After all those years, they wondered what happened to her. She never showed up, as if she disappeared in the face of the earth. Yet, none of them asked. It never mattered anyway because as long as they knew she was alright. However, she was in hell and she would never be fine. Ironically, they cheered her up. Wasn’t being a cheerleader her role to everyone else? The table had turned not in favor of her.
What happened? What did go wrong?
It was decided after that awful and humiliating exchanged of messages that she would be home bound for the day. A lot of them remembered, didn’t he? Actually, she belonged to a family and they tried to pull her out from the chains. The sun was warmed on her day, she managed to smile but then she got lost. So, she reacted like a five year old who was lost in the mall. Her sibling scolded her but the source of the tears wasn’t actually that incident. The tears that she tried to suppress poured uncontrollably. ‘Shame on me!’ she exclaimed while pounding her chest.
Surprise? Why? And so he said for it was due to what she had done… She needed not be compensated for what she did because she gave to make others happy and it was not something others owed to her. Did she share to others and did sacrifices for her family because she expected to be repaid? What did these people know? They only judged her to be miserable and some poor case. How could she allow the situation now rob her sunshine smiles? So, the cake and all were because of something she did. She planned to treat everyone since it was been awhile since she went out with them. Didn’t he invite her to join the gang? Never mind, nobody would bother with what she felt anyways.
You know what was so painful for her? Little things could make her happy and every people who crossed hers were considered blessings. Friends and new acquaintances were gifts from Heaven for her, and she never failed the Almighty and said her prayers for them too. Perhaps, she might be old but part of her was always naive. Yet, her intuition whispered what was absolutely right.
He pushed her from the start and it was a mystery to her. Yet, she was not bitter with how he acted because she always cherished what she had wherever she set her foot at the moment. Instead she was being herself and it wasn’t for the show or to impress anyone. She still tried to be friends even they didn’t want her in. It was upsetting for her but she went on to find out what was going on… She knew it! Actually, she wasn’t as stupid as others portrayed her in their heads. People may judged her quickly to be emotional and such a drama queen but that who she truly was… She missed an old friend but didn’t he the reason why she needed to walk away in the past and be brought here?
Welcome to the labyrinth where she was stuck weeping alone wherein no one could hear and help her out. Unfair!!! It was an old friend’s fault for he showed him what it was like to be with a man in those borrowed moments. She wanted to take that courage, which turned into a trash and a BIG JOKE. For the first time in forever, she put herself into a shameful situation and people thought the worst of her. Besides, the truth was his celebration but it was a nuclear bomb tossed into her heart.
Yes, she cried every single day. As a matter of fact, she never slept last night and so many nights passed. Despite what she was feeling, she completed her tasks. God knew she was totally a mess and her tidy room was a huge rubbish bin. Her tears wouldn’t stop but it didn’t make her weak. Would she still be around on that day? Her heart is dying but she must fight the pain because her dreams must not perish for it all left of her.
She walked out from them but she ran back to their comfort because she knew them well. Thus, she reconnected to old friends to remind her what she used to be. “Don’t lose your jolly self!” an old friend sent her that message. “Be happy because that’s what you deserve,” her cousin added. “You know what grandma always pray every 3pm for the desires of your heart,” her sister said so.
“Let the desires of my heart be Yours,” she prayed while kneeling below the hanging cross of Christ. Even if she embarrassed herself and allowed to be mocked, her faith was still tact and still she wouldn’t cut her breath because of some game. No more singing but maybe just for now… Every time she would take that train, she wept inside thinking, ‘how can he possibly judge me wrongly when he never taken the chance of knowing me?’ She didn’t curse nor hate. She just pray for his welfare and draw his portrait. Of course, why would he care about what she was feeling? She never slept with him and she was not a prostitute. Moreover, in her veins flowed the blood of her father and all generations before her. Aside from that, she was not fond of deceiving or teasing men. The truth, she was always scared and shy; and she didn’t know how to act because winning men was not taught in school.
Her birthday? She told her father long time ago that there would be no more party after 18. Then, today she invited them. Or did they invite her to that pity party?
If only the cake could heal her broken heart and if only he tried to see, and for once in his life really learned his lessons…
After the cake was sliced, it was back to zero. She accepted and believed in heart that she could be their friend (although not super close or bffs) but they saw her as a stranger and a nobody. So, she felt that she had no place and never belonged to that room. The errors in their judgments made her feel worst than any bitch in the world. She never lied when she said that she spent her time at home, be with God and volunteer for His name.
Her friend said, “those in darkness are afraid of the light. Always tell yourself that it isn’t you lost.” They might not welcome her again but at least once in awhile she rejoiced even in that simple thought that she found friends in them. Then, in her childlike ways and all sincerity, she never judged them or scrutinized them same as they did.
Those she made special will forever be… Only God has the right to judge any of us!
by Melanie Martinez “Carousel”