Last Friday Night

cute green photos

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What an exhausting evening! When I went home, I immediately hit the bed and didn’t even noticed my sister came home. I’m not supposed to be there but something came out not right. So, I had no choice but to be there.  On the other hand, staying was worthwhile, a quick chit-chat and meeting everyone again after a long time of not seeing each other. It was quite late when I went back but it was a Friday night filled with wonderful whom some used to be part of my yesterday. So, the evening was concluded with fun and I’m glad I stayed to catch with the kids I used to know. How time flies fast!!! They’re all grown up ready to explore a new beginning for their bright future. I’m happy with how they become and I am grateful to be part of their youths once in their lifetimes.
Before I started my day’s job, I found these photos and I remembered last Friday night. Damn, I was so tired that I forgot to add this in my post last week… (AMKSS Alumni Homecoming)

All the good things and luck are bound to happen to everyone!!!

by Katy Perry ‘Last Friday Night TGIF’

Let’s Spread Good Vibes

The church celebrates ‘World Mission Sunday’ tomorrow to spread Jesús’s words and His good deeds.

So, today my kids created a booklet to list their good deeds and what they should do to share themselves to others. Let’s remember to continue Jesús’s god works by spreading joy and our blessing to others.

God is great! Always remember through loving your neighbours and even the most difficult ones, you already being Jesús to others. Don’t hold grudges and always forgive. Above all, find happiness even in most difficult situations and always find ways to smile even life is getting tough.

Beloved, I’m Always Here

Dear God,

The devil whispered from time to time that my prayers are wasted. Looking for him, well, don’t call coz she’s with her. Not picking up the calls, ignoring the messages… how can I go in? Say hello and greet the rest of the world and when it’s me, ‘I am not free. I am not available,’

Lord, I strive for goodness but I have to defend myself too. I am all alone and I have no one. What others understand about how I fight to keep what I possess and preserve my gifts.

Everyday you always remind me saying, “Beloved, I am always here and I know you’ll do the same for him. No matter how he denies and ignores you, in his heart he knows that you’re one of the kind. Even if he won’t speak out the words of praises and only point out your faults, he has my eyes too and He’s not blind of your gifts and true beauty. My beloved, you’re worthy of it all and I’m truly glad that you have self-control and forgiven the past. Whatever trivial mistakes you did, none of them defines you. I’m thankful that you are working out how to be more slow to anger. I hope that you’ll see me not only on the children but also in people around you and especially in him. He is never your enemy but a reminder with what you were like and how you treated others. He is actually the fragment of you,the piece that completes the puzzle. He may not the usual kind of man that you used to know but the truth is, you learned a lot from him and became a better you. I know that you’re still escaping but I’m glad that you carry your cross gracefully. Believe in your heart that your prayers are music to my ears. Continue for striving for goodness and remain the same because nowadays women like you are rare almost extinct. You always ask why I brought you where you are now and not in the convent. I know you love me heartily but monastery is not your home because you’re going to share it lovingly…. You asked, what’s with the second chance and another life? I know that you want to be with your Papa in heaven for you loved him the most. But, someone needs you more beyond what you don’t know. It’s the right time, you share your love to another. I know you love me very much my beloved. Yet, give it to him with all your heart without hesitations and reasons. He never hates for he can’t for what you feel is a reflection of his. If you don’t hold grudges and so does he…. If your eyes may caused your head to sin, it happened to him not only once. My beloved, your dreams and desires come from me. Don’t doubt for everything is possible in God.

Love has no limitations nor boundaries. It doesn’t compute numbers. Continue to be who you are and be strong in not giving in to your needs. I will guide both of you… it has already find a way into your hearts. For what’s authentic and real, doesn’t appear instantly and can be found anywhere. He also knows that very well. Always acknowledge his talents and skills for he is as gifted as you are.

Don’t worry my beloved, I am always here.”

Dear God,

Thank you for being there to both us. Please protect, my gorgeous wherever he is… What’s there to fear? I love my life with no buts and ifs. For now, kindly kiss him good night and tell him that I love him with all my heart. Nothing has changed. In time, he just won’t hear it but will also touch and feel it too.

It’s a great day (I’m glad that I came)

Face it! It was not helping… despite of the inconsideration, I know too well that I did beyond extra miles…

I wanted to leave early but I got stuck. How to tell my boss that I wanted to go off when they were all occupied.

I learned my lesson that direction app isn’t all reliable. When I went out from the underground pass, I saw C… what!!! I’m going to F

When I was in pit D, I wanted to head up home. But, there’s beauty of being lost. I’ve familiarised the place and explore the part of the park that I’ve never seen.

I walked for 40 mins and when I reached there, the food was almost finished.

But, I enjoyed the event. The singing and dancing were my stress relief. I sang and danced all out, not caring everyone around me. Meet new friends and I did help those cuties😘

When I was about to sleep, my friend called. No matter how I am judged, I know too well that there are people who appreciate the goodness of my heart. I don’t need affirmation coz God sees that too❣️

A good girl also wears stilettos 👠

You think that girls on high heels are like the ones in the club. One wink, they’ll over you, buy you a drink and on-the-go for a one night stand. Probably, the girls on high heels are attention-seekers with celebrity complex. Or are they pieces of trash with those heels?

Hey, guess what a good girl wears high heels too because she enjoys the style. She’s not gifted in terms of height. Thus, an inch of heels can boost her confidence. What do you know, she doesn’t go clubbing or hooking up for she’s a home buddy watching Riverdale or dancing on K-pop songs when no one is looking. She’s a heck of an old fashionista stuck on her art and books.

A good girl also wears stilettoes, going to church while saying her prayers. What’s with the shoes? She loves them since young, her little pleasure and entertainment. Does she spend it all on clothing and shoes? Of course, one thing is certain, her bank account isn’t zero balance and she invested on some properties too… And she shares her time to serve others and always willing to give generously. She doesn’t hang around on social media to show off and vanity for she loves to write instead. Well, it’s easy to judge others on what we see on them but what do we know anyway…

Unpolished Gem

We don’t know… until we’ll try… this stumbling blocks can be your stepping stones. I’ve seen them all! Here, she goes again!!!! Is she back, no wonder you disappeared for a long time? Is she back to borrow charger? I can give her $2 to buy one in Daiso… 😂

So, I got it… I noticed you kept coming back and forth to that room where she was supposed to be… Why not transfer sit there since you don’t like where you are… Were they doing the tasks I am doing??? Their job was easy…. if they were in my position, would you treat them the same? Or they capable of doing what I can? Aren’t you tired of blaming me of things I am not supposed to do? Isn’t my duty at all? Aren’t you tired of hating me or getting angry at me with those things? They are just young with pretty faces but are they perfect? Are they angels? Sometimes those who are pleasing to the eyes are the ones who can hurt you the most…. Remember, the wheel keeps on turning…

Don’t judge me so quickly, you never knew what I’ve been through… After all the criticisms, still enjoy what I am doing. Whoever they are, I am still blessed and grateful for everything I received. Besides, I don’t hold grudges like you do. I give others the benefit of the doubt and appreciate their goodness. After all, we are born to be true not to be perfect.

We are all good and whatever clouded your judgement towards me, I know you’ve seen it too. You surely witnessed how committed I am to my work and how I love the kids. For now, you’re blinded with many things and all of them, but the true gem is in me. No worries… God knows when….

Despite of that, I thank God for blessing me with amazing and wonderful friends. Thank you to all my friends for making my day and being there for me. I don’t need so many friends. I’ll forever cherished the few who are always true.

Where do I begin…

A blank page? What to draw or write?

Am I supposed to be exhausted? But there’s something happened today that enlightened my heart. Then, I found my old graphite pens…

What to draw? I am looking on a picture but with someone else in my mind. I am a bit distracted. All I could remember that little things always made a count and do matter.

I am just glad, aren’t I? I am a girl with little brain, not much of a looker and will never nominated as the darling of the crowd. I am fully aware that I am someone who is unnoticed. Early in the morning, I saw a goddess, a face that can launch a thousand ships… and it shouldn’t suprise that his ship fell head over heels with such beauty. Although I am one lowly maggot and my ordeal isn’t that handy, I still rejoice under the rain.

Yet, no sleeping for me… I am drawing a face and this is a total failure but whatever there is… I am just happy!!!

As for my art, it’s my stress relief.. but I have to practice more… I have to a lot of rooms for improvement!!! Can you guess who is this? Well, this is not some random dude but a celebrity. Nevermind, doesn’t look like him anyway. Hay, what an epic fail!

