Gonna Fix Me

Oops, I’m broken! Ouch! Ouch! Raised to the power of infinity!

I can’t change the facts. Knowing hurts but I gonna fix me for I’m one unbeatable captain of my ship. There’s no joy in crying… Besides, the prince and princess may be one, none of them ain’t living a fairy tale. There’s no happy ending for lovers only a love story full of loopholes and struggles. What do you know, the one who loses may weep for now but as the circle of life goes on he or she is declared the victor. Triumph befalls to those who claim defeat.

I am skilled to mend things. It’s not an easy route but I’m gonna fix me. All I have is faith and love… thus, no matter the circumstances, I can withstand the storms and endure the uncertainties on my path of existence.

Hallelujah!

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Love in the City

I woke up with a broken heart amidst a beautiful dream with the most gorgeous of them all. That friend of his probably told no lie…

Whatever there was, God knows I am truthful…

My heart is pure; my intentions clear.

My brokenness may eaten my energy but it won’t slaughter my spirit. I attended the event in Waterloo road entitled “Love in the City”. It was a gag talk and carolling. Despite the humour, I learned the reasons behind the celebration Christmas and story of short-lived life of baby Joshua.

When love is true it endures and means to last…,

See-Me-Not

This is me at 70… ( image generated using Face Secret app)

Will you remember me?

Your mind is at the highlands

New Zealand’s beyond my reach

Your heart is always there

A tale told by another pal

Yes, I am just too near

Walking side-by-side

While my heart bleeds

Am I always been invisible?

You should have known

You never see for you don’t look

You never heard for you don’t listen

Even it hurts, I should be still

I am not afar always be there

Same as usual, you see-me-not…

Hope one day, you’ll uncover

How great thou art than them all

The truth is always in front of us!

Anyways, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE

For the Almighty knows best!

Be valiant! Fear nothing at all!

‘Tis the Season to be Jolly

All I want for Christmas is you

So you better watch out

You better not cry

You better not pout

I’m telling you why

Coz under the mistletoe

I’m kissing you all over

For this silent and holy night

The world is ours forevermore

Merry Christmas Darling
Greeting cards have all been sent
The Christmas rush is through
But I still have one wish to make
A special one for you
Merry Christmas Darling
We’re apart that’s true
But I can dream and in my dreams
I’m Christmasing with you
Holidays are joyful
There’s always something new
But ev’ryday’s a holiday
When I’m near to you
The lights on my tree
I wish you could see
I wish it ev’ry day
Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year too
I’ve just one wish on this Christmas eve
I wish I were with you
The logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year too
I’ve just one wish on this Christmas eve
I wish I were with you
I wish I were with you

Answered: No more DOUBTS

It is the last evening of the Christmas Novena mass in preparation of the Advent. Finally, I made it to the 9th night at Yishun in the Church of Our Lady Star of the Sea.

Will you doubt it like Zechariah? Trust in Him and DOUBT NO MORE!!! If you have doubts, you are…

D- Devil Dwells in you.

Having doubts is allowing weaknesses and wickedness rule over your life. It depletes your faith, and the devil has the last laugh… will you let the devil reign upon you.

O – Obstacles become impossible to Overcome.

You will feel forsaken by everyone and the trials keep on coming. Surely weakened by shortcomings. Thus, obstacles in all your desires will be your made cell wherein there’s no way of getting out.

U – Ugliness and Unhappiness

Indeed, you only look at your flaws and imperfections. You will feel ugly and your innermost feelings will be seen at your outward appearance. Then, no vanity, makeup and filter can satisfy you… even surgery can’t make you feel joyful… Hence, ugliness within will darken your soul causing unhappiness in your life.

B – Bound to the Bed of thorns

As your doubts eating you, you’ll feel paralysed… trusting no one at all. Bound to the bed of thorns where you sleep in the darkened room. Despite, what you accomplished, you only feel worthless abs wounded inside.

T – Tales of Lies

The truth will be unknown for you are blinded by doubts. Therefore, you only listen to the whispers of the devil that keeps you pushing beneath the depths of your depressed hearts. The devil will chant believable tales of lies pulling you away from thy Saviour.

S – Sleeplessness or the choice to Sleep forever

When doubts take over, sleeplessness can bother anyone. Then, no medication nor medical professionals can come to your aid. Sadly, some choose a bitter end… a choice to sleep forevermore abandoning the blessed life God has given to all of us. I was watching Marilyn Monroe’s documentary after mass. It’s sad how she ended her life despite of the limelight’s and success… she’s one of the many…

Food was provided after the mass… God isn’t selfish and I know He hears me… He’s not blind to my selflessness. God is watching and taking good care of you because I always keep you in my prayers, gorgeous…

SIDE TRIP: MY TROLLOLOLOL

“EXPECTATION VS REALITY: Oh no! 😱🤮

Fun! Fun! Apps can do many wonders to deceive people… This time, feel free to DOUBT the pics in social media.. BEWARE OF BEING CATFISH!

