Game Over for Me :(

I dialed my friend’s number with teary eyes and she heard not my laughter but my sobs for the first time.  I asked her, ‘am I not good enough?’  Maybe I can’t draw at all and I didn’t deserve the perfect grade my teacher gave me.  Maybe it’s only my illusion that I can write and my research teacher’s remarks and the score he gave were not for real.  I am not good in anything I do.  I can’t make a sandwich or scrambled eggs.  I sucked in giving gifts.  Stupid girly girl… Everybody hates the sight of my table!!! And those artworks I displayed were pieces of shame and junks!!! Darn for being generous and thoughtful!!! I am worthless and very unattractive!  Who will lay eyes on me? I have nothing to show off.  I only worked hard for what I owned… All the extra courses I have, no one paid for me.  No one will give me money.  I can’t afford a dowry.  I have nothing, no wealth to offer. I only have me, myself and I.   I am not a single mother or a prostitute.  Yet, I also need someone whom I can touch and just be there.

My friend asked, ‘you are not who you think you are… Don’t be hard on yourself!”

My other friend said, ‘please, are you sure? You’re one special girl!’

I am not a gamer.  Never played such game in my life.  I tried and did what I could.  I learned from experience and leveled up quickly.  I wasted money for gems to get strong units.  Yet, I won’t be as strong as my units and like my squad I will never good enough.  I defeated all Meccha Gods and made it through the third trial without watching tutorial in YouTube.  I completed the quests…. I did what I could do still I am not good enough… Others don’t play but they win… I am influenced to play to be just a joke… I don’t know how to play and I am always be the loser… So, it’s game over for the one who is not interested with the game is the champion!!!

It’s game over! I AM DONE! The joke and the hopeless!!! The story I thought I can write will never be written because it will never happen.  Dreams are just dreams… You only kiss, embrace me and more, only in my dreams.

I thought I am prepared to make breakfast for someone special, and learn to cook meals and more dishes.  Then, take care with that person if he falls sick.  I will shop and repair his clothes, and sew pajamas.  I can take a lot of pictures of him. Finally, the first portrait on my canvas!!! The old school love letters and handmade cards on some random occasions.  Someone I can support, I am loyal to and whom I can submit my being.  Someone whom wants me there and needs me too.  I don’t mind the chores as long as you are there…. Someone whom I can tickle, make laugh and smile ear to ear… 

That someone is no one… He will never exist because it’s game over for me.  

I played for the pimples and the broken heart.  I miss the cheerful, humurous and happy Gen.  Please, return… Remember the girl whom you used to be even if it’s game over, life goes on… The one who loses actually wins!



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