…that tension and tonight is one sleepless night…

My Gorgeous Under the Rain

Hello Franky! I am no pervert but those muscles caught my eyes. Can you manuever my ship? Wanna taste that special cola of yours!!! 🤤💪🏼

Hello Brook! The sound of your voice is music to my ears… I may be blur but from miles apart, eyes met… my bones frozen with the rain😚😎

Hello Chopper! What’s new? You’ve probably heard from all of them. Cuteness overload, this must be a ride to heaven. The cherubs sang and what that girl was doing. Was that she? Never mind, girl… whatever, the heavenly episode was mine! No spoiler in heaven, only my gorgeous angel😇😘

Hello Sanji! How are you? How many girls got a piece of you? The fortune is theirs but I’m glad of my dreams. So close and real… mine to hold and touch all night. I admit that when you went at that door. I was caught off guard with your beautiful gaze. I was secretly distracted and lost. However, the best actress trophy belonged to me because my acting deserved the Oscars😂🤣😍😉

Hello Usopp! Aren’t you the sharp shooter? How will I know? Definitely, yes! (As I frequently imagined) Hmmn… can’t wait to see how your arrow flies staight to its aim… In reality, I am the coward concealed my fears with trend….on my fashionista clothes and high heels😚☺️

Hello Zorro! Are you still mad? Don’t be, for I’ll never fear your katana. No matter how sharp are your blades… I know there’s no harm, only a masculine you. Come, let’s have sake tonight! Let’s drink while it rains… Watch out where you place your precious katana. I can keep for awhile, if you don’t mind😊😉

Hello Luffy! I miss your laughter and that boyish look on your face. I always remember the jolly you. Absolutely, you won’t quit the fight and keep on sailing to explore the world. You’re young and free! I always admire that side of you because that’s how used to be me. If given the chance, I want to do the same. Likewise, the stage is yours now, enjoy the spotlight. Listen to the applause for you deserve the praises. Remember, you’re always my sole captain… the king of the world that is exclusively ours❤️💗💖💟

Hello gorgeous! Didn’t I mention it all? I said what I have to say☺️😚😘😉😇😍 Our joy ride, coming soon… let’s see how… whatever there is, I am very happy today❤️😍😁😆

This girl’s voice is only here… feeling free to scribble coz after all no one reads and bothers….

You Are Near

I heard it loud clear with the female voice at the end of the line. Few seconds after, dashed on a scooter faster than Flash to be with her. It was holiday after all, whereby only them were celebrating for I am tied on my seat heartbroken with my tears as my company.

I had so many questions upon myself but at the end of the day, I never let my brokenness take away my focus to loiter around and leave behind my responsibilities. Work is work after all, I am not so free to disturb others during their work for hours. Thus, I had to carry my cross bravely and independently because God made me strong in my many ways.

I kept silent for many reasons and I knew what I did despite the unsaid words. I don’t want to be the Proud Mary and speak highly of myself to judge others because like most of us, I am no saint. No parading and counting my deeds because the heavens eyes are in all of us. God knew each of us too well. I don’t play the hero to turn others as my nemesis. I only keep quiet and pray for the good Lord to give me wisdom and strength to carry on despite how others misjudged me. Also I pray for others too that they may deal all the circumstances of their actions with courage and faith in the Almighty King.

Despite of what’s going on and how you are acting all this time, I know too well that you are no different from that guy who oftentimes visit to comfort and cheer me in my dreams. Whatever there is and despite the denials and and anger… you are still near and we never parted anyways.

You might not thoroughly understand where I am coming from and why I have to act this way… You just have no idea that despite the high heels and stylish clothing, I am very naive inside and no different from a thirteen year old innocent girl. What do I know anyway? The truth hurts but I am glad you found your happiness. I wanted it to be me! Let it be me, yet you’re not making it easy for me that I am scared all over again.

Hence, I am writing in my love letters unspoken words that I am longing to say. I am hiding in my writings because when I tried to be brave, you shut the doors on my face.

Happy B-day!!! Thank u very much…

It’s a celebration!!! Thank you very much. In celebration for your day, I am a good Friend for I stayed in my friend’s place after my Catechism session. I gave a treat for lunchtime and I accompanied my Friend for acupuncture and other treatment for my Friend isn’t feeling well. So, I was a good company. I stayed on from lunch and left after dinner.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be a good friend and be there for those who needed me. Happy birthday!!! I know you hear and listen to me all the time and you never failed to be there for us. I know you’ll find a way for both us same as you were there for Sarah and Tobias. It’s never a myth for you my Friend exists. You too are always there for him and I can thank you more for blessing him always. Tell him, I always deeply care and let him know it’s never a lie despite his hesitations.

I know he knows… and thank u with all my heart ❣

Feel the HEAT☀️🔥

Your so hot that I melt all the time… Hiding behind the curtains of so-called self-control! Well, me being human is weak but I have to keep my cool and let the flame burn only in my fantasies…

Give me oil in my lamp, keep it burning…

Will share your oil? Can you???

My sketch of an oil lamp… not so good!!!

I am drawn to your light. I want to get closer and dying inside to feel the heat!

My stress relief!!! Done with my oil lamp water colour painting…

I sent my love letter (for you) to Jesus

Overly joyous early in the morning, looking forward to be with the kids whom I had not seen for awhile. It was said that music can ease anxiety and stress. So, I started my day singing along with my national anthem for the past few days, the Mamma Mia 2 ost. I joyfully greeted ‘good morning’. Always ready to share a smile because that’s who I am, a woman with jolly spirit. Yet, all I received were scoldings even in such trivial matters. I shook it off because I was able to do more by creating lessons and conducting classes. My previous tough bosses and colleagues used to tell me, “no one could do things that I am doing”. Oftentimes, reminding myself that even no one appreciates and sees what I accomplished, I’ll still do my best in all I do because what I have now is a gift from God and opportunities to share my gifts to others.

Tomorrow is the feast day of St Vincent de Paul, and in the church where I am serving is celebrating it. I was thinking of writing my petition and thanksgiving. Moreover, you crossed in my head as always so I decided to pen down a love letter for you. But, since I can’t hand it personally, I am going to give it to Jesus instead. No point in writing my love letter here coz you’ll never read it anyway.

I wrote several love letters for you that I only kept in my chest. This time, I am writing one and will pass it tomorrow to Jesus. I mailed my love letter to heaven and Jesus is my postman. I am not a judge, so I am not in the position to find out how you live your life and who are the people surrounding you. Likewise, I wish you’ve known that all us are not permanent residents on earth. When our time will come, we will be judged according to our good deeds, not only in terms of looks and age. Hence, on that day when you’ll join our Creator for eternity, I count on Jesus to pass you my this love letter. My Lord will tell you that I am worth having and I am a beautiful person.

I don’t know what’s the root of all the anger, hate and indifference. All I know is I pray to you and also those individuals who are always creative in finding ways to pull me to darkness. Jesus willl surely tell you that I don’t waste my time fooling around to a number of men to decrease my loneliness and support me financially. I am not obsessive nor paranoid, I am just a wannabe artist.

Nowadays, hooking up is very quick to have. Thanks to all social media apps for our ability to connect with others is now extinct. Most of us, admire only those enhanced photos online and posts stuff for popularity and to get a lot of likes. Are we really alright with that? Will social media bring us to heaven? Surely Jesus will tell you that even I am inactive in social media, I don’t need to update my status to show off to the whole world that I care. For in my many ways, I do which you choose not to acknowledge Nor see. Jesus knew to well that I am not fond of making love but I am not closing my doors to the opportunities of doing it with the man I truly care and love.

What’s the end and start my love letters? I simply don’t know because I am still journeying and growing in faith. Listen to Jesus when he’ll say “a woman like her is my most precious gift for you and you know that too well in your heart.”

Today is the feast day of St Vincent de Paul. Free dinner and my love letter made it to Jesus!!! Too bad I was unable to see my Friend after the mass. I tried calling but no one’s picking up. I had my drawing blessed by Father Joseph Royan… It’s my good luck for her trip to Australia on Monday.

Hello, Good Morning!

Last night, the priest in his homily stated that God created Eve for Adam. He didn’t create Steve for Adam nor Ada for Eve. God doesn’t condemn sex, it’s even the most wonderful union of people who responded to God’s call to love. Likewise, nowadays, there are people whose basis of love and affection is through physical contact and sex. The truth is, it’s easy to open one’s legs and satisfy the lust. But, take note, no one survives by having sex 24 hours a day because to live is to toil for other human needs and to exist is to fight all the challenges. The reality of love, it’s not a perfect fantasy land with beautiful sweet music. It’s tough and no sex positions can resolve nor heal any broken relationships when love is overtaken by our flaws and pride. Love is a gift from God but since we’re imperfect, we make it so complicated.

