There are no fairy tales.  What’s that word again??? Happy ending??? What a joke??? They said this and that… all lies… nothing real… no one really knows how it feels and what’s troubling inside.

I am capable of doing what other women can do… Then, does it count?  NO ONE JUST CAN SEE ME… NO ONE WANTS ME TO BE PART OF THEIR LIVES…. None of them is grateful that I can possibly be there and will never leave… None of them ever thought of me… none of them remembered…

Tired of dreaming or trying… I am nothing but a joke… No one takes me seriously!  As if I don’t really make a count in this world.  I feel dying each day…. Crying everywhere… if only they too can feel the pain…. Do I need anyone’s mercy??? I also know how to care and love…  and whatever comes with that package….

Somehow it’s just so sad…. the story I always want to write will never come to life…. the other half I kept within will remain in my head for the rest of my life.   Perhaps, this is not what I expected my life to turn out.

Part of me wants to say ‘stupid!’… part of me wants to just perish… but a great percentage doesn’t quit the fight and still clinging on faith that I can achieve more… I can do more… and I can be more… And if no one will be there, it will be just alright because finding my purpose matters above all…. That story will never be published…  It will remain on the pages of little girl’s journal who believed with all her heart that there’s someone across the star.

Who am I? In the memories of my friends, I was the bubbly and tough one.  I never cared about grades but I was good in making money.  In their memories, I laughed the loudest  and everyone’s cheerleader.  In the memories of my cousins and siblings, I was the one who was not out of tales, and the big sister who cared for everyone and someone they could run to… Siobe and the rest of them remembered me with a big smile… I wanted to be that same person…. The one who always made a different twists and jokes to every boring textbook stories in literatures….. The one who could laugh at anything and found humor in every little thing.  I hope in my father’s memory, I am the always be the happy daughter he raised and the one who had tons of tales to tell.

I spoke with Louie for long time.  He someone said, “Qua, remember the Mousetrap…”  The mousetrap, the most unreal of them all and that one was nothing but a dream.  Oh, they never forgot all my tales.  He added that there’s hope in that trap…. It was all but a fairy tale, the story I invented.

In reality, I belonged to no one…. NO ONE there and NO ONE who wants to be my friend for life.

I can be not just a friend, a colleague or a sister… I can be someone else too… I don’t wish anymore… Wishes don’t come true… Miracles??? I don’t know… My prayers don’t reach to HEAVEN… remain on earth that becomes my tears… Probably God is so busy caring for others and He can possibly overlooked me.

I don’t know what should do… I wanted to remain as the girl with a big smile in everyone’s memories… I don’t want to see me now. I don’t want anyone to see me sad because that’s not who I am… Life just robbed my smiles away and reality take away my humor… my hopes… and my heart who is willing to love others with all my heart…. it’s no one’s fault… maybe, i am the one always wrong for them… if only one can see that I exist too…

by Melanie Martinez “Pity Party”

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