Never Be Good Enough

Time check, it’s 4.21 am.  Not sleeping.  I hope that I didn’t wake up my landlord with the noise of my sobbing.

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Yet, despite how hurt and badly broken, I managed to complete the drawings for the L3 kids.  In between sobs, I was still able to draw the characters of Jesus’ parable entitled, “The Good Samaritan”.  My tears probably stained the paper and how awful I coloured my drawings.  Poor coloring materials, all my raged were released at them and applied so much pressure every time used them.

I hope the kids will appreciate my drawings and they’ll behave well too.  I hope they’ll like my drawings because I am never good enough.  For their sake, I drew again.  I don’t really have the skills because the last portrait was a total failure.  Maybe, I used my graphite pens wrongly, all I did was a total fail.  My friend asked over the phone, why am I not cooking.  Why? Because I am so stupid that my sandwich and scrambled eggs were a total disaster.  I woke up around 4 am to have them done.  I kept my words because I cared, and all I brought was my humiliation.   The cup and the Milo, nobody  wanted them.  For the first time, I tried but I am never good enough.  They always scared me and no one is actually there.

I kept on reading the messages my previous students wrote for me.  The more I read the words, it turned out that they appreciated, described and praised someone else.  Who is she?  I wanted her back.  I love my job and my volunteer works.  I am contented with the cheap and on sale stuff that I can afford.  I will never stop loving and praying for my family and friends.  Somehow, it’s getting lonier each day and all my efforts are meaningless.   No matter how strong I am, I can be weak too.

My writings are all crap and my accent is really  bad.  I wanted to be me and being is unacceptable.  People indirectly pushing me to hate  what I love of being me.  I told myself jus shut up.  No one wants to listen.  All I ever wanted is to love with all my heart and every inch of me…. it’s impossible because no one is there… if there is, I am never good enough.

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