Nonetheless, I woke up from a beautiful dream this morning with the super gorgeous you… I had a good sleep and I kept repeating that dream in my head that I looked at the time blurly. My boss asked what was the reason that I was late. The truth was I woke up the usual time only my brain processed and registered time wrongly. So, I did my morning routine slower with no panic and not rushing at all. In short, I was walking in my dreamy world all over again because in there: you love my gifts and my drawings, spend time with me, you listen to my praises (and you heard me when I said hey, gorgeous!) and the best part is I can hug and kiss you freely (and explore beyond our wonderlands). I wish when I’ll wake up, you are that same person in my head…

So, instead of writing my prayer to St Vincent and God this evening’s mass… I wrote a love letter for you through them. I know that you won’t bother to hear nor read my sincere words. Hopefully, God will read my old fashioned writings in your dreams. Perhaps, when your eyes are closed you can listen to those words from my heart. You can judge me in anyway you can but I will never hate nor hold grudges on you. I will still remain the same, loving everything around me and grateful with all I have. To think of it, I have the opportunities to fool around in social media and dating sites, even with actual acquaintances… Just to let you know, I entertained no one because I know what my heart wants…

Despite of you being you, I’m certain that you undeniably perceived the goodness of my heart, the beauty of my soul and my commitment in my duties and responsibilities. Not faking anything… only loving what I put on each day… yet, above everything and anything else, I love you the most!!! Kiss u in my dreams!!!! 😍😘😍😘💋💋💏

Goodbye to You My Friend

The food is simply amazing and appetising. Love my dining experience in the Crab at the Bay.

It’s a farewell dinner for a Friend who will be studying overseas. We had a Long chat and I’m still in the bus on my way home….

Goodbye for now and I can’t express how grateful I am to my Friend for the years we spent together in serving the Almighty. She will be back and we’ll definitely meet again.

The Mess in the Past

Midnight spring cleaning for the whole day I was being the couch potato queen. Look what I dug, art pieces that I did 6 years ago…

That mess I made and the unintentional hurt I caused another. I was too old to be naive but I did it anyway. It was about my selfish desire that led me to that choice and my escape goat were my artworks because no matter how I tried to runaway to another that hurt I caused always haunting me.

Every time I thought that I could, I only ended up in the shadows of yesterday. All I can do is hide in my writings… I messed up then and lost a lot. I have forgiven all the characters in that chapter of my life including myself too.

I know too well that I am a better person now. So, I have to endure because I should know better. I don’t know if I’ll get that chance but the ones in the past are merrymaking now…

And so it was not that face whom caused the mess in my past that I saw in series of dreams I had today and the past few days. All seemed so real in my head, as if everything was happening. The only thing who I wish to be true was that current face who touched me gently and explored my wonderland.

It’s time to clear my mess and throw away my more than a hundred art pieces. That girl who used to be in the past should had known better. Now, I am as bright and beautiful as I used to be before he came along. My age is never a hindrance because it is just a mere number for God. There’s nothing erroneous in my physical attributes for God created me in His likeness.

It’s time to clear and clean the mess! Change is a process but I’m taking a step one at the time to move forward. There are many blessings and gifts God showered me, which I can share to others and to benefit me too.

Someone in the present, please…. Wish you only knew, it’s no longer him, the ghost of my past who is in my dreams now… I only made more than a hundred art pieces of him but I had you in my head more than a million times… it’s like you’re embedded in every cells of my being. I hope it also occurs to you that I just don’t know how….

Honestly, I posted all my artworks of him in the past. But the only one I did for you never appeared anywhere. I am proud of that, I painted it with my heart…. likewise, I am just avoiding the additional hate… I want to make others happy not to agitate or anger them… hey, I don’t even want to be sued for harassment!!! Hay! 😔😞Lame as it may sound… those missed calls were unintentional! Besides, what will I gain from doing such…

Hey Gorgeous! Missing U❤️😍😘

Freedom day! A little vanity… once in a while feeling pretty! Lol 😂

The movie ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ is still in my head. 🤔 Hmm. Is it the flick or is there something with the name that’s haunting me?

Weak and hungry flesh ought to be fed but the soul needs more nourishment.

(Attending BCC Level 1 at Kampung Bahru in Church of Mother Theresa)

Wait… what’s the title again? 😘 😚 💋 XoXo 💋 I mean it😍❤️😘

So exhausted to write more… reached home almost midnight… my Cinderella drama without my fancy gown and glass slippers 😴

Kiss me beneath the milky twilight

A day that started with a frown ended with the glow in your eyes and the sweetest smile….

An angry morning, a mix emotions…. technically…

I should be scared and threatened with the news but as what I relayed my friend over the video call that she’s indeed my angel. It has been three years since I last spoken with her. Now, she’s teaching in Riyadh.

Finally, I am at peace and the thorn in my heart was pulled out. I know that I have more skills to share to others and for the greater glory God. So, I am free to imagine… kiss me beneath the milky twighlight… too bad it’s only in my dreams for now…

My Little Voice

Can you hear me?

I’m still very exhausted today. The medications that the doctor gave yesterday didn’t work like magic for my colds and cough didn’t go away. It was even quite embarassing when I was in the bus this morning because I kept coughing while there were paasengers asleep.

Then, I had many things to complete because I missed work yesterday. I didn’t have appetite for lunch. In my mind, I wanted pizza party like what I used to do with my previous colleagues during holiday. Really, I’m not in my happy mood because my almost flu sickness was getting into me. It was really tiring but I fought the drowsiness because work and responsibilities must come first.

I was not in the mood to sing-a-long. My body was giving up but I pushed myself to finish what I ought to do. Then, a situation brought me to the boiling point when my attention was called, which I thought wasn’t the priority for the moment. I told that was all cleared with my boss… you know that feeling that you missed lunch (no appetite) or took a break because of things needed to be done…. All they see was what I failed to do! How about what I accompished for the day????

Little voice are you heard? I may not talking that much, work was on my mind. If no one cares, I should take care of myself. I didn’t see what was the big deal or what was the issue! I am not feeling well but I went on with my work… I may indicated what I ought to do for the day but what people knew with the extra stuff and call I am doing….

Little voice, please speak out!!! I kept quiet not because I didn’t feel like talking (my throat is really itchy) or I am not in the mood. I just had so many things at hand plus the illness inside cause me to feel uneasy.

People can judge me all they want but my generosity reached all the way to New Zealand…. I made my friend and her children joyful with my thoughtfulness and generosity. After last week’s celebration, I went straight to buy stuff for my friend’s children and for her because I was meeting her mum who made a day stopover in SG. I had late dinner with her mum and brought her to the airport the following day.

My friend knew me too well that I am not FAKE. Thus, despite what happened I knew in my heart that it was not me who changed… some people chose to hate and not forgive… blinded with so many things… I pray to God to heal the wounds because our personal preferences don’t make us evil. However, with a good heart and clear mind we can fully see what’s real and truth.

My little voice speaks loudly in my dreams. Yes, all this time! And I am the one who is always lame. What do I know doing all this time??? I can only write, dream, imagine and fantasized…. In reality, I am quieter and lamer than a mule… Suddenly handicapped and mute… pretending to be as blind as a mouse when in the other side of me, I only see no other one…

My little voice can you come out!!!! You want to hear the echo of his voice saying good night and touch those tender lips…. just like in dreams, only in my dreams, something I only imagine…

Little voice, why can’t he hear? I hope the angels and Saints I pray every night will speak in my behalf.

I remembered how he spoke with her after taking her photo exclusively… it couldn’t be me because I knew too well how my table was purposedly skipped…

The Outsider of the Circle

Oops! This boring girl fails again and again in art but it doesn’t stop me from trying. My teacher used to tell me, talents are ought to be shared and don’t keep to yourself. Similarly to this core within that is crushed repeatedly, as in from time to time.SVDP upcoming feast day’s theme is love one another as God loves us. It is stated by God and Jesus as well, love is ought to be shared. What is real and true is oftentimes overlooked by human eyes. But God isn’t human, He sees everybody’s deeds and will never ever ignore His children.

To be human is filled with all negative feelings and attitudes… but are we happy clinging into these and also including our prides. Why choose hate and not see the good in everyone? Why dwell on anger or grudges when there are a million reasons to bring joy to one another? I am the out of place, the outsider of the circle. No matter how others will judge me, I know too well in my heart that I work for the glory of God.

Thank you Lord for all your gifts and I give back by doing my best and serving you. Others may only choose to see my mistakes and imperfections. It’s fine with me because I know somewhere that hard core hearts of theirs also perceive that I am the best and beautiful in my ways despite my failed artworks.

Lord, I am weak most of the times. So, I am indeed thankful for sending me good people who hear my voice, see my funny side and know too well how wonderful and good is my heart. At the end of the day, it is not society’s standards that matter but as Papa said, ‘it’s the heart that matters and goodness triumphs not only in fairy tales’. Remember ‘ Beauty and the Beast’, this tale is indeed as old as time but when somebody bends… ABBA’s tune will play, ‘Andante, Andante’…. sing along then… you know too well what I mean😘😍😘😇

A Fool’s False Hope

There were two movie tickets on sale. I gave it a thought for a long time, maybe it will do the trick. To book or not to book, I did but I canceled it for I definitely will not have the courage to ask. If I will, what’s the use when I already memorized the response.

It was all a lie and my father played along. What am I to anyone? I only provide for it is a must in this sickening culture. I know a lot of selfish people and they’re perfectly joyous even they aren’t that obedient to God. Welcome to the reality whereby being good isn’t good enough. I wanted to remember those lines that I have forgotten, if only they were true. I wrote to an ex-colleague stating, “I miss me”. I miss everything with how I used to be, sociable, funny, chatty, generous, always happy and optimistic.

