Browsing for recipe online, I was determined to follow my parents’ footsteps that I could be a good cook too. I should start somewhere, it runs in the genes after all. If my brothers could do it, I am of no exemption. In stead of analyzing logic gates, I tried to understand the uniqueness of every ingredient and the significant role fire played in the whole process. With a sunny face and humor, I proclaimed to my friends, “I am ready for my soon-to-be!!!” We laughed, I made their dining experience a happy one same I usually did with my family as I grew up. The table wouldn’t be boring in my presence. What??? Who??? I don’t recall that girl anymore.
Shoes here, clothes there… I wanted everything in order and I must schedule cleaning every week. No dusty room, please!!! My place should be neat and adorned with cute stuff, which defined how creative and lively I am. Always in cheap style. Yet, it cheered me up and gave delight to my heart. I draw, pray, read and write for extra time. I even produce animation for fun. Singing is not my hobby. I have a horrible voice and I can’t hit the notes. What’s going on? Where all cute stuff goes? What’s with the mess? OMG, pedicure and manicure missing!!! The crib of bliss turned to be a monster’s horrifying place with that awful crying and singing sounds.
What’s with the drama? What’s with the long face? You forgot what Papa said??? You look beautiful because you always share a smile? What’s with the inner torture? You are the bravest… Stop acting like you’re a drama queen! You’re terrible in crying…
How? I entered the room where my existence is unknown. I have no voice. I heard and seen, and pretended not to know even if I understood what was going on. The door shutted down. I tried to be welcomed but the ring leader was disgusted of me. My head wouldn’t function and my tasks uncompleted. I felt the torment of being there but invisible. I should tried hard to be liked but I am bad of faking. They all scared most of the time but I taught myself to be comfortable. I showed who I am, which was the biggest mistake I ever did. The chief was pissed of me and despised my presence. Despite all his disapproval, I cared and willing to share my love. But, the chief was headstrong and his heart sealed. Then, he decided to fly off somewhere to be united with a goddess, the fairest and most perfect. The festival he planned with excitement and I am not invited. It’s alright, I understand that I am not welcome at all.
Am I the one who I used to know? Not in that room… it is the room where I am someone whom I don’t know. I even forgot how to talk a lot and crack a joke. I should greet everyone, not ignore them… I did or they do…. When was the last time I smiled? When I taught I could learn to love again, I entered inside and found myself in the room of shattered dreams. What is loneliness? I can’t define it before but where I am now I endure its definition. Don’t come in to the ROOM OF SHATTERED DREAMS where I am the ugliest, undesirable, horrible and the cursed overacting drama queen….