I’m Not that Girl

from Wicked, ‘I’m Not that Girl’

Perhaps, I am quiet and shy at the beginning but I do care.
Perhaps, I am focus with my work for I needed to do my best because this is all I have. I am financially independent and my ambition doesn’t fade with time. I am certain that I’ll go far in the future. God knows, I am into adventures. Yet, I have to manage my earnings. I’m not the type who spends what I don’t have.

My way of dressing up is very creative for I want to leave my place appreciating myself even if other people won’t agree with me. I am wearing cheap and the ones on sale. Some of my clothes are second hand, other people’s garbage is definitely my treasure.

When I was in school, I couldn’t wait to get out there and earned money from the fruits of my labor. Perhaps, there were few boys I charmed in my past.  Yet, I felt undeserving because according to society’s standards I am not pretty and not that smart. Thus, I was contented with my father’s love because for his standards I look good and I am brilliant. So, I let what I could have slipped away because to commit into my goals was my priority than to commit to anyone. Indeed, at a young age, I made a choice.  Likewise, there were still a lot of boys from different age, places and time who had nothing better to do with their youth and enjoyed disturbing me. Few were clever to move my heart.  But, I chose my silence, my cowardness and I was the one who always got away. I made it clear that there was no turning back.

When I was firmed that I wouldn’t need a man, he walked in and broke the walls I built around me. It was NOT the smartest and right thing to do. Nonetheless, I am tired of using my head. I told myself, ‘give it a break, be a dumb bitch just this once!’. I decided to make that mistake and let my obsession ate my brain out. I turned out to be a stranger, my own monster. I am unhappy because I turned out to be someone I am not. So, I unchained myself and set him free though it was breaking me.

  
Now, that he was gone I felt so empty and needed a man. There you were but I am not that girl you wanted. When I looked at you, you never looked into my eyes. I don’t even think that you appreciated my kindness and the little things I did. All you wanted me to do was only to play the game, I felt like a boy. Yeah, I am hooked into it and when I asked about the game, the message was ignored and one time, the response was rude. I was upset coz u expected me to read all those stuff as if I am some gamer when in fact it was my first time. Thanks to your friend, he explained very well. The truth was, I am just like a child who looked forward with what others said. I am excited to be in the cinema with you and the rest of the gang. Then, the first time was my last and the recent one you invited the girl before me. Perhaps, the girls before me are much better in making friends and they don’t have accent like mine.

It’s true that I don’t socialize anymore and I banned myself from FB. I only know how to volunteer to help others and for God’s sake. I’m not into those stuff because of desperation in hooking up with the opposite sex. The truth is, I am lonely and like other women, I also need a man to hold when the evenings turned out to be cold. I tried all the possibilities and met few but the heart wants who it wants. And it so happened that I am not that girl whom you wanted to embrace and kiss all day long.

I am one queer girl. I only draw and write. The guy I used to know indirectly said that it would take a God to move me. Another one said, only a valiant man can have me. Nope, I don’t need a God and a hero. I want to be with a man who wants me and allows me to love him. You can be that boy but I am not that girl.

Sorry if I kept quiet. I am just so disappointed at myself to want a boy who wants another girl but not me. I tried to be brave again for you and willing to give it all. Yet, you indirectly pushed me to the man of my past whom I wanted to completely erase. So, I reminded myself that I only love him and there’s no one else… Nevertheless, I considered another try too bad that I am not that girl and you can’t see me to be that girl…

  

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