Remember? I did hope in that minute you came into my life. How long it has been? More than half of a decade already passed when that darkness you brought to me still consumed my whole being. What was the last movie? It was One Piece’s Z that turned into X. Was I happy? Yes, I made you believe that I was, even I am actually shattering inside. You thought it was all I wanted. Nope, I purposedly made a fool of myself for it pleased you and made us less guilty. So the more there was you, the closer I was drawn towards my purgatory and slowly I lost my voice and courage. I shouldn’t listen to your stupid advice and my overly confident self for I wouldn’t be here today but I would be there where someone I used to know would surely find me again. At that moment I left, all my stupid feelings were nothing but my imagination and something I put into writings. And so, from there on my love letters were mine to read and meant not to be sent.

So, my world was crashing in front of me. It was my choice for allowing you to wreck my life. One by one, I let everyone and everything slipped into my fingers because it was all about you. I lost the job, which I considered home. Only to realise that those people I let go because of you were the best ones that I could have. Yet, I made that decision which I have to suffer until now.

Was it for real? Nope, I am your escape from your reality and you existed to make a fool in me. So, every time I felt that I can start all over again, I only returned to the darkness and sadness you bestowed upon me. I was told several times that I am worth having and the best partner material. You knew that well too; however, you chose what was convenient, expected and practical. The heart never mattered and it became muted until this time.

I looked at those movie tickets again and again. All I did never made a count to you so it is expected to be the same as for everyone else. So, I have to live in my father’s lies and carry on forgetting who and how I used to be before there was you.

Guess what I am painting again and this time round, I can do digital! You told me to study art but you never appreciated my artworks. Hey, thanks to you I got A! But, the one who always failed in the tests made a perfect score on you.

Bye, bye movie tickets. I am too old now.

Into that way to find u again…

From 7.50 am to 1.45pm, I was talking straight with only 30 mins break. I didn’t have the chance to stay in the office or listen to my songs. I was moving from one room to another. I joked at my friends that it was like me having another drama moment. Today, the kids were not my little darling angels for they gave me a rough day. My colleague warned me about one of them, surprisingly the boy was cooperative and respectful to me. Yet, he did melt down when another colleague came in.

Well, the almost non-stop talking exhausted me, I slept the long trip going home. When I reached my place, I didn’t grab anything for dinner. Immediately I jumped into my bed and dozed off.

My body was probably tired that I drifted into a real-like scene in my head. It seemed an authentic happening that I saw everything vividly and I was even the active participant. The cry of the flesh called out in me, looking for someone to scratch the itch. I dressed myself by putting on my sleeveless, body hugging and above the knee black dress without inner clothing on. I passed through the window and then an elderly female stranger warned me to be careful. I continued walking looking for a man to do it for me. Really? Me? Hard to believe it was me or something I would deliberately do in my walking life. Despite that I was barely wearing anything, I failed to captivate the male species. (Even in my own fantasy world, I am such a failure in getting men despite the almost naked efforts).

The episode went on whereby I followed a strange animal, which led me to a narrow way to a place that looked like a brothel that I’d probably seen in movies or documentaries. Out of nowhere an Asian matured looking woman invited me to go in, I was terribly feeling it that I thought that I would get at last. However, the lady explained to me that I was there for rediscovering myself and spent a moment with the Creator. I was also told that the men were separated in the upper level, I saw each one going up through the stairs. As I meditated with my group, my itch turned into fear that I stood on my feet to find a place to hid. I ran to a room where a lady’s corpse was lying covered with cobwebs. I was scared and ran at the next door. I opened the room where the men were meditating, I saw them lying down with their eyes closed. As I stayed in the room, their numbers kept on growing, some were familiar but most of them where strangers to me. I forgot what I initially felt but I yelled for one name in particular. I shouted for his name and none of them woke up. A voice whispered, ‘you know who you want to save’. I didn’t see his face but I grabbed his hand lovingly while whispering his name and those unuttered sentences I kept to myself all this time. Then, that world dissolved and I found myself out of there. Gosh, I was not half naked for I still had the clothes I wore for work on.

I am no dream expert like my fave Bible character, Joseph the dreamer. Was it my inner me feeling such or I was being human to feel such was normal? Should I be concerned for someone who was skeptical on me and probably have the time of his life now (it’s TGIF anyway)? Obviously, he would never need me saving him for he wanted to be with everyone except me. I was always been truthful and real all this time even from the start, and now I gave the space and respect that person needed. I am not keeping the arm’s length for I’m old enough to understand and let things be. I am always be me and may that person find within that beauty is indeed skin deep. May God tell him that the one he hated the most (which happened to be me) is a wondeful creation and he just didn’t have any hint with what’s in front of him until he sees with his heart. As for now, all I can do is pray and lift everything up to heavens because whatever high tech gadgets or branded things are there, my Lord God is the most powerful above all.

You should have heard the whisper of my voiceless heart.

What’s on My Blank Page?

Will I ever make this right? How will this turn out? Well, may my skills be the tool to spread God’s love and message. May the tiny mustard seed grow in the hearts of the children of the future, and as they grow older may their faith will flourish like the mustard tree. I don’t know how my two artworks will turn out but one thing for sure, my blank page won’t be empty anymore. It will be filled with people whom hate me the most and those who cherished me.

What’s on my blank page? Well, it’s a combination of assorted shades of sorrow and joy. Life may be crooked at times but I always have the choice to be happy and do what I want.

The so many hows and whys

I’m overly dramatic and for some drama is overrated but somehow there are lessons and emotions it brought in my life that I learned and toughened me. Every tears is the cream that heal the wounds in the past, just let everything be and pick up myself from shattering into pieces. ‘Keep the composture!’ and so I was told. You know what’s wrong with so many people, they act tough by not shedding any tears only to find themselves badly broken inside until their mental heath is totally damaged and affected. Let’s face it, life is challenging and there are several times when we just despise it even we are doing the things we want.

You just have no idea how many of those unsent letters I kept. A lot of people told me to do this and that. Indeed, it’s easy to some but not for me. Do you know that there are days when I lay awake at night thinking that I’m running my hand unto your hair? Trust me, I just couldn’t say it or act accordingly. How? I really don’t know how—

How do you end up to be how you are currently? How can I say, hey I want to hang out with you? Do you think I don’t want to do the things you like? I want to be out in other days too and talk about not work-related stuff. How to say the things I want to say when you give that blank look and you are not listening after all? How someone like me ended to be boring inside the unlit room? How to win you when all you do is hating me? Stop being feisty! I miss that school boy look on you, the wackiness and goofiness. What spirit has possessed you? Why look so wrecked when you are the type who has the time of your life?

I am one crazy old lady! All I want is to have lengthy talk with you. Do you remember that day when we spoke for a long time? I said that I’d paint that photo and I kept my word, six months after. How many times when I wanted to be closer and tell you how your new haircut looks good on you (as always)? What can I do when my writings have no voice and all I imagine I can’t put into actions? I may be confident with all my dressing up but I am nothing but a chicken. I am one budget fashionista who wears high heels with no social media life who can’t even hug and kiss that one guy I only fancy. You never paid attention on what I was doing—

Why can’t I switch to be that party girl again, the I-don’t-care-girl? My fifteen year old self, never foretold that where I am now being all by myself could possibly happen. I was never ignored nor the wallpaper, I am always surrounded with people and a lot wanted to be with me. I probably hurt a lot people in my past. Gosh, unknowingly!!!

How can I let the seed of love that God planted in me to grow and flourish? I know too well that I can it handle it with tender loving and care. You should have seen how I look at you every time but all you do was not seeing me at all. Why can’t you give me some courage instead of shutting me away or cutting me off? I know too well that I am way so much older. Yet, the truth of the matter is, I have little experience and always the noob.

Dear gorgeous you, don’t make this tough on me. How can I tell you that I am no joke and I am for real all this time? Why can’t you just see when I am just in front of you for it’s only you my eyes see all this time? Why can’t you let me be? Make me brave… please help me out to be not that coward anymore. I am tired out of hibernating. I wanted to be out in the open too. I wanted to experience too…. when I gave you a ring, I really wanted to talk but as always I chickened and lied about it the next day—

Teach me how to kiss you… not only in my dreams and fantasies… please…pretty please… pretty, pretty please…

I am No Jezebel!

For the past few days, the indifference was eating the light in me and chewing my joy and confidence away. I asked myself, ‘Am I really bad? Are all of these pretenses? What worst thing that could I have done to deserve all sorts of shades?’

God knows, I wanted to do more & beyond and also reach out. However, I am pushed and ignored all over and over again. This cycle will halt with God’s wisdom and grace upon you.

Last night, after the mass for the Feast Day of the Assumption, I met an elderly friend in the church. I was supposed to walk her home but someone offered us a ride to her place. I gave her company for awhile. I indirectly relayed to her my self-doubt. She mentioned about Jezebel that ignited my curiosity and before I headed home she said in her prayers that I am a beautiful daughter of God. Am I? Of course, I am!!! Despite your negativities toward me, I am definitely sure you also perceived that it is the fact and the truth.

