self-blame… I was in my weakest, nobody knew that I wept to sleep….

Still I’ll let it be because after all the destructions within I found God and I am even grateful for all His blessings. Despite what others say, I trust His plan for me. That hell of a pain drew me closer to heaven!  The downfall of my naivety opened my eyes to God’s reality.  The Almighty Father brought His people to save me from messing up with my life.
Yes, there are men who are blinded with what they  see and they’re bound to their standards.  Yet, my Lord sees my all and He knows I am worth having regardless of age, language, weight and belief.  People can be so judgmental, mean and very selfish.  They can unreasonably avoid me for whatever darn reasons… Well, thank you for that pain because I stood firm to who and what I am, not caring at all with what others will say.  My values are tact and I truly believe that God already placed me to where I belonged.  The ridicules will not get into my nerve this time.  Those who are in darkness are always afraid of the light.  They just don’t know the real story.  

No matter how many times I am going to revisit that scene, I would surely repeat same mistakes all over again, since because of that I was lost and God found me.  Then, independently explored what life has to offer.  Also found time in improving my skills and expanding my interests, and in the process acquainted with people who made difference in my life.

  You know who you are for our fates already written with the constellations.  No matter what roads we’ll take and no matter how many women are there, no one beats God’s plan and there’s no other woman like me. You know that very well.

As it goes…

WhatsApp Image 2017-08-14 at 7.37.04 AM

Several days in hiding, concealing fears and loneliness

Letting the world see a smile that’s crying inside

Keep on fighting when to surrender is the best choice

Always believing despite the hopelessness of the situation

Always thankful for everyday’s blessings

When deep side longing for a miracle

Always chasing a dream that seems impossible

Creating beautiful creations with my hands

Painting someone whom I can’t hold

Someone who can’t see or feel me at all

Yet, as it goes, holding on to life’s surprises

No more Mermaid theories and false hopes

The ocean is so vast to explore…

As it goes, who says you’re only breaking apart

When there’s so much to live for in uncertainties?

As it goes, life goes on no matter how the wind blows

Your Light Next to Mine

I was distracted by a Prince Charming’s smile 

But my instincts proved my dreams to be lies

I couldn’t be swayed by a gigolo’s charms

Not trading my dignity for Hercules’ abs

My God will never give me what isn’t mine

I pray with all my heart everyday

Then, in a place and in that instant

I laid my candle trusting only Him

My prayers were uttered while my heart leaped 

God whispered and there you were

Standing beside me placing your light next to mine

I Pretend ❤️😌😘

Yes, I’m a great pretender

Pretending to be the one

Under the blue moon

On the isle filled of petals

Gazing at those eyes

Twinkling like the stars

Holding my cold hands

Figuring out crossroads

Thinking of me at night

Checking me out today

Pretending that you stared

Reality check: Wake me up!

You forgot my name

Never noticed as I came

Letting me passed by

Not a single word uttered

Let’s have coffee, shall we?

You are there, I know

Then, no more pretending