My boss called my attention when I arrived late and he was very concerned with was going on with me…
There you were at the lower floor together with a young girl, so proud of your conquest. Then, you passed by again with another young girl smiling while putting your arms around her. The girls’ faces changed from one to another but they were all younger. I looked at the old photograph of that serious school boy wearing specs. It was hard to believe that he was you and why you needed to change this way. I am aware of my age and how would I know if I were lame, lousy and unpleasing or if I studied the wrong materials. All I cared that you were there and you knew it all and I was the happiest girl in the world.
Even in that dream I am broken, I walked out and an elderly lady begged me to stay for you. She looked like the digital image I used to draw, maybe someone relevant to you… We exchanged smiles and had mutual understanding. I ran home looking for Papa. Mama said he was away for awhile but I kept on yelling out for his name. He came and apologized “I’m sorry, I cannot come on that day”. I insisted that he should be around. Yeah, right that day, which will take a miracle to happen. In my sadness, my father woke me up with a smile.
I QUIT… I will return home… Then, I won’t end up here…
I slept around 2am crying and woke up around 5.30am crying again. I forced myself to sleep for I have no courage to face the world. My heart was so heavy to carry on. How easy it was to be wrecked by someone you cared so much. Perhaps, you wanted to ask the big why and just repeatedly say sorry for him to response… Insane. Crazy. How can I move forward when I am in the old place that was part of you? I had been through a lot but I was resilient, the devil failed to ruin my soul. Yet, how easy it was for old photographs and memories to drain me out of my energy. I am my old self— workaholic, cheerful and carefree… Somehow, the hole in my heart grew bigger and anytime it will take my breath away.
8 am. I left home. I am expected to work and responsibilities to complete. I am late and met the P on my way out after logged in for my attendance. (OMG 😦 )
When I reached the office, my colleague sent me a message asking my whereabouts and I am expected at the boss’ office. I spoke with my boss, not at his cubicle and we settled outside. He was concerned and asked me if something was bothering me. I couldn’t fake it and he noticed that I was upset yesterday and I was so absent-minded that I left some important document on his table. He mentioned that yesterday afternoon, a colleague saw me (crying maybe while walking or when I was at the bench at the park) and immediately alerted him. He said I couldn’t take away everything and I must do what I needed to fulfill. He asked again. In my mind, ‘should I tell him? Maybe, he’ll recall you…’ (in time..) God! I am unaware of people around me and how concerned they were of my welfare.
I am here because I deserved it. It’s not my fault if I am fond of drawing or writing. It’s not incorrect to creative! I know I am strong, no matter how broken, I will dream on and do my best. I may not the answers but if you’ve come to your senses, I am here. Meet me at your old place, flooded with the memories of your youth.
I don’t want to live but I have to survive. God gave me skills and talents to share with others. I don’t want to fail anyone. Besides, I won’t take away again, what I really enjoy and love on doing. Even if I were not any of those girls, I know in my heart that there’s nothing wrong with being me. I THANK God for I am awake and He gave me understanding boss and colleagues. I should get scolding for being late. He understood because it was my eyes were swelling with the marks of tears on my cheeks. I looked unusually dressed with no powder on, as if I am not ready for work. I had teary eyes when he spoke at me but I kept it to myself. But, I said it all to my friend—–