Finding what I lost…

Tradition has it that when your younger sibling will marry before you, he or she should give tribute to you in terms of money or things.  If the younger sibling will fail to do so, the older sibling/s will be cursed and probably will end up to be forever alone.

Half a decade ago, my younger brother got married with his long time girlfriend.  Sadly, I missed that significant event not because I was bitter for him walking the isle before I did.  It was due to some financial issues and I had certain priorities then that stopped me from taking the flight and be in attendance for his special event.  My choice made others criticized me in so many hurtful words.  Nevertheless, they just had no idea what sacrifices I did for my family even up to this point of time.

Hence, my brother got married and I was not in the picture. ¬† Nonetheless, I demanded what he owed me. ¬†It may sounded selfish; yet, at that situation I had my reasons to ask what was rightfully mine. ¬†Indeed, my brother bought me a pair of golden earrings. ¬†I was happy when he surprised me with that jewelry. ¬† I rejoiced not because the curse will be omitted, it was more than that. ¬†It was the feeling of being forgiven and respected. ¬†Then, just like any women of my age, a spark of hope and maybes were born within. ¬†There was someone I considered by that time. ¬†Yet, there were many things in life that wouldn’t work as planned. ¬†Turning back, I placed myself in the worst situation that I never imagined to be involved. ¬†As a result, a lot of boiling emotions were piling up. ¬†Thus, my fears and pains questioned God’s plan. God only replied, ‘in My time’.

Patiently waiting and healing with time, I treasured those pair of earrings with all my heart. ¬†After all the challenges I went through, my faith never faded and still remained optimistic despite my age. ¬†I wore the earrings last Wednesday. ¬†When I was about to clean my face, I noticed that my left ear had no earring on. ¬†I briefly panicked. ¬†Then, I silently spoke to the Almighty. ‘I will never cry again for what I lost because what matters most is what I am, who I’ll become and how I live my life. ¬†My Lord, You have given me so much and no superstitions will ever stop Your plans. ¬†I have nothing to fear because You walk with me in my loneliness’. ¬†In my silence, I felt that everything will be fine and there’s no need to search high and low. ¬†Besides, I journeyed so far from my working place to my house and there was no way for me to trace my footsteps. ¬†Aside from that, I made some stopover to shop for what to wear for next day’s corporate picture-taking. ¬†The probability of finding it was very slim. ¬†Likewise, it didn’t matter, at least I still have the other one.

The next day, I woke forgetting about the other earring that I lost. ¬†I am so occupied preparing myself for the picture-taking. ¬†When I reached my working place, I immediately plugged in the cord of my hair straightener brush and suddenly I saw on my chair that other earring I lost. ¬†What a surprise! ¬†I didn’t lost it on the road but it only dropped at my office to where I am sitting.

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I had my answers. ¬†You were right my Lord, when You spoke in my dreams that I don’t have to search for what I am looking for is only there all the time. ¬†I may be unable to uncover the mystery of those words as of this point of my life. ¬†Yet, I will always trust in Your words and plans for me and move forward while fulfilling Your plans.

You are pretty aware that I refused to lead because I’m so conscious with my accent, still You brought those children under my care. ¬†When one of them didn’t show up during our important event, I did the impossible and prayed silently to find that girl. ¬†I told You that this must what the Good Shepherd felt when one sheep was lost. ¬†Miracle did happen, I was able to find her and the mother even brought us food. ¬†Who would ever thought that one of them has the desire to serve you? ¬†Perhaps, what I said to those kids came from the Holy Spirit and it had impact on them.

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Photo credit: Daniel Seah, Chuch ¬†of St Vincent de Paul’s First Holy Communion last Saturday (19 June 2017)

Does it matter if I made this choice to be where I am now? ¬†I always know that God put me in the situation which I can manage where I can serve my purpose and possess that contentment in my heart. ¬†Romantic love’s offer may come and go. ¬†I did take those chances and broke my heart several times. ¬†Yes, there were so many stages in my life when those failures weakened me and I drowned to the belief of hopelessness. ¬†Nonetheless, You never gave up on me and You brought me here instead. ¬†Now, this journey taught me that it’s not about the love I lost but it’s about the faith and courage I found within that truly matter in my existence. ¬†I lived and failed countless of times; however, I remain standing still no matter how strong the wind blows. ¬†I survive it all and found ‘who I am’ in the process.



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