I cried endlessly, wondering ‘why you refused to see me and how special you are to me?’ Then, I answered my question with the rules set by culture and society. I looked at the mirror for a very long time, how unpleasant is the color of my skin. Indeed, I am rooted from a different land and not a single drop of blood the same as yours. I gasped, what’s with the race? How old am I? What’s my height and weight? Perhaps, love is about figures and numbers; and where you come from…
I wanted to treat you as the most special creation in the world. You are more than a king to me and my eyes are all fix towards you. I am not the kind who wants to count on how many men I am with. I don’t go online and outside to shop for men. Come what may… Then, you were there in close proximity and I got to know you. I was at ease with being around you and with that my heart was alive again. I kept pushing myself that it was alright and take it easy that I wouldn’t scare you in the process.
The day I walked into that door, I was a broken girl who was badly scarred in the past. You wouldn’t expect me flirting immediately when I am trying to make myself feel comfortable. Each day, I wanted to be in the place with a touch of home. I transformed my gloomy table into Paris Hilton’s hub and decorated the place a bit. Of course, it was unappreciated… So girly!!! What an eyesore!!! I placed the notes I received last time to remind me who I used to be in other’s eyes. Thus, every time I am sad, I scanned those words written by them to cheer me up. Suddenly, it highlighted me that I am no longer that person those people used to know. From being joyous with a big smile, I am transformed to another Grumpy. From the girl a lot of people wanted to be with, I became the witch in an isolated castle. No one bothered and nobody cared. However, I always do even you kept on slamming the door.
I convinced myself that I am perfectly fine. Yet, knowing that at this moment you are in there while I am here makes me wish to disappear for good. Always the unwanted and unappreciated. I am tired of being forgiving, caring, cool, thoughtful, helpful, generous, loving, strong, humurous, jolly and kind… those qualities are undesirable! I hate my choice of clothing… My attires are no longer the source of my happiness and they can’t cheer me up. To sum it up, I am good for nothing… the confidence and strength in me all sucked up as if I am a trash. The values I grew up and lived by are all false.
So you are there by now and occupied with all the planning. You are having a feast living like a king with your faraway queen. Your laughter echoes through the hills reaching to my heart that triggers my tears. The weather is perfect for the long trip, your happiness overflowing to the seas and its waves hit me like a tsunami of daggers. Today is the happiest day of your life and you will not return. All possibilites perished into nothingness. You’ll be smiling happily on your way back. Of course, you won’t talk to me and I don’t exist in your sight. ‘Hey, I am here!’ my tiny voice will yell out for your attention. You’ll flee the room or come back and forth, seeing nothing as if I am INVISIBLE. So, I lost not only you but who I am too… the real me is gone…. from unlimited friends to NOBODY’S FRIEND….