Dearest Viv,

A sunny day today and the joys of the chirping birds made my heart smile.  Each day is a miracle and what will unfold is a mystery.  Nonetheless, what do you know… In just a split of second, I am crushed and made up my mind.   Nope, I am out of tears and friends.  I chose it to be this way.  NO ENTRY INTO MY WORLD!!!

No complaining.  I am not talking.  No more words.  This is my battle.  No one’s baggage.  Viv, are you are fully aware that I get exhausted too?  I don’t want to need what isn’t intended for me because it will only open the gates of hell again.  The devil is everywhere tempting me to commit sins.

I guess it’s alright, no bonus for me.  What’s the extra for when it will be just my burden?  Bonus or burden?  Duh, my ears will bleed listening to the blasts of Coldplay, Green Day, Red Hot Chili Pepper, Guns n’ Roses…..  I’d rather let the noise go to my eardrums so that I will never ever hear the whisper of my heart all over again.

Even my father lied to me… Giving me false hopes of having the gift that isn’t really for me.  What did I ever receive?  A canvas in the wind, which I’m unable to paint on my masterpiece.  No matter what I did and how many times I tried, they were all taken by the air.  I am all about the joke, which ain’t funny at all.
Big girls don’t cry. I am brave and it’s alright to be alone.  It’s fine… I can still polish my nails, make new clothes, walk on stilettos  and style my hair.  Nothing is wrong. Is it?????  I can still paint and write, plus take beautiful pictures.  Yet, why did I throw my palette, easel and canvas?  Why all my drafts turned out to be pieces of junks?  Did I let my DSLR grow fungus in the corner of my room? Yeah, there are so many things I can do with my life…. But who give a damn???

Viv, what are the colors of the rainbow?  I don’t recall how it looks like.  The last one I saw was before Papa fallen ill.  If he didn’t leave so soon, we would stroll on it.  Life would be simple, not as complex as now.  Then, I’d know in my heart that despite my aloofness, indifference and imperfections, his love would remain… unchanging and never fading.

Viv, don’t you ever get tired of dreaming?  Have you found your purpose? Did you ever attempted writing that book?  Will you ever paint again?  What happen to the beautiful pictures?  Always invisible… at the corner… a wallpaper….

Do you remember the girl who loved to tell tales?  She was not out of stories, loved by the crowd, a star of her show.  Nonetheless, when the limelight was out and the curtains were down… she was gone.  Nobody cared and no one bothered.  Or was it the other way around?  Was she wearing a mask all the time and pretended to be the clown with the loudest laughter?  Yeah, she could conceal with make-up the traces of tears on her cheeks.   Nonetheless, she couldn’t hide that her eyes were out of glow and beyond her big smile were the longings of her soul.  What do you know?  She’ll never talk again…. Never caring again… It’s always safe to be in her invisible monastery.

Viv, what do you know?  This is it…. and so I spent it anyway… No more signs… I dreamed and tried.  Perhaps, this is how the story goes and how I wanted the conclusion be….

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