Expectation: Adorable anime character

Reality: Plain and home buddy Gen (thanks to good lighting, the photo above doesn’t look that bad)

Underneath the Mistletoe

Absolutely vain in desperation

Another narcissistic fool I am

Unnaturally lovely with filters

Clinging to art for entertainment

HEY, I DON’T NEED THE NONSENSE!

Isn’t it Christmas? Am I merry?

Last night, I dreamt of a white Christmas

Of course, I won’t be alone there

For I was holding your soft hand

Smelling the scent of your cigar

Your breath so closed to my lips

Underneath the mistletoe was heaven

The magic happened instantly

Fireworks exploded in our hearts

Certainly you loved it too much

All over again in the longest time

For now, it’s a Christmas dream

Underneath the mistletoe we’re real

You and I need no filters for we’re true

Merry Christmas, gorgeous you!!!

I miss you very very much (it’s true!)

I Dare Me

Believe me for the truth is in my eyes

Move closer, let me smell your scent!

The fragrance of yours, drive me mad

Faraway you go but I’m always here

Keeping your thoughts within mine

What should I trade to hold your hand?

What’s the price to pay to have you near?

God knows my intentions are pure

My conscience is as clear as crystal

My heart is always and forever true

In the silence of my quiet chamber

I dare me to delete you from my system

The more I attempted to get rid of you

My feelings uncontrollably grow each day

Gorgeous, how to say I miss you badly?

(I dared myself too in posting awful artworks of mine… for the first time in forever… just for the fun of it despite the yucks and ews… . So, horrible and disgusting… well, I can be daring too for the sake of art not to draw attention. These artworks were made possible using PicsArt’s magic effects. It’s really fun to use for I transformed my boldness to intriguing pieces for your eyes only.)

Sincerely Yours,

Howdy, mi amore!! Still hopelessly devoted to you even if your from a distant because you never deserted my heart. Every morning and night, I say a little prayer for you. The fact is, I don’t really get the millennials styles for I’m stuck in my old school ways. I always care and you’re the number one in my mind…. However, you never bother to notice or at least let me in— Even if I wanted to bother you, I just kept things to myself because I’d rather keep quiet knowing your having the time of your life. Keep it up!

The mission trip in Cambodia was unexpected to me. It turned out to be relaxing and convenient… I had a good rest and was acquainted to wonderful people. At the end of it all, I felt inner peace and contentment. Honestly, the people I was with for a week didn’t need me because it was me who needed them more to discover my real self once more.

I didn’t sign up to paint. I was only proud showing the outputs of the kids when we did the garbage art. Then, one of the organisers thought I am an artist for she also saw my drawing as my WhatsApp profile photo. She requested me to assist two of the brothers to do the mural. I came unprepared, the paint brushes for details were not ideally used for wall painting. If only I’ve known beforehand, I should have brought my brushes.

This time round, I drew for a purpose… I received acknowledgements and praises. Six years ago, I was motivated to paint because of someone I used to know. The person even encouraged me and it made me feel that I was the better option. I got the highest mark and that person was the first to know. At that point, my artworks revolved around that individual but nothing really mattered at all. Then, literally and figuratively the strongest earthquake and typhoon came to my country and also to me personally. I was all shattered then and the pain never left me.

This year, I tried to paint again because of my loss… Only then when I was in Cambodia, that I realised how selfish I was been because I only made use of my skills for my satisfaction.

Art in any forms are meant to be shown and not to be kept. Its beauty isn’t meant to be hidden but share to others to bring little delights in their hearts. In addition, it also occurred to me that people could destroy me but none of them could take everything from me. I kept looking at my artwork, it wasn’t the best but it awakened the lonely and troubled girl in me to cheer up and face the music courageously.

Hey, gorgeous! I hope you’ll let me paint a portrait of you not in secret anymore just to make me happy but for you to appreciate and also bring joy to you… The reason behind the present: I support the sleeping and smoking and nothing religious with the accessory, it was bought to support a fund raising of the sisters. There were non-believers millennials who bought such for fashion and so I thought to get one to accent your looks. It was a quick shopping and the keychains with nail clipper usage, so I thought that those were really handy and useful for everyone do trim their nails from time to time. The last one, was for the fun of it… refill!!! Oh my! I disappointed people with my thoughtfulness and awful singing. Feliz navidad!!! I always keep you in my prayers as promised.

