… Learn to Love Again….

don't cry it loud

… learn to love again… how??? When I am willing to do so, I only ended up breaking my heart… My drawing was not good enough. No one really appreciates my drawing. I will never draw and write again…. My father brought me in the belief that goodness and skills could move mountains. False, in this world, you’ve got to deceive and fool others to win them. Who’ll give a damn with honesty??? The values I grew up with are such a brouhaha in reality. I believed in my father and obeyed him all the way to the end. He raised me to be a woman, no one ever wanted and whatever I did or do wouldn’t matter at all. He taught me to be true to myself, smile all the time, love others, humble down, have faith in God, loving my home and always be strong. “Count on no one but yourself,” he said. “You’re as brilliant as others,” he added. Yet, they only chose those who are weak, financially dependent and young. Does anyone send me money or give me anything to get what I want? Nope, I work hard and manage my expenses to own whatever I possessed. No one wanted the kind of woman that I am!!! I don’t flatter, I say the truth. I do care and give because that’s who I am… I don’t lie and pretend to get anyone….  I only see with my heart and everyone is uniquely beautiful in my sight.

Who said I am unwilling to share all of me and I don’t want anyone closer to peek everything in me? You’re incorrect!!! You know I can but you chose someone else…

It was the longest conversation I had with my friend, I missed her so much. The more I spoke, the revelations of the past went on. I never lied to anyone, I only kept secrets. Sometimes it’s better to keep the truth and conceal what I really feel because that’s who I am. I conceal in my dresses and high heels, the heartaches and pains. I am honest. I always give the right answer. Why should I be in the place that can only hurt me? You don’t have to understand the language to get it. You don’t dig into the context to comprehend what people really mean. The bookshop story and the investment… meeting the lucky girl whom a friend introduced… I am uninterested.  I stared at the emptiness and I wanted to perish and throw up my food. The sparkle in my eyes suddenly disappeared.

I didn’t pretend, I am only hiding because the monster in the past scared me with the pains he brought into my life. Yet, those pains brought me someone who was always there… called me and sent me messages from time to time and concerned if I ate my meals. He brought me to places and when he was with me, he wouldn’t answer any messages or entertain any calls. No messages left not replied and no missed calls not returned. He was at home, office, walking, driving… anywhere he was… he was willing to talk… All his various numbers registered in my phone.

Those pains, ironically made me smile with twinkling eyes and not caring how the world would judge me. Not now, I smiled with a hole in my soul. I don’t know what hurt me the worst the past or the present… When I proclaimed that I am willing to move out from the monster’s crib, I only ended in the present when I am left with no friends… Then, it made me realize that, there was no other one liked that monster. He ought to be my angel. However, I am not fool enough to ignore those horns. Yeah, it was unreal and it didn’t mean anything at all. Yet, every time I am ignored and indirectly being shut up…. I always return to the monster’s crib in my memory begging him to return and show them that he actually existed and he got the looks. Should I accepted that deal or didn’t move out from the old school? He never gave up on me despite my indifference and even I walked out several times—

I wouldn’t be here where I am invisible and everything I did unappreciated. My messages never the priority and I turned out to be a dude whose units in the game are not powerful enough to go forth. My aunts encouraged me to draw for they love to have and sell my works. I can’t. I don’t want anymore. What my skills are for??? No one appreciates anything that I am capable of doing!!! I am only the friend. Always the friend.

I played the game in my phone with tears flowing from my eyes inside my ride. I will never be good enough!!! I am only bound to my responsibilities and no one will ever set me free. I existed in the lyrics of the song, I won’t be able to come out. I want to belong into your arms but you look at me and see someone else.

Will I really learn to love again just to break my heart all over and over and over and over again??? Not talking and not caring anymore.  Just be the friend but I won’t still not attend even if the best caterer will prepare the food.

So, it’s all about sightseeing… nutrients of the eyes but never the heart… The heart gives chances to what can only break me!!! Thank God, I am where I was because someone cute spoke to me today.  Oops, what’s with the panic mood!!! I told my friend that I’m back to high school with school girl crushes. Hmmm…. how different am I from my kids?  Will I tell them welcome to the adult world where love sucks???

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