The friendship I most cherished and treasured, the kind that blooms once in my lifetime and perpetually I’ll lock inside my heart still exists only clouded with pride. Since this woman from the underprivileged corner of the globe had extensive dreams was failed by the turn of events of God’s scheme. I am not one of those with the gift of physical beauty that can charm and tempt wealthy men to elevate their status in the society. My bloodline’s name bears no influence as easy passport to land a high earning job in any industry of my choice. Indeed, I only have my skills and talents as my keys to my target and weapons for survival. Nonetheless, welcome to my adult world, whereby I was forced to hibernate and dwell in tears inside the box of misery.
My hopelessness was slaughtering me everyday. When I was not out there, I felt worthless as my skills had no place in the world. God knows, how committed and dedicated I was with what I am doing. Challenges, pressure and stress had no effect on me because I enjoyed and loved my work. No one despised me in my working place. Everyone appreciated my contributions and they were grateful of my existence. Yet, in a blink of an eye, I lost everything and everyone even if I wanted to hold them forever.
Despite of my sorrow, I kept myself busy to cheer me up and to take my mind out from the reality of my wretched situation. Even if my two PCs were not working, I managed to come out with digital pieces in forms of image quotations or greetings using online editor with my bro’s laptop or the apps of my mother’s phone. If I got tired of reading, I drew using graphite or pastel colors. I practiced cooking some dishes (when I still had the money) for my sister. Above all, I had my blog as the platform of my unheard voice. Each day in those lonely and my lowest moments, I created a number of digital and manual art and literary pieces, and published in my blog.
In this cyber world, I felt no one noticed my works and just kept on creating to express myself not caring if I would get views or my page would be visited by anyone. If I did so because that was my only means of keeping someone special in my heart alive. I couldn’t get him off my head, the reason there were watermarks of him in most of my pieces and my writings were all indirectly addressed to him. It was my way of reminding myself that somewhere he existed and I would go through even if it would take a long run. My works of art were the closest things personally crafted to feel him near and the light that gave me reason to smile with the sun. Though you hated me so much due to my works of art, those were the stuff that made me feel relief for at least I could pretend I am heard and there was some hidden space I could breath and fall in love all over again.
Moreover, all my works of art were pieces of junks and they were so evil for they made me appear bad and someone who didn’t deserve anyone’s trust. My evil works of art murdered my heart and caused me to weep daily. Each day I am bothered and repeatedly asking myself ‘why did I let the longings of my heart over shadowed my sane thinking that I ceased to consider someone else?’. My evil works of art put me into this place wherein I suffered and felt bad of myself for what I have done. Everyday I prayed for forgiveness for the actions I couldn’t undo. I couldn’t find the words to say so that I would be heard. I kept on apologizing and uttering my sorry but no one was listening. I AM NOT A BAD WOMAN! I don’t need to justify my claims to anyone for God knows me so well. I fought and worked hard to get where I am now only not to rejoice but to sink into the fountain of my tears.
My creative way of expressing myself turned out as the most mindless and stupid moves for making me feel like this. I hated being a drama queen but it is just so painful inside. Morning and night I kneel in front of my miniature altar to seek for forgiveness. However, my works of art are too evil that even God, the angels and saints refused to help me. Yet, I wanted them to see how sorry I am for feeling that way during the dark times and for the unnecessary actions done. I feel so awful of myself. My conscience won’t leave me in serenity and the stone in my heart is getting heavier everyday. AM I REALLY EVIL for I deserve not to be forgiven? I humbly admitted my errors. Will my mistakes erase my good deeds?
Lord, hear me…
I AM SORRY FOR WHAT I DID
WISH I SHOULD HAD KNOWN BY THAT TIME BEING
MY APOLOGIES FOR ALL MY EVIL WORKS OF ART
IT WAS NOT MEANT TO HARM ANYONE
I BEG FORGIVENESS FOR MY MISTAKES
GIVE IT SOME TIME AND FIND IT IN YOUR HEART
DON’T MAKE ME FEEL THAT I AM A BAD PERSON
I ONLY WANT TO SURVIVE AND BE WHO I AM
BE THERE FOR OTHERS AND LOVE FOREVERMORE…
By Backstreet Boys ” I WANT It that Way”