Thanks for the Day

I had a good day! It was indeed a wonderful night. The food was delicious …. Most of all, I just shook it off and had a great time! It has been so Long since I felt this way! Advance Merry Christmas!

Surprisingly, when I went into my room there was a bouquet on the dresser. I never saw one except this evening in my fourth day of stay. I am just happy because this is what I drew on my reflection the other night.

Shallow Waters Are Noisy

At the end of the day, I am still the happiest person ever existed!

This is me, just saying to get over the undesirable talks that I heard from someone I trusted and looked up the most…

Psst… Don’t talk and leave things as they are… what is done already happened. Make noise to kick others out and make yourself be the hero. Make noise to save your ass and tell the world how heavy is your load… After all, it is the survival of the fittest… how long?

Hence, I now fully understand, what’s with surprise abrupt exit. Sir, I feel you now and thank you for being grateful even if I knew you briefly. If only I could do the same but I cannot leave just like that with what I owed to God.

Less than a year ago, I asked someone who went down from the ladder why, “someday you will know…” was his response. The biggest OUCH coz now I just don’t know but I am not counted just like that… BIASES AND ALL— only God can judge me!

The quote that someone I used to know is suitable to this… “shallow waters are noisy…” Indeed, I know right!!!

How can you get over with something dearest to you and the reward is the hurting words because others may be silent but they can talk negativities behind your back. Come on, let’s make a difference…

I made this choice because I always have the heart to be with others and to share authentic joy that no money can buy.

A word that I learned from a young man today, “selflessness” over (self-) pity.

Be strong, fear not! Here is your God . . . he comes to save you. (Isaiah 35:4)

I’m happy that I said yes and tagged along. Now, I’m at peace and resting…. days will pass, those words won’t haunt me anymore.

The Death of Me

Must die… Must die… Kill the beast!

It’s not a question of who but what. Face it, most of us have our Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde moments. Doble Cara at times, the beauty and the beast tandem inside.

Indeed, my brain is the playground of the devil causing my own aches. The pessimism and inferiority complex destroy how I deal with others. I am my unbeatable foe, but that has to change because I am created and nurtured with love.

It’s tough to murder the part of me that I am blindly aware to co-exist with me. The part of me who lives in doomsday must be pulled to the light.

Whatever was said I won’t let it affect me or bring me down. For I absolutely certain that enjoy and love what I am doing. No one has the right to take my blessings. HISTORY WON’T REPEAT BY ITSELF! I am told with so many truths but I listened to whom I foolishly trusted. Didn’t I ask for assurance? After I was used, it was easily to say such…

Despite that, I will not stop doing my best!!!! So, I must kill me to give birth of a new beginning. Similar to a caterpillar who’ll die in its cocoon; then, will reborn to become a beautiful butterfly.

This time I’ll find meaning to all my experiences. Lesson learned not all who claimed to follow Jesus see no race but actually protecting their kind.

I Arrived

It would be a tremendous lie, if I would say that those words didn’t hurt me like daggers plunged into my chest yesterday. What a disbelief that such brilliant mind could be influenced with words rather than deeds… and whatever factors there were… What sort of infos were the other party fed surely not for my favours? So, now I fully fathomed what those termites in my dreams meant. How performance is rated? Is it based on subjective opinions or character assassinations? What happened to success criteria attained?

I woke up in tears. Rearranging my baggage all over again… from a comfortable four-wheeled luggage bag, I changed to an old dilapidated brown carrier. The worst of it all, I left my USB hub adapter used in charging my devices. To add up, I was even late during the arranged time of meeting and embarassed myself for the things I was carrying. While I was in the bus, I was told that I am expected last 6th December and when I took my key, the receptionist also asked why I didn’t turn up on the 6th. Perhaps, I should come earlier to escape the tactless truth… but isn’t it in hurt you learned to be stronger?

It is true, ‘I’m all work-no-play Gen’. After my father died, I was doing a lot of jobs to pay my school fees to further my studies. My goals were vivid. At that point of time, I oftentimes reminded myself that I would never need anyone. Then, my job became my life. Always trying so hard to prove something not to others but solely to myself that indeed I could…. I forgot to let loose. My job was my everything. As if I am trying to make up for the mistakes I did during my school days. I am never committed to my studies and always missed my classes. Why I didn’t flunked and still got good grades? I didn’t know. Probably, I cleverly played my cards and others too well. Or I was just lucky. Behind the scene, my father knew that I could achieve more if I would take things seriously. Despite of that, I was so arrogant by constantly telling him “my teachers were not good enough for me or he should be grateful I wouldn’t attend my classes because he could save money from my allowance”.

