Perhaps, I never loved at all

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What is love?
When I was eleven, I wrote on my friend’s slam book ‘love is God for God is love’.

When I was fourteen, I scribbled on my journal that love is the spark in my heart in the presence of the object of my desire.

At sixteen, I feared love and prayed to God… ‘Don’t let me love because I needed to finish my degree without distractions. I wanted Papa to be proud of me’. I defined love then as a destroyer of dreams and a loser’s dead song.

At eighteen, the options were many but no one could melt me. Somehow few of them who were difficult to ignore and in their ways they caught my attention. Nonetheless, I remained unattached. I defined love as ‘it is a decision, only a choice… the option exclusive for fools!’ In my feminist world, boys were jerks and I didn’t care with any of them…. I could also do what they could…

In my twenties, love turned out to be a joke, I wept instead of laughing loud. I am stubborn as always. I didn’t cling to love and let go with what I could have. Was love greater than my dreams? If I chained myself a decade ago, would I be here composing this post?

Did I actually let the opportunities love slip in my fingers for several occasions? When I thought I wouldn’t love at all, I gave it a shot. Then, played the role of a bad girl to fulfill my curiosities and fantasies. I gambled with the wrong card, I am not a cheater and a thief. For I am always be the good girl whom my father raised.

Perhaps, all I wanted was to write… Did I mean what I said??? Of course, if given the chance… Nonetheless, circumstances were not on my side.

Perhaps, I never loved at all because I always wished for the impossible… Will it be late for me? Will you see me in a different way? Did you concluded that I am some girl who could only dress up with empty head? Will you look at me beyond my clothes and shyness???? For I am actually easily anxious and timid girl who wanted to know you more…

What is love??? Now that I am older, I am wiser but I can’t define love at all… Phrasing it’s meaning is not that easy as how it used to be…

What is love? Will you define it for me?
What is love? You are… love

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