Don’t Be There Just in My Dreams

REminder to everyone: Disconnect to connect….


I prepared what I wore today.  A week ago, as I cleaned my room, my sister’s dirty old pair of shoes caught my attention.  I washed the shoes and set a schedule that I would wear them today.   Well, my old stuff were still alright to mix and match.  Be on style and keeping you in my dreams.

I woke feeling the clouds on my toes and sang silly tunes to myself.  How foolish it was when the little episodes in my sleep not only my entertainment but could give me a joyful heart wishing to be in love for real.  You were there in my dreams, the most good looking of them all!  You looked and smiled at me.  Touching me in the most romantic ways.   Lord, make this real!!! I beg you not to wake me up!  Damn, my alarm clock was such a spoiler!  I closed my eyes again and like every time you disappeared in reality.

Always in high-spirits!  Greetings everyone!  Ready to open my mouth…. Then, it hit me… Am I here?  Everyone was occupied with their phones.  Can I make a connection??? You know what, yesterday there were two insane people in the train: the plastic uncle and the ballerina auntie…. Want to hear the details??? Hey, everyone was so engage with their devices…. They’d rather input texts, send picture messages, stickers and emoticons… rather than make real conversation…. Ows!  As Archbishop William Goh said, adjust to others and accept them of who they are… Yet, I guess that it’s just too lonely when no one really wants to talk to you when you are prepared to make a conversation.

I’m glad mobile phones were not that accessible and easy to purchase when I was growing up.  If smart phones were around then, there would be no authentic connection and everyone would be enslaved by the networks who gained money from all of it…  Aside from that, it would probably make a lot of people delusional and only comfortable  when their photos are filtered.

Those were the good days when everyone wanted to listen to me.  I wouldn’t forget when I was eight when I first went up the stage.  I recited my piece entitled “The Happy Bee and the Sad Elephant” (Now, I am the combination of the happy bee and the sad elephant) in front a lot of people.  I also did “All Things Bright and Beautiful” a year after.  Well, thanks to that piece because someone rewarded me with money for out  of nowhere I recited it during my aunt’s working place’s outing.   I looked bashful but I was one daring little girl.

In the absence of mobile phones before, my cousins and sister enjoyed my stories.  I always invented the most creative and colorful games, and my being a weirdo contributed to their happy childhood memories.  My father listened to my queer ideas with his glass of beer… At school, I am usually quiet  and shy but my classmates and teachers encouraged me to speak. There was one time when I was assigned to read the mass reading in front of the entire school.  Oh, my friends laughed when I laughed…. my laughter was contagious and very loud.  My 8 months nephew even imitated my laugh.  If I am not there, the atmosphere wouldn’t be the same… I talked a lot or less… everyone wanted my presence.  I’m glad there was no Facebook, whatsapp, messenger and other apps last time because people were contented with who were there and they’d make connections and actually open their mouth to communicate.  Thank you cellphone and apps you didn’t exist because without you I existed…

It was heartbreaking when you had so much to say and your voice needed not to travel inside a box; yet, you’d never given then chance to talk.  Isn’t it hilarious because all these stuff were invented to improve communication and to connect people globally?  Yet, the funny thing is, we can connect to people who are not there and miles away from us but we can totally ignore the ones in front of us.  Words in messages can make us laugh but spoken words in real time and space can equally make you feel the same.  How many of you are guilty of being amused with words we read in our phones and other social media platforms in the web and totally overlooked the ones who wanted to speak with you?  We exist in the cyber world and we love it very much.  However, how blind are we not see that there are people around us whom are actually hurting because we fail to acknowledge their existence?  Why can’t we see who is really there???  Technology is bridging people around the world; yet, break the hearts of those who truly care for you and they somehow dwell in same room with you.   You can probably give likes and comments to someone’s profile pic or uploaded photos in Facebook.  But did you say something to someone who wants to look good for you and dwells the same place as you are?  You appreciate those selfie smiles but none of them were looking right at your eyes.  Those individuals were looking at their camera, hate to break it their eyes were set to themselves and never to you… Selfie is all about the ‘myself’ and one’s vanity and looking good of myself; and never about you who’s not even in the picture.  But you dissed the smiles you can see every time, whose eyes trying to catch yours and you just keep on turning away.   Stop looking at your phone and turn your head…. Maybe, that’s is real and waited for you her entire existence….

I cried so much because I felt sad and alone… envious in some sort of ways…. I kept on playing the ‘Spirit Song’ and other Christian songs recalling all the good things happened.  My VP was impressed for the plan I prepared for next year.  During the interview, I really didn’t want to talk but the school leader still asked me.  I gave my statements and views.  Afterwards, one of them approached and praised me with what I said.  Some of the kids appreciated me despite of my race and even if I came from a 3rd world country.  I did and contributed something.  I was thankful to God for my skills which improved through the years.  I thought of my drawings for the kids tomorrow during Catechism session.  I thought of the songs that I had to mix for the Christmas presentations for my other volunteer.  My dress for the mini-fashion and pattern were undone….. I have so many things to be occupied with and there are people who indeed see me.

Too bad for the first time in forever, I am not…. Well, sad to say, there’s always a first time in everything.  I am no fun, right? I am because that’s how you assessed me and its ten times heartbreaking.  I may come from a poor country but my heart is true and my intentions are pure. God gave so many skills and I am grateful for everything. Even if I am a woman, I am not an object and my private parts don’t signify my importance and worth in this world.  I have a functional brain and good heart.  Maybe, I don’t flirt because I am scared  all the time and don’t know what to do in expressing myself…. I am not comfortable of doing so…. I did try and it made me feel awful of myself… Maybe, I am old school but I am courageous enough to defy gravity.

Don’t be just there in my dreams when you can really make me happy…. Don’t be just there in my dreams when you can see the real me and you are there.  I want to wake up in the morning with you at my side…. Wake up beside you each day…. Am I really that hideous for you sight?  Is your criteria really difficult to meet?

No one was eating.  My boss told me to go down and gave me food.  God is good after all!  At least I have something to eat.

“Spirit Song”


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