Were the white tulips draw me to the church? Or was it my devious friend which the serpent possessed that day tempted me to go in? What a special day indeed! It was my tragedy. The church crumbled and all angels fell down. I prayed so hard and wished for so long only to be present in the occasion I am the uninvited and pitiful case. I was not furious with God when He stole my Papa from me. Nonetheless, in that particular day, I despised Him so much. His mercy was for another and He never heard me after all. Most of those people there were aware and they knew me. I was the laughingstock and the joke glued on my flesh through eternity.
Who was Lochinvar? It was the era, which I would never return. His arrogance always filled the air. He never wanted me even as a friend; yet, I was begging to Heavens to aid me. Then, the next thing I knew, many summers passed still he was far from my reach. He made me feel that he was out of my league. The beauty queens triumphed, the witty ones were welcomed and the thrones were for the rich. He only behold with his eyes not with his heart, and he wouldn’t give a damn with my crowning glory. I went on believing and never discouraged. Every time Lochinvar passed by, he never turned his back and I was there but I didn’t exist. For him, I was worst than a nightmare, a frog he wouldn’t kiss and the girl with no inheritance. He had all the wealth of the world and he could afford anything. On the other hand, I am the girl who skipped eating during recess time because I am saving my allowance to buy second hand books. So, Lochinvar vanished for it was the conclusion of his journey there. He left but he didn’t bring along the horrible feeling inside.
Moreover, I was not a quitter even five years passed. I found a way to have that chance ( I managed to use my connections). Nonetheless, I wore my cowardice coat. It was the last dropped call and the last dramatic SMS sent. I didn’t show up where I was supposed to be expected because we were still like water and oil. He topped his exam in a prestigious school and landed a job in an established company. I was the radical who was so outspoken about the rotten fruits in the society. Did I stammer when I made my complains? Nope. My conscience even failed to stop me from hurting the most wonderful girl in the world whom considered me as her best friend. I was never been a loner, people wanted me to belong with them. Not out of stock when in terms of friends, happiness resting at the palm of my hand. I am not yet ready for I have nothing while he had everything. He accomplished so many things despite her young age. How could I face him then? I blew my chance but not a single tear of regret dropped… I thought that last wouldn’t end. So, God had His way of disappointing me for He led me to the church where I saw how he smiled beautifully while my tears blinded my sight.
Lochinvar, the person I am now is hundred times better than the girl you used to know. Hey, my skills in art has improved too. I tried to draw portraits but your face faded in my memory and my sketches showed someone else. Yet, isn’t it same story as it was before? How can I be visible when I am not seen? OMG! I probably achieved a little and gained something from the fruits of my labor. My house isn’t a mansion and my piece of land is not big enough for farming. Lochinvar, will you give a damn if I cry to sleep every night and my sobs are my lullabies? When I thought I am ready and it’s alright, you were revived in the presence of someone else. I started to slowly surface what lies beneath and be brave once more. When I am willing to welcome and unlock my heart, I became just a joke.
A new century with another Lochinvar, the one who’ll never turn his back at me. The ridicules behind the door and no mercy bestowed to someone like me. I don’t belong anywhere. I am exhausted of always being there for my family, none of them really considered my efforts and sacrifices. Does any one of them have any idea what are the burdens in my chest? Lochinvar won’t bother, his life is perfectly fine. Who’s this darn girl who is totally nothing compared to his princess? He will be relief if she’ll starve to death so that to get rid from his sight. ‘Duh!’ Who told her to skip meals again? What a nuisance I am!!! He’ll probably say ‘why get hurt?’ Then, my reply will be ‘let’s trade places’. It is all about the money and the position as usual; and looks always matter.
My artworks, all rubbish… My thoughtfulness, waste of his time… Knocking at the door where no one is there. So that another day again, my tragedy.
by Men at Work “Overkill”