Rest assured that I am not another Jezebel. I wanted to bring merriment and tranquility, somehow you created a thick invisible wall that even my guardian angel couldn’t break. So instead of destroying the blockages, I am sending you my angel to give you delight and protection each passing day. After all what happened, I surrendered myself into prayers. Then, in tge stillness of my soul, I sought apologies to all those men who I rejected, ditched and insulted in my past. I am not a butch… Of course, I like men and I even currently fancy one in particular🤐 You know who😅😂

My problem was and is, I don’t know anything about love… how to act or react… So, I ended up putting everything into writing. In the presenf day, I haven’t outgrown such… However, after all the drama, there’s something good that came out in me because I chose to be the greater person following Jesus’ example in last Monday’s gospel (it was one difficult gospel reading to interpret and comprehend)… not instantly… taking baby steps…. one step at a time. Well, this take a lot of courage to do and tons of humility plus a hundred-fold of prayers.

For sure, you know by now that none of me is fake despite my flaws. I am just naturally lame and careless…. and 101% blur and unsure! Let it be and don’t hesitate for I am not the one whom you should despised because I am not another Jezebel😘😍😇😉

Who is Jezebel?

Jezebel was a Phoenician princess, later the wife of King Ahab of Israel.

Several years later, Ahab died in a battle against the Syrians, and a man named Jehu was promised the crown if he killed Jezebel’s son, thus taking Jezebel’s power. As the story goes, Jehu made his way Jezebel’s palace to murder her, and she, expecting him, applied make-up and dressed herself in finery. Her actions have been interpreted in a variety of ways—some people believe she was simply dressing for a dignified death. Others believe she was “painting” herself in hopes of seducing Jehu and becoming his mistress. In the end, she was thrown out of her bedroom window, trampled by horses and eaten by dogs.

Jezebel’s name has been used for thousands of years to describe cunning, ruthless and reprehensible women. Some believe she typifies evil and her name has also become synonymous with idolaters, prostitutes and sorcerers.

Tonight is the Night with the Holy Ghost

I didn’t ask for vision nor prophecy. I just lift up to Him my emptiness and tiredness. All I wanted was to rest because no matter what I did and had done, everything seemed wrong, unappreciated and not acknowledged.
I found myself in the dark cave and as I went in, I was unafraid because slowly a ray of light brightened the whole area. I couldn’t see anyone but felt the assurance in my heart that God heard my prayers and would grant my desires. Then, it crossed my mind that everything is possible in God.
As I prayed in uncertainties, I held on my rosary. Then, I visualised my father on the stage smiling at me with great joy. My Papa didn’t say a word while holding two babies on both arms. I didn’t call out for him nor asked anything, all I knew that his presence brought too much happiness that it felt warmth and good in my troubled heart. I was like my young self again, always filled with brightness and clarity in mind, heart and soul.
I will not question what I saw and felt. I will never doubt the God whom I believe. Let His will be done!

CLP and the gifts of the Holy Spirit!

Death of the Songs

I had my faults of which I was unaware

God knew, I sought for pardon & apologies

Sorry that my sorry wasn’t good enough

The truth should be relayed immediately

Was it fair to passed it to others first

Should I be the last person to know?

I should forced it to be revealed then

Yet, “nonsense and leave me alone!”

Were the harsh replies plus spiteful look

Still I kept no grudges and hatred within

I went on doing all my best for everyone

The ill-criticisms and rage hurt badly

All my frustrations and anger in tears

How could I speak what I really mean

When all ears were closed and shut down

And my voice was ignored and unheard?

Thus, walking into a room, the outcast

I am the child of God surely despised!!!

Yet, each day and night I pray to Heavens

Protect and guide the ones around me

Choosing forgiveness and kindness

Always ready to share and cheer others

Be genuine and always true to myself

No hidden agenda and evil intentions

I don’t want to lose my high spirits

I want to keep my humour and smiles

Always optimistic and loving life

The music won’t be played anymore

Gone my stress-relief… the death of the songs!

Hope love triumphs above everything else

You should have seen the light in me

I mean no harm and I am not the enemy

Let’s bring out the best in each other

Rather than dragging us to hollow ground

Let’s give sight in our gentle loving hearts

Listen to our voices not in silence anymore

We are both great, good and special people

Bound to achieve and gain more blessings

Together sing-along, reviving the dead songs

Let our music be heard up into the sky

Let the next generation, hum our songs

What do we know? Let God be God!!!

Whatever there is, please forgive me🙏🏻

I pray that you’ll see my sincerity and humility

I am always wrong but I am not bad at all!!!

I miss your smile and cheerfulness

God knows that I miss how you used to be!

If only you said something and let me know

Do you think I’ll walk away and care less?

Always here…ready to reach out and be there❤️

Ten-Years of Heroes, Ten-Years a Fan

A fan so ecstatic… just like a dream! Two years ago, a friend invited me to watch the Marvel Studios exhibit. Sadly, I was unable to do so—

But this time.. I didn’t miss it! A dream come true!!! Hay!! Feel likes heaven!!!

Thanks to my cousin for the excellent and absolutely professional photos and accompanying me for my childishness😂 What do u know, I’m stuck in my Neverland😃😂😂😂 (I am not well but no choice needed to go because I bought my ticket on sale. So, changing of timing isn’t allowed)

Marvel Studios Exhibition @ Arts and Science Centre, Marina Bay

The Flight and Fight of a Survivor

More than a decade ago, after my father passed away, I still pursued my goal of studying as a teacher even if I already had my degree in Engineering. I am not employed for a regular job, only part-time basis as a private tutor to support my studies. I remembered every time I would go to my students’ houses, I would dreamily wish that one day I am going somewhere and earned more. Rainy days were worst because at the sidewalk, I am soaked from the splatters of the cars and flooded streets. However, my tutees became my borrowed family and even I didn’t see or speak with them for a long time, I can still feel the care and love.

Least as I expected, being the victim of bullying in the workplace didn’t end up in tragedy but opened a window of opportunity for me. Jesus was right when he said in Luke 18:14 “…those who exalt themselves will be humbled and those who humbled themselves will be exalted.”

Yet, a wish comes true has its consequences. I had to leave those people who valued me the most. The party was suddenly put to an end, no more bar hopping and fun drinking. Those butterflies whom I almost had, left me for good or I disappeared from their lives. Moreover, if they’d seen me today, they’ll surely tell me that time is unable to rob my high heels and being a fashionista away! On the other hand, it’s true that I am all by myself and don’t have anyone to defend or protect me. I am on my own. Then, at that moment I desire the cry of the flesh and my heart, no one is there. So, I surrender my aches, itchiness and sinfulness to God.

I am all by myself but I am not alone because God is with me. The closer I wanted to be with the Almighty, the tougher it becomes. Work isn’t easy for me these few days, taking away my laughter and joy. My hard work and commitment are certainly unseen and unappreciated. No one bothers if I have executed or did my job very well for they only perceive my errors. It pains me each day thinking how it is possible for someone to hate me to the core and treat me like an outcast or a stranger in the room. What does this person know about how the indiferrence killing me each day? He has a perfect and carefree life surrounded by plenty of friends and hot babes. What’s the crap with the ego thing? Did he even realise how tough and stressful that day was for me to substitute others and to do instant lessons? I am being dillusional to believe that being in a team is to be with people who care and ready to support. The person who is always late and not around is the one more favoured. I don’t understand where all the hate and dislikes are rooted for all I feel is being pushed away and ignored all the time. The ill-treatment makes me unhappy and cry each moment. For the first time in my life, I forced myself each day to rise because it’s all about the money for the flame of passion is slowly vanishing. The meaning of my labour is gone, its essential is only the compensation. Truly, it is my sole regret not to return to my previous working place where I am free to be me, laugh aloud and I am not anyone’s shadow.

Several times, I asked God why He let me survive that vehicular accident. I was told that I am so lucky for my father was my angel who saved me on that tragic day. If that was the case, my father must be very selfish! He let me live to die each day and to assume his responsibilities. Do I have to pay what I don’t owe? Do I save to waste for others’ burden and mistakes? Am I born to rescue my siblings? How about me? The most beautiful thing, I remembered during that accident was a dream of a man who called me by my real name (no one by that time called me by my name). When I woke up, I cheerfully told my sister that one day I would find that man. It gave me a foolish hope for someone there. Aftermath of the accident, I kept dreaming of that unfamiliar masculine voice belonging not to anyone I used to know.

And so when my wish came true, my dream faded. There’s no one there whom I can show that I am capable of doing anything and everything for love. Nowadays, I am only hated, ignored and rejected. Despite my prayers and good intentions, I am only seen and judged by my flaws and shortcomings. I am the one who is always pushed down, not lifted higher nor praised. The struggle is real but I have to survive because God has showered me wonderful things and plenty of blessings. Even it’s killing me softly everyday, I still look up at Heavens to say thank you for God made me strong and beautiful person. The world is not out of stock of physically attractive young women, still I am never less to any because I am one of a kind for God created me unique and special.

