Time check, it’s 4.21 am. Not sleeping. I hope that I didn’t wake up my landlord with the noise of my sobbing.
Yet, despite how hurt and badly broken, I managed to complete the drawings for the L3 kids. In between sobs, I was still able to draw the characters of Jesus’ parable entitled, “The Good Samaritan”. My tears probably stained the paper and how awful I coloured my drawings. Poor coloring materials, all my raged were released at them and applied so much pressure every time used them.
I hope the kids will appreciate my drawings and they’ll behave well too. I hope they’ll like my drawings because I am never good enough. For their sake, I drew again. I don’t really have the skills because the last portrait was a total failure. Maybe, I used my graphite pens wrongly, all I did was a total fail. My friend asked over the phone, why am I not cooking. Why? Because I am so stupid that my sandwich and scrambled eggs were a total disaster. I woke up around 4 am to have them done. I kept my words because I cared, and all I brought was my humiliation. The cup and the Milo, nobody wanted them. For the first time, I tried but I am never good enough. They always scared me and no one is actually there.
I kept on reading the messages my previous students wrote for me. The more I read the words, it turned out that they appreciated, described and praised someone else. Who is she? I wanted her back. I love my job and my volunteer works. I am contented with the cheap and on sale stuff that I can afford. I will never stop loving and praying for my family and friends. Somehow, it’s getting lonier each day and all my efforts are meaningless. No matter how strong I am, I can be weak too.
My writings are all crap and my accent is really bad. I wanted to be me and being is unacceptable. People indirectly pushing me to hate what I love of being me. I told myself jus shut up. No one wants to listen. All I ever wanted is to love with all my heart and every inch of me…. it’s impossible because no one is there… if there is, I am never good enough.