It would be a tremendous lie, if I would say that those words didn’t hurt me like daggers plunged into my chest yesterday. What a disbelief that such brilliant mind could be influenced with words rather than deeds… and whatever factors there were… What sort of infos were the other party fed surely not for my favours? So, now I fully fathomed what those termites in my dreams meant. How performance is rated? Is it based on subjective opinions or character assassinations? What happened to success criteria attained?
I woke up in tears. Rearranging my baggage all over again… from a comfortable four-wheeled luggage bag, I changed to an old dilapidated brown carrier. The worst of it all, I left my USB hub adapter used in charging my devices. To add up, I was even late during the arranged time of meeting and embarassed myself for the things I was carrying. While I was in the bus, I was told that I am expected last 6th December and when I took my key, the receptionist also asked why I didn’t turn up on the 6th. Perhaps, I should come earlier to escape the tactless truth… but isn’t it in hurt you learned to be stronger?
It is true, ‘I’m all work-no-play Gen’. After my father died, I was doing a lot of jobs to pay my school fees to further my studies. My goals were vivid. At that point of time, I oftentimes reminded myself that I would never need anyone. Then, my job became my life. Always trying so hard to prove something not to others but solely to myself that indeed I could…. I forgot to let loose. My job was my everything. As if I am trying to make up for the mistakes I did during my school days. I am never committed to my studies and always missed my classes. Why I didn’t flunked and still got good grades? I didn’t know. Probably, I cleverly played my cards and others too well. Or I was just lucky. Behind the scene, my father knew that I could achieve more if I would take things seriously. Despite of that, I was so arrogant by constantly telling him “my teachers were not good enough for me or he should be grateful I wouldn’t attend my classes because he could save money from my allowance”.
Preceding to where I am today, I had my exclusive episodes of my own version of “Series of Unfortunate Events”. Then, the voice in my dream said “ONE OF THE BEST!” I thought it was the other one who considered me instantly only I ended with the one who waited patienly. I was there because we needed one another, don’t we? Whatever there was, I could work things out. The Lord knows, that beneath those wrong judgements and misconceptions, I am the same beautiful person with hidden sweetness. I am a bad liar and terrible faker. I’m used on the idea that no one will defend me, so I must be brave to fight my own battles. Perhaps, the center of my life isn’t only my job and making money but others can be included there.
I was so disoriented at the airport. The sea of unfamiliar faces submerged me underneath the bottom of isolation. Will I be able to connect to others? Will I be the same leader that my neighbours and friend looked up for over a decade? Will I be able to revive that vivacious and voluptious college girl that could light a room with my presence? Where should I begin? I am stuck in a limbo of nowhere. Here I am, all by myself in a room trying to let the Blessed Mother to point me the way.
Dinner time was a delight in my tummy with the delicious foreign cuisine. Yes, I am in a foreign land blending in with new acquaintances. Of course, I am willing to make a difference to others for a meaningful and reflective holiday. All the things I did maybe seen and not discredited but none made a count. Yet, above, the greatest of them all isn’t blind and He knows too well what’s in my heart. I don’t have to destroy others to give myself a good name….