Where Do I Go from Here?

I am a total wreck and my apologies to everyone for all the disappointments. I don’t mean to be indifferent and I want to be there for all those significant occasions. Sorry for not showing up when you want to share your happiness with me. Perhaps, I am far to be reached and aloof; hiding in my self-constructed monastery. Shielding myself from my fears; yet, only enduring the heartbreaking reality of my age. When I return to the past, I have all the most beautiful and fun memories with those wonderful people who were like my family and more than my friends. I met the most amazing creations who were there and appreciated me even if I tried less.

Gone those days when I could make everyone happy… and laugh and laugh and laugh… I wish to return to my old self. Likewise, I let the devil stepped into my life and tampered my faith and hopes. So, I’ll say goodbye to all the smiles. I’m just so grateful to create collections of great memories that somewhere in the past I was an amazing, loving and joyful person whom a lot of people cherished.

So, I won’t be there again as expected. I don’t where to go anyway and if all my efforts really matter. I don’t know that I’ll turn terrible and it’s the least that I expect that I will be alone. If I had the chance to fast forward my life then and see myself where I am now, I should have not wish for the impossible in stead be brave enough to grab the chances of my heart or continued the friendship of the almost perfect men whom I used to know.

Then, I wouldn’t be here meeting on the road the devil’s comrade. He had the sweetness of the angel but wrapped with his selfish intentions. To top it all, I wouldn’t be in the room where I would never be noticed and not even once be appreciated. My heart wouldn’t weep… Whatever my mother said and presumptions were incorrect… When she thought she was right, everything was wrong… and when she was wrong, they were just right….

I’m sorry to all the people who wanted me to be there but I will not show even if I can. Forgive me if I will not reply because I don’t want this anymore. I will do my best with what is expected of me for the sake of survival and to profit from my skills. This is what’s left of me. I will improve and try so hard…. But in the matter of the heart, I will never ever again. Indeed, it’s never mine to keep even if how pure my intentions and truthful I am.

I only pray that little by little, I will return to who I used to be… I miss my smiles and laughter… and the fun of being weird… I should remember how to crack a joke and to do my unusual recipe… I am the toughest!!!

The ones who used to see me are only the memories of my youth and yesterday. I never drew them but they were real. Then, I never cried because of them but they were always concern with my welfare…  Someone waiting… someone calling… someone who simply cared.  I never tried so hard but they were just there. Once upon a time, I did exist but I left to be alone in the room where no one is there.

Sorry again to a very special friend.  I can’t make it on that day because miracles is limited edition and none is intended for me.  I wish to be there but I’m sorry if I can’t…  It is the most important event of your life as so as to the many friends all dear to me, my presence always nowhere to be found.  Perhaps, you all wondered why and what happened to me… I too wonder the same.  I only keep on praying to return to be me.

“Seasons in the Sun” by Westlife


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