I ran to my brothers but they were occupied building their future with other women.
I cried out for my mother but all she cared for were our neighbors, her relatives and her sisters.
I wanted to hold my sister’s hand but she left the country and enjoyed with others.
Yet, I am skillful and easily loved. There were two families who opened their homes to me. I had two instant moms and they were well off. They gave not only part time jobs but be part of their families. I am contented with my little earnings. I am happy with my students’ gifts and I still dress nicely with my cheap and second hand goods.
Yet, I dreamed more and the children I borrowed had grown. It made me realize that they didn’t belong to me. Yet, all the laughter and secrets we shared were precious. Now, finding out how successful they became made me proud. I was not only their tutor, for I was their family and their homes welcomed me. Everyone in their household were always part of me. They were always be the little boys and girls I knew… I remembered my tutees namely: Joby, Lance, Van-van, Lukie, Val, Louie and Siobe. Imagine, I had a big family before… I had two mothers and seven children… Life was never boring!!! And so I left…
Away from my comfort zone taught me to value the people around me. My job was my home. The little joys people gave were truly a delight within. No one presumed or took me wrongly. However, I had to leave that little home I built and the familiar faces I’ve known because I sought for financial stability. I had no choice but to return.
When I reached my place, I discovered a tragedy. My father’s land was taken away from us again? Didn’t I pay for it a long time ago? Have you worked for more than two years without any pay? I did for the sake of family and to give my brother a good future. I knew my mother and brother deceived all the time and cheated me with my money. I never complained and forgot my happiness…
For a long time, I forgot about me. When I tried to, I was only taken for granted. There was nothing to it but a hollow heart. I was so empty and I ran to God. I returned but someone tricked me with a job and took a lot of money from me. God sent me a new source of living, but my boss was a coward and to this day he faced the outcome of my tears.
Here I am on my feet again. Clinging to the joy of my job and loving everyone around me. All I want and need are people whom I can work well and share my stories and laughter. I wanted to feel at home in my working place. Yet, all offered to me was sadness and humiliation. I thought that I am welcomed but not at all…. They all misjudged me because of my gender, the colour of my skin and my physical appearance. None of them see the goodness of my heart. I was not in for the show… All I wanted was for everyone to be happy so that I would forget the issues at home. I was taken wrongly and ditched as if I am the worst girl ever existed. I was concerned and prayed for everyone else only to realize that no one cared and no one bothered. They are all happy and feasting now…. Hope that they found it in their hearts that I considered them as my friends and I truly missed those moments… They already paid me… It was nothing but payment….
I am not the kindest person in the world. I am not holy but a sinner. Yet, no one can see that my goodness is true and I am not faking my smiles.
When I returned home, I am only back in a dream where my father was waiting and when everyone prayed the rosary together after dinner.
I am not the best daughter there was but I gave up my happiness because I obeyed my parents. I turned my back to the only man who was consistent to be with me because I valued my home and my dreams. I was not the best sister but I made everyone happy. I was not only my siblings’s sister but I am the big sister to all my cousins. I had a big family and everyone was my brothers and sisters…. I got so many friends….
Then, I moved afar to be here, only to be judged and be the subject of a joke like the girl before me. Only to buy a nice house where none of my family members willing to live… I wanted to start a business but how when there’s no one to trust…. All my efforts wasted…. And I can no longer be with those willing hearts whom I only liked but never tried to love.
I don’t belong. Nonetheless, God gave me so many skills to share. He gave me a good heart to care for others. He called my name to serve Him, be His voice and be a model to others. Others may not appreciate that because I don’t sleep with them, it’s alright…. After all, my faith keeps me sane and strong…. Yes, I don’t have anyone and nobody wants me but God knows I am worth having and be a blessing to others as written in the scriptures…
God does not see race nor physical appearance. He sees each His creation as a masterpiece and He judges what’s in the heart and deeds.