I never give up on anyone for I respect the space and preference. But, do I deserve the anger and outrage? If you only let me in, I could have hugged and kissed you to ease the madness and minimise the pride. Baby, I am yours!

By Jason Mraz “I’m Yours”


3 things I learned today: 1) I am the meanest, 2) Me and my ego, and 3) We can all be lonely

How long it has been? Fate has its way of bringing people together. It felt like centuries since I saw my cousin and his first question was why I didn’t show up on his special day. My response was with all honesty stating that because I am the meanest. It was all the me-drama and my ego was larger than the Pacific Ocean. Yet, God has His ways of telling me that there are people who needed me and no matter what I will do, I can never be all by myself. I had a long Friday night and unplanned dinner outside with my cousin. After attending mass, I bumped at him near the train station. We looked for a place to dine. Then, we talked for more than two hours… a lot of catching up to do. We concluded to pursue our interests in photography. He shared with me that he has a new camera and there are photography competitions that he wanted to join. I shared with him about the photography I used to be active with and the Lunar eclipse later.

The past is forgiven and the blame was on me. Thank you Lord for today.

As You Like It

Indeed, it’s a tough life! I am left with no choice but to work hard to pay the big dues that I never spent and to be supportive to other’s dreams and forget mine. Yet, while toiling, I am unseen nor appreciated. All I wanted was to be efficient, relevant, helpful and functional; and I wanted to be in a happy environment. Nonetheless, no matter how I tried I am always despised and casted away. My good deeds are not remembered and all my efforts never made a count. I just kept quiet reminding myself to be a good person even if no one is on my side.

The door was shut on my face… I dreamed of the day to touch his hand only to be slapped by my waking time. I don’t pray every night to be hated and be treated badly. There are so many people who failed to do their tasks but they received the good treatment and all the praises. I regretted why I never accepted my previous boss’ offer when the pay was higher and it was nearer. The place where I am not discriminated only accepted, and where I am on my own, not anyone’s shadow.

All I received is the tremendous hate while I still try my best to do beyond extra miles. The praises and acknowledgements are all but beautiful memories of people who truly seen my commitment, dedication and sincerity. I hope it makes others joyful and they can sleep peacefully knowing others are hurting….

Everyday I don’t want to come to where I am expected and I am always scared….

I am a Wall Flower

Everyone is waltzing and merrymaking while I was standing all by myself recalling those pretty girls captured by his lens.

All he had was his rage and ego. Yet, it never occurred to him what really happened that day. Did he ever experience to be unprepared for the day? I received a message that my colleague wouldn’t be around and I needed to cover for her. Yet, what was disappointing that there was a new lesson but nothing was given. At that point, I felt like a soldier going to a battle with a weapon. My fear drove me to be alone and it was the issue that I had to face all by myself. I needed my loud music to relax and calm my anxiety.

I decided to all by myself. Worst of all, I had to be in a class with 60 kids. First time ever! I overlooked something else! Sorry class had to come!!! Stressful day!!!

Yet, how people only remembered my flaws but no my good deeds? Why count what I failed to do? Does my mistakes make me evil that can overshadow the kindness and smile my heart??

I’ve seen it all

I told Genevieve today. “You’ve seen every photo. Behold! They are young, slim and pretty! Look at you, you’re too old, fat, dark and short. No wonder he despised and can’t see you. Wake up it obvious, that’s the girl he is into… the photos tell it all!”

Genevieve didn’t cry even if she wasn’t feeling well today. She said, “Age doesn’t matter and God makes no mistakes. There’s nothing wrong with me and I know within me that I am worthy. I am a servant of God and I am blessed. I pray that my goodness will be seen and I am forgiven. I don’t have to compare myself to her because I am unique in my ways. To think about it, didn’t I let go with all of them? I will never feel less because of my age, height and weight for I embrace and accept my true self and skin. Who knows I can love and serve the best? I can bring him to heaven…”

Genevieve is right. No one can judge us or bring us down for God created all of us special.

If Only I Can Take Care of You

The weather was really bad yesterday.  It kept on raining but I was having a good nap for I felt terrible because the internet connection was so slow and I couldn’t load Natsu and Gray.  My sister and cousin complained that they were really bored and it felt that Lent season was not over.  Likewise, I felt down because there was no space for my TV and iPhone dock in our room.  I am desperate of watching Natsu and Gray on  the big screen!

When night-time came, I left a good night message for you.  I was thinking you were out enjoying a drink with your friends.  Likewise, my thoughts were wrong.  It never occurred to me that while I was dreaming of you in the afternoon you were out in the rain doing your job.  Don’t blame me, you always give me the impression that you’re an easy-go-lucky guy.  I’m alright with it because that’s how you deal with your life and there’s nothing wrong with it.

Just now, you shared to me that you were not feeling well and you had a terrible Saturday because the weather was so unkind.   If only I could fly now, I would have done it.  Hoping, I can borrow Nightcrawler’s ability to teleport, I would have been in your side right now.  Don’t make me worry about you.  There’s nothing I can do but be stuck in my room, praying to God that you will be just fine.  Please, don’t be sick because I won’t be there to take care of you.

If only I can take care of you

Can I bring you dozen of roses?

Will a box of chocolates alright?

Will my kisses be just fine?

Is it okay if I hold you so tight?

If you don’t mind, I’ll do your dishes

Rest on my lap while I touch your head

My massage will get rid of the aches

Oh, God! Hope you’re really fine…

I’m so worried, I have to make this post

Published on: 15 April 2012 @15:32

The Deception Curse by the Raggedy Doll

“Anubis, unlock the door of the underworld

Bring along that wicked boy named Little Johnny

In hell where he deserves and he’ll burn to the bones

That bastard is expert in crafting the art of lying

Born without a heart and quick in deceiving kids 

Little Jane, how it fractures me seeing you so weak! 

Grab a handkerchief and wipe away all your tears

A greatest fall will happen to such ridiculous boy 

Little Jane, weep no more for I’m alright

Even if Little Johnny toss me like a trash

He cannot ruin the inner strength of my soul

Little Jane, why were you blinded with his lies?

How dare him to make a fool of your kindness?

A pretentious friend who ought to suffer more 

Is he going anywhere when he can’t reach his dreams?

I might be a Raggedy Doll but I can feel how much it hurts

Though I have no voice, my wrath is etched in my spirit

Little Jane, I can’t avenge for you and  my curse is true!”

“O, my beloved Raggedy Doll! Look at you!

My, my, what Little Johnny has done this time?

O, my Raggedy Doll, why your eyes so hollow?

I beg you not to let your angst darken your being

Little Johnny means no harm and he’s an angel

It’s untrue that he is one of Satan’s sons for he was our pal

Remember the fun and happy days when we played with him

Weren’t his colorful tales enjoyable that made us laugh?

Mama & Papa said never curse for it is a sin against God

Don’t surrender and allow yourself to be controlled by the devil

Raggedy Doll, I can clean and mend you so that you’ll heal

Little Johnny is my good friend and forever he’s special”

“My sweet Little Jane, why are you so quick in forgiving?

Little Johnny will pay the prize of being  a stupid jerk

How can he betray you and put your dignity at stake?

He must be Judas’ kin and he won’t get away with it!”

“O, my Raggedy Doll, please stop with this nonsense

I don’t desire any misfortune to befall at Little Johnny

 I pray to God that you’ll learn to forgive and forget

He’s back to an old playmate but still he’s always my friend”


Note that this poem is not all about the curse or a girl cursing someone who made her cry.  But, this is all about how anyone naturally feel or react when being directly or indirectly disappointed and failed by others.   Little Jane and the raggedy doll represent the positive and negative feelings and thoughts within every person towards someone in such unlikely situation.  In every person, unconsciously good and evil exist.  Yet, the child within us that is always forgiving, pure and understanding will always prevail.  We should not choose to live in hatred because in darkness we’ll never find true happiness.


by Philippa Hanna “Raggedy Doll”

T. Lewis and R.K. Harrison inform us:
When a curse is pronounced against any person we are not to understand this as a mere wish, however violent, that disaster should overtake the person in question, any more than we are to understand that a corresponding “blessing” conveys simply a wish that prosperity should be the lot of the person on whom the blessing is involved. A curse was considered to possess an inherent power of carrying itself into effect… Such curses [and blessings] possessed the power of self-realization. 

The Room of Shattered Dreams


Browsing for recipe online, I was determined to follow my parents’ footsteps that I could be a good cook too.  I should start somewhere, it runs in the genes after all.  If my brothers could do it, I am of no exemption.  In stead of analyzing logic gates, I tried to understand the uniqueness of every ingredient and the significant role fire played in the whole process.  With a sunny face and humor, I proclaimed to my friends, “I am ready for my soon-to-be!!!”  We laughed, I made their dining experience a happy one same I usually did with my family as I grew up.  The table wouldn’t be boring in my presence.  What??? Who??? I don’t recall that girl anymore.