Preceding to where I am today, I had my exclusive episodes of my own version of “Series of Unfortunate Events”. Then, the voice in my dream said “ONE OF THE BEST!” I thought it was the other one who considered me instantly only I ended with the one who waited patienly. I was there because we needed one another, don’t we? Whatever there was, I could work things out. The Lord knows, that beneath those wrong judgements and misconceptions, I am the same beautiful person with hidden sweetness. I am a bad liar and terrible faker. I’m used on the idea that no one will defend me, so I must be brave to fight my own battles. Perhaps, the center of my life isn’t only my job and making money but others can be included there.

I was so disoriented at the airport. The sea of unfamiliar faces submerged me underneath the bottom of isolation. Will I be able to connect to others? Will I be the same leader that my neighbours and friend looked up for over a decade? Will I be able to revive that vivacious and voluptious college girl that could light a room with my presence? Where should I begin? I am stuck in a limbo of nowhere. Here I am, all by myself in a room trying to let the Blessed Mother to point me the way.

Dinner time was a delight in my tummy with the delicious foreign cuisine. Yes, I am in a foreign land blending in with new acquaintances. Of course, I am willing to make a difference to others for a meaningful and reflective holiday. All the things I did maybe seen and not discredited but none made a count. Yet, above, the greatest of them all isn’t blind and He knows too well what’s in my heart. I don’t have to destroy others to give myself a good name….

We gonna and we will do

Dear Gorgeous,

Look at you, what a such a cutie… One cool boss!


I got my ticket for the long way ‘round

Two bottle ‘a whiskey for the way
And I sure would like some sweet company
And I’m leaving tomorrow, wha-do-ya say?
When I’m gone
When I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me by my hair
You’re gonna miss me everywhere, oh
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
(Lyrics “Cups” by Anna Kendrick)

I do too.

I really do.

Here I Am

Love is a luxury I cannot afford

Little pleasures can delight me

Yet, in the muteness of my heart

‘Here, I am… will you notice me?”

It’s sad that I sound awful to you

In many times of my lifetime

The loudness of my voice is my asset

Don’t know how to mimic cuteness

To win and impress all the guys

“Here I am… will you probably see?

I can be like them too, you never tried

It took me courage to do what I did

Only to agitate you and hate me more

I know others don’t lie and pretend

And children are innocently honest

‘Here I am as a rare as a diamond

Sparkling the brightest among all gems!’

Lord, I am grateful that others are ecstatic

You know too well that it can be me…

The universe will speak on my behalf

Lead the path for the one who’s always true

Never fading… timeless and never ending

Don’t Drink…

My superstitious friend used to warn me

A logical friend’s reminder, ‘trust no one’

Sweet snacks gave me a slight sore throat

Rudeness spoiled my day, chocolates saved me!

Was yesterday’s meal bad for my health?

Or was there something in that drink?

After an hour of being fit and losing calories

Puking the drink recently poured in my system

All was well and I rested home in solitude

Suddenly, my body’s heat was rising rapidly

Self-medication with hot bath and a lot of water

The next day, I was off from my work

Something was wrong but I couldn’t explain

No check-up, I only requested for a flu vaccine

Perfectly fine after, I did a little shopping

Suddenly, my voice sounded really awful

I am coughing so hard and bought medicine

So many sleepless nights, my Panda eyes!!!

The doctor told me to rest for two more days…

Be healthy for I am off for a Mission

No disease should defeat my will to serve

Yet, it made me stop and think for a minute

Was there really something in the drink?

Silent jealousy, hidden hate at its brink

If you’re watching ’48 Hours Mystery’, ‘Behind Mansion Wall’, ‘Dateline’, ‘Deadly Women’ and ‘True Crimes’

You’ll get the hint with what I mean

Coincidence maybe or it’s my guts talking

Be warned for the wolf may be on a sheep’s skin!

My Vanity Fair

I’m sick but I already promised my Friend that I will come. So, I put a little makeup on…

What???? Too much editing and filter that I don’t recognise myself. The outcome is horrendous and out-of-this-world. (Haha Meitu app brings out the unrealistic side of me. 😂 LOL)

So, what’s my age??? With correct angle, good lighting and a little smile, and a light makeup on…. I can cheat my age. See, no facelift and botox required!!! (It’s about the camera tricks. The only one who can take beautiful photos of myself is only me).

And here, I’m ready to party!!! (My recycled attire, shoes courtesy of my sis-in-law)

Thanks to my friends for the delicious food, gift and good time. Thanks for inviting me!!!

Off to bed now…facial mask to relax my exhausted face with all the sleepless nights (of coughing).