Almost five minutes of total darkness, I was locked up. My phobia and trauma climbed to my spine. The scared inner child within dominated and I wept same was in my father was taken away from me. In that instant, it hit me that no one cared or bothered and I’m all just alone… I am no one’s business and I don’t exist!
Is my Christmas miracle a hoax or the God I believe is just a myth? For that moment, I am swallowed by my hopelessness. Am I really a horrible person or am I really hideous? Am I not easy to like? I composed stupidly in order to be ignored. The ghost in my past kept in returning in my head. His presence brought me evil and his memories gave me so much pain. I wanted to move forward and let go. I seek for forgiveness. Let bygones be bygones.
Will I blame him for the emotional turmoils that are torturing me everyday? Will I blame my faults that caused people to misjudge me? Am I really who I am? Am I just inventing a Frankenstein version of me? I expected so much. Not everyone is the same as him. Did he really see my goodness or took advantage with my weakness? All the questions boggling in my head… Was he really right that I am pushing people away? Am I really that terrible not to deserve anyone in my life?
In the midst of all the drama, I remembered that girl I used to be. She was full of hope talking at the stars believing that somehow and somewhere there’s you. It’s not only the voice in a dream but it’s the faith in my heart. I used to tell myself that you’ll pick me in the crowd and you’ll find it in your heart that I am worth than a million bitches.
I refused to move my butt from my bed. Oh my, I am even agitated with God and to all the saints I worship! Yet, I brought this things to myself. The people around me are not bad and I am truly blessed to have them in my life. The problem is I keep on returning to his memories and I can’t let go of something that isn’t mine. Probably, I keep on going on blaming that everything is my fault.
I pray for forgiveness for all the people I wronged and they’ll find it in their hearts that I am not so horrible after all. Not in an instant, but I will bring back my smile not because of someone else but because I deserve to be happy wherever I am. It’s alright if no one is like him and I won’t get same attention anymore. It’s alright to say that he’s gone.
I am not bad only troubled and miserable. Somehow, somewhere despite with what’s playing in my head… I still believe that you’ll come by and tell me that everything is just fine… You don’t exist in my writings… not in my imaginations and dreams. You’ll prove to all of them that my mother’s curse is untrue! You’ll tell me God answers and He listens in the right time.
by Mariah Carey “All I want for Christmas”