Shoes here, clothes there… I wanted everything in order and I must schedule cleaning every week.  No dusty room, please!!! My place should be neat and adorned with cute stuff, which defined how creative and lively I am. Always in cheap style.  Yet, it cheered me up and gave delight to my heart.  I draw, pray, read and write for extra time.  I even produce animation for fun.  Singing is not my hobby.  I have a horrible voice and I can’t hit the notes.  What’s going on?  Where all cute stuff goes?  What’s with the mess?  OMG, pedicure and manicure missing!!!  The crib of bliss turned to be a monster’s horrifying place with that awful crying and singing sounds.

What’s with the drama?  What’s with the long face?  You forgot what Papa said??? You look beautiful because you always share a smile?  What’s with the inner torture?  You are the bravest… Stop acting like you’re a drama queen!  You’re terrible in crying…

How?  I entered the room where my existence is unknown.  I have no voice.  I heard and seen, and pretended not to know even if I understood what was going on.  The door shutted down.  I tried to be welcomed but the ring leader was disgusted of me.  My head wouldn’t function and my tasks uncompleted.  I felt the torment of being there but invisible.  I should tried hard to be liked but I am bad of faking.  They all scared most of the time but I taught myself to be comfortable.  I showed who I am, which was the biggest mistake I ever did.  The chief was pissed of me and despised my presence.  Despite all his disapproval, I cared and willing to share my love.  But, the chief was headstrong and his heart sealed.  Then, he decided to fly off somewhere to be united with a goddess, the fairest and most perfect.  The festival he planned with excitement and I am not invited. It’s alright, I understand that I am not welcome at all.

Am I the one who I used to know?  Not in that room… it is the room where I am someone whom I don’t know.   I even forgot how to talk a lot and crack a joke.  I should greet everyone, not ignore them… I did or they do…. When was the last time I smiled?   When I  taught I could learn to love again, I entered inside and found myself in the room of shattered dreams.  What is loneliness? I can’t define it before but where I am now I endure its definition.  Don’t come in to the ROOM OF SHATTERED DREAMS where I am the ugliest, undesirable, horrible and the cursed overacting drama queen….


By Green Day “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”

You Slaughtered Part of Me Today (That Boy is a Monster!!!)

I’m not crying, it is the sky outside weeping aloud

The image of truth, the hidden photograph revealed

Deceived by string of lies and romantic twine of hopes

Thanks for the joy you bring and the pain you pour

I can no longer hear the sounds of the raging thunders

I can only listen to my own, the shattered crystals within

Why you have to come and bring the daggers of truth?

I want to run to my father’s grave and feel his warm embrace


“Papa, that day I almost died,why bother saving me?

If you love me, why you let go and give me a second chance?

Papa, this another life is my hell on earth for everybody lies

It was only your illusion and false promise about someone

If my migraine is deadly, I don’t mind for I want to see you soon

Papa, I tried opening my door, only to find myself bleeding alone

Someone knocking is only a dream for no one is really there —“


I asked God several times but His answers always lead me to you

Is this my punishment from being heartless and headstrong?

No wonder you keep on ignoring me, just say that she exists!

Foolish me! My friends and I are just equivalent to cash —

Trap in your strategy of the marketing trade, it’s your job!


Somehow I know that I’ll triumph and I won’t give up

How to continue when I am paralyzed with reality?

Few minutes ago, I feel like evaporating to the clouds

Am I really hurt with the truth in front my eyes?

You must be laughing out loud for my stupidity

You must be rejoicing with my defeat for this is what you want

You slaughtered part of me today and hope you’re happy now!


(Today, I’m supposed to ask a very important favor for I need his help so badly. Look at his chest! She must very significant and irreplaceable—)

He’s a monster!!!! That boy is a monster —- (“Monster” by Lady Gaga)


You Slaughtered Part of Me Today (That Boy is a Monster!!!)

I’m not crying, it is the sky outside weeping aloud

The image of truth, the hidden photograph revealed

Deceived by the string of lies and romantic twine of hopes

Thanks for the joy you bring and the pain you pour

I can no longer hear the sounds of the raging thunders

I can only listen to my own, the shattered crystals within

Why you have to come and bring the daggers of truth?

I want to run to my father’s grave and feel his warm embrace


“Papa, that day I almost died, why bother saving me?

If you love me, why you let go and give me a second chance?

Papa, this another life is my hell on earth for everybody lies

It was only your illusion and false promise about someone

If my migraine is deadly, I don’t mind for I want to see you soon

Papa, I tried opening my door, only to find myself bleeding alone

Someone knocking is only a dream for no one is really there —“


I ask God several times but His answers always lead me to you

Is this my punishment from being heartless and headstrong?

No wonder you keep on ignoring me, just say that she exists!

Foolish me! My friends and I are just equivalent to cash —

Trap in your strategy of the marketing trade, it’s your job!


Somehow I know that I’ll triumph and I won’t give up

How to continue when I am paralyzed with reality?

A few minutes ago, I feel like evaporating into the clouds

Am I really hurt with the truth in front my eyes?

You must be laughing out loud for my stupidity

You must be rejoicing with my defeat for this is what you want

You slaughtered part of me today and hope you’re happy now!


(Today, I’m supposed to ask a very important favour for I need his help so badly. Look at his chest! She must very significant and irreplaceable—)

He’s a monster!!!! That boy is a monster —- (“Monster” by Lady Gaga)

(May 9, 2012 @ 18:39:31)

My Fairy Tale Comes True Too

Cinderella had one pair of shoes while I have more

She gate crashed a grand ball and found a Prince

Whereas my party is long time over, no one is here


Snow White left home because of a witch, so did I

She rejoiced with the dwarfs and I with the kids

She ate a poisoned apple and kissed by her true love


Ariel wanted to be out of the sea to be with her guy

The price of her heart’s desire was her golden voice

Yet, I am more voiceless than her because I can’t say it


Jasmine had it all and she had Alladin on the magic carpet

Together they explored a whole new world, I did too

But mine is in my fantasy land, exclusively ours only


Aurora was asleep for years still love found its way to her

It has been many years since my heart was in slumber

Who among us need to wake up? If you only believe me…


Odette became a swan but her looks never stopped her

A love that is true always perceive straight from the heart

No witch can stop the will of God and power of the universe


Anna rushed on finding the one, deceived and broken-hearted

Nonetheless, a genuine heart will always find what’s real

No need to hurry just be who I am and live happily everday


Is there a happy ending? Can I just live my story as how it is?

I wanted taste the lips of my love and tango with him all night

Who cares I’m too old? My fairy tale come true too, I just know


No masks worn, this is who I really am and I’m proud of myself

I’ll continue to be a good person and love everyone around me

Thanks heaven for the gift of love, which I’ll share with him heartily

***Hello, u know who u are… Wake up!!! Sleep no more. Can u share ur seat? Will u listen and not be irritated? I can make a fun and meaningful conversation too! Will u see the heart instead, rather than all insignificant variables? The best choice is only and always right in front of u. How can I make a move or be forward when you slam the door on my face? How can I take courage when you’re always angry and not happy in my presence? How can I ask you out when you never listened nor even acknowledged my existence? How can I kiss you when you walk so fast to be away from me? With all the pain of truth you revealed each day (I did like the bag but now I change my mind, jealous 😂) I only pray for your happiness… for at the end of the day, all I know is to pray… this the worst of the worst chapter of my story…***

I’m Fine Without you

freedom quote

In the saddest moment of my life, I had you by my side. Although you were furious with the situation still we shared the tastiest meal ever. It was indeed our last lunch time together.  When evening came, I had to go and was uncertain of returning. You knew that I tried my best but luck was not on my side. When I left, I had to take you out quickly in my system. Nonetheless, my presumptions were incorrect for my will was not as powerful as the demands of my heart. As a woman, I had greater needs then that money couldn’t afford. Even if I forced myself to stop, it was slowly killing me each day. However, I didn’t allow  my darkness ate the brightness of my dreams and hopes.

Without you and be home from across the oceans, butchered my entire being.   Likewise, I must not be defeated by my needs instead I had to face the sun daily with undying bravery within.  Although there were times when every waking time, I wished not to open my eyes, I kept reminding myself that each day was a birth of new beginnings.    Yes, I went on breathing without you but somehow my emotions abandoned me that I was no different from a walking dead. So,  I forced a smile when I’m with others even if at that instant, all I wanted was to perish and be taken by the wind.

Then, I was back on my feet again and made it through. You rejoiced with me as always. Deep within me, I knew you wanted to be there but I knew it was not the same. Your coldness crept into my spines that brought sickness to my entire being. Indeed, I wept from evening till morning. So many sleepless nights and I put the blame on myself. Again, history repeated itself when I felt despising  all my flaws and my stupid skills.

You told me, “you’re strong!” Indeed, I am. I am alive and I ought to live for each day is a blessing and a miracle. As a matter of fact, I didn’t die when you were totally gone. As I moved forward, I realized that I am alright and there was absolutely nothing wrong with me.. No hassles and guilty feelings. My conscience were all clear. Perhaps,  you smashed my heart several times in the past with my permission but I didn’t lose everything because of it. Above all, my precious existence wasn’t terminated when you made that awful choice and totally changed to shatter my heart.  After all, I still had me with ulrimate goals in life.

