In the middle of all the ridicules and humiliations, when I’m stuck in the reality where I don’t matter and exist anymore. The Devil surely did a good job in feeding me with all the lies. Yet, in my defence, the angels made me remember those wonderful memories that I kept only to myself.
Yeah, it was the longest-running infatuation but it began beautifully and how I described it was my favourite lines of all time.
“It was one boring lesson and I was definitely hungry. My teacher didn’t only look like a goat but he sounded like one. I felt like sleeping in class. So, to control myself from falling asleep, I looked around to keep my drowsy eyes occupied. Then, at that unexpected moment, you trapped my sight with your presence. I was glued to you, despite of the fact that your friend was much cuter. You were goofing around on the stairs not so far from where I was. I couldn’t take my eyes off because you had the loveliest smile that I ever seen. At that very instant, the world stopped rotating and the background froze. It felt that it was only both of us existed in the world, and everyone’s existence dissolved and blurred from that scene. Then, the only sound I heard was the melody from the piano. There was only you and I, and I could hear the music looping in my heart.”
We were children back then, what did I know? All I am determined to achieve was to create a name for myself. When that time would happen, I wouldn’t tremble anymore when you would be there. After all, you were the only man that I ever knew who completed my checklist for the ideal guy. I admit that I was not that loyal, I played along with the options. However, you were always the number one and the best. Yet, you were almost perfect that made everything about you scary. Suddenly, you were gone, Cleopatra was reborn and the attention I got was not really that pleasing at times.
I was an inferior teenage girl. But, in college I was overconfident and everything was so easy to me. I am always selected and lots of people wanted to be my friends. I became a part of many things. Perhaps, in school and my community, I etched a name for myself.
After I received my degree’s cert, you were the first one I searched. I never told anyone but you were the only one I dared and put effort to reach out. Well, I had my resources. If I really paid attention to it, I could nominate myself as the best stalker. Nonetheless, why should I be one? That was the prime of my teens, I had the time of my life and I always enjoyed the little pleasures and suprises the world could offer. In other words, I was too busy that I couldn’t spare a second in stalking you. Sorry to disappoint your expectations but my obsession never led me to such extremes. Anyway, I only did whatever I did out of my impulsiveness because I thought at that point, I am already valiant enough because I already made it in college.
What they didn’t know, for a brief time, we exchanged messages and dropped calls. When I heard your voice after five years, it was a disbelief that it made me awake for the entire night. My apologies to those guys who thought I was into them because the truth was I only danced along with the music of my youth.
Several random messages were exchanged between us. Suddenly, you asked me to come to the place where you were playing pool. I refused but you insisted. I wanted to be there but I couldn’t. I am still not your equal. My fears were greater than my feelings. Plus, I couldn’t violate my dignity and pride. I convinced myself that it was not time yet. Not yet.
I had my chance but I blew it because I had nothing to prove to you and everyone else. I still couldn’t draw same as you could. In addition, I still couldn’t prove myself that I deserved that seat in my class and I belonged in that place where we found one another… I’m not just the lucky one, I belonged too!
Prior to deleting your mobile number. I used my creativity in writing to compose the last message I sent to you…
“It doesn’t matter. Actually, nothing matters at all. As long as I know that same sun and moon shine above our heads, I will always be fine. May they watch over you and won’t fail to tell you that I truly cared even from a distance.”
MESSAGE SENT. NUMBER DELETED.
Perhaps, I was almost there but my heart couldn’t overthrow the power of my mind. My brain assured me that I chose correctly because following my heart would probably direct me to ruins. Hence, I put an end to that infatuation for it was merely nothing but the invention of a dreamy and hopeless teenage girl. No happily-ever-after ending. It was the finale of my choice.
If I accidentally dropped by and saw you for the last time in your special day, please bear in mind that what never began was obviously over. After that day, the world never stopped anymore and the music never played again. I was like a walking dead incapable of feeling real affection and still scared of showing my true feelings. Indeed, I am only good at hiding and writing. After all, they don’t really see the real me…
By Anne Hathaway “Somebody to Love” (OST Ella Enchanted)