NOT QUITTING!!! Always the big dreamer even if I go on journeying minus you, meaning all by myself….Indeed, totally  without you…

Honestly, I’m fine without you despite of my shortcomings. It was not the end of the world when you were out of my life. I am doing what I wanted now while enjoying my liberty.  No more pretenses and secrets. After all, without you is my freedom to be who I truly am, which I overthrown that very moment I let you inside my life.

by Hinder “Without You”

published last 05/14/2015 @11.53 pm

From a French Boy

The school year reopened with so many drama and conflicts. Even if the indifference pulled me down, I still wake up each day feeling blessed and grateful. Yesterday, the only French boy in my session gave me a handwritten ‘Thank You’ card. It was one of those moments when I am grateful that I am labeled boring with personality that sucks because if I were exciting and trying-to-please-the-men type of girl, then I wouldn’t be in the place where I have the opportunities to share to the young ones how great is God’s love. I told to the kids yesterday that we should pray as one to remain in the light. When I read the card, I am overjoyed by the sincerity of the young boy’s words. Then, all that happened for the entire week were deleted and replaced with God’s love.

I thank Jesus for bringing me to a place where I learned how to care for others and my love for Him inspired others too.

I woke up late today, it was already passed 12pm because I was watching the Miss Q & A Grand Finals till dawn. After my lunch time, I even dozed off… Luckily that I still managed to wake up on time and made it for confession before the 6pm mass started. What a relief after I went out from the confession room! Finally, I can make peace with zero grudges. When the mass was over, I dropped off in Greenwich because I had this craving for an Awfully Chocolate cake… sweets can bring more happiness and this is my treat! Afterwards, while waiting for my bus, I met my friend and we had dinner while uplifting each other’s spirits.

Thank you dear God for bringing me good friends who can see how beautiful I am as a daughter of yours. The faithful always triumph and true love wins all the time!

Eventhough Our Summer Ended😱

Once upon a time, we spoke under the ceiling of stars that summer. There was no memory of our dialogues, I only recalled that I was very tense at that instant. So, you were there when I was waltzing with him and you did remind me of that moment. Sorry I already forgot about it for I am so occupied with my summer lessons and there were others in my class who disrupted my thoughts. So that evening was concluded with merriment in our hearts. When I reached home, I am replying a letter to someone else. It was the beauty of youth and I was good with time management.

You had so much admiration at me and you never judged me as someone selfish similar to what somebody I used to know said. My apologies for not returning for another summer. I even hid the fact that when you dropped by my place, I came from a rendezvous. There were many things unsaid but I am only certain with what I could achieve not who I would keep.

Eventhough our summer ended, the sun never stopped shining and I am always grateful for I am truly blessed with many things. When others are bitter at me, I only become a better person because I look deeper at my good deeds. Even others choose not to see my goodness and will dwell on hatred, I’ll remain true to myself and offer the world my splendid smile.

Remember when you told me that I am a beautiful person and my confidence would bring me fortune. Those were words from the lips of someone who genuinely cherished me for being me. You were one of those few people who appreciated and truly saw my truest beauty as an exceptional daughter of God. Thanks and adieu to our summer days. What was left of our summer are glitter of memories for we left as joyful individuals who made a choice of not turning back. I wasn’t banished not to return in our land, I am only looking foward with my hopes at the pedestal for the future God restored for me.

After so many summers, here I am…. And so hey gorgeous what’s with the frown??? I was just kidding and I thought we had the morning of joke time. What will make you smile??? Stop the hate and just continuously love and love…. Remember, it feels good to forgive others— what do you know, the one who loves you the most is just right in front of you… Yet, you can only see what is essential with your heart, not with your eyes…. take away whatever blinded you and stop looking for what is truly true and the truest…. most genuine of them all! I’m here, present!!! Hey, gorgeous! Chill! I am indeed here… Love yeah!!! Mwaah!!!! Xoxo…

In my secret world…

By Karylle “I love Yeah”

Butterflies in the Meadow

Yellow Girl

Dashing towards the outdoor feeling the breeze only to uncover that the butterflies were all gone.  Where did they go when at this point in time, I am far away from where I used to be?   There used to be quite a number of them chasing me but I prefer to be all by myself.  So, here I am today standing in the midst of a meadow where butterflies are extinct.

How can I rewrite my fate or return to how it used to be? Perhaps, there’s no turning back for the past is in the past.  Moreover, the paradise I always wanted is slipping into my fingers all the time, which is beyond my control.  So, I looked up at the sun recalling all the insults, insensitivity and tactlessness.  Indeed, I am told that the waiting list queue is long and I will never be counted.  Am I such one pathetic fool to be the outcast?

Certainly, I am not oblivious to the reality.  Welcome to the generation whereby being the goody two shoes is uncool and unacceptable.  The obnoxious forwardness pinched my heart briefly but I just shook it off quickly because after what I had been through, I should have known better.  Not so long time ago, I did the unthinkable and allowed myself to be enslaved by my obsession for several occasions then. At the end of the day, it never gave me satisfaction instead I was melancholic, guilty and embarrassed.  I learned my lesson the hard way and so this is my retribution for all the erroneous decisions that I did.  As a result, I also learned to shut up and let people be.

No matter how I am judged or being labelled as horrible with a personality that sucks (according to…), it won’t diminish my confidence and optimism.  Even I am always discouraged and treated sourly, I will still continue to fulfil my obligations with all my heart for God, my family and to others.  When someone throws stones at me, I only give back a delicious bread. In other words, I won’t dwell on grudges and vengeance at all but always do good deeds and as much as possible control my temper while allowing the Holy Spirit in leading the way.

Indeed, I took the road less travelled where all my friendly butterflies existed no more.  Here I am the wandering buffoon who finds it impossible to sweep him on his feet.  Likewise, I won’t surrender in disgrace nor feeling like an idiot for it’s not the end of the world for this too will pass.  Instead, I am going to stand on my feet with my head held up high and never get tired of continuing to love purely and truthfully.

My love isn’t a lie and this is God’s gift too.  It will bring authentic joy to the one with an open heart.  I let the butterfly fly away from me so that it can explore the world and find its audience.  When it gets exhausted from its flight, I am always here waiting lovingly and patiently. After all, I keep on telling myself that I don’t need so many butterflies for one is perfectly fine and more than good enough for me.

Sometimes one can’t see what truly matters when that person is so attached to the ways of the world.  Nonetheless, there’s someone Divine whether you’re a believer or not who knows better and we are no match for His powers.  Almighty King, let Your will be done!

(It was a long and stressful day! I needed a long walk and sweets to relieve me from being anxious for I failed to accomplish my expectations for the day.   And of course, the offer was on for you needed that too… I could sense it without any words uttered.)


(Butterfly on my shoulder… this was the photo that my sister took with her old Sony camera)

To my first love❤️😍😘

My version of Infinity War face-off is a total disaster. I tried to draw but I actually couldn’t. But, if you were here, you’d definitely tell me not to give up and would say that I could do anything as long as I put my heart into it.

Remember, I oftentimes told you that I could draw without showing any artworks for all I did was read and sleep. I even told you that I could be a nun praying full day at the monastery. You only smiled because you knew too well that I only wanted to be all by myself and I never cared for others except you.

Here I am trying to draw my favourite superheroes. Yet, what so many people don’t know that you never failed to save me, you were the best superhero who loved me for who I am.

When I am cold and aloof, you embraced me with warmth reminding me that I am never alone and I couldn’t always run away from those people who needed me. You always supported me to lead…

I even said that I couldn’t make it in my studies. My secondary school would surely kicked me out and I couldn’t get my certificate for my degree. Undeniably, I am the laziest among my siblings in the academic field and I am always absent from my classes. However, all you said was I could surpass the rest because God blessed me with many gifts. One day, my skills would be my tool for survival. Guess what, now I even made it to second degree and post-grad… Thank you for not judging me and seeing the best in me, which I chose to put aside.

I miss kissing and hugging you everyday. Thank you very much for your unselfish love. You’re the first man I truly loved and my avid fan.

I miss you Papa! Happy Father’s day!

There are no accidents

Finally everything was over yesterday. I was so exhausted but it was worthwhile. Looking back, I didn’t expect to be with the people surrounding me. Yet, I was there…. for four days, it made me realised that tough love is indeed truly tough. In that experience with the kids, I was the disciplinarian, secretary, facilitator, artist, teacher, evangelist… Above all, I had the chance to become a temporary mum. I poured my time, energy and cash for the success of the event. But it was worth my everything because the children and their parents appreciated what I did.

Always thought that it was by accident that I volunteered to be there. Now, I know that there are no accidents for God placed me to where I can grow in faith and to be more caring to all people around me.

Super tedious but I thank God that I survived and I am healthy as a horse.

I don’t mind doing it all over again because being with the kids I am reminded that I am a beautiful person and a blessing to others too. I lost my cool on the kids for several times but I was very proud of what they had shown and done.