I Love U Even More

  I know this girl, she’s actually the household help in the place I am renting.  Since I am out from the laborers’ field, I stay all the time in the house and I am updated with the affairs of her heart.  She has a relationship way back home but she’s currently interested with someone working here.  She always asks my help to send SMS to the guy in English.  She commented that it’s easy to get a guy and she is really after that person because he is rich in their place. 

I am confused.  I don’t really have no idea how love works.  I don’t want to judge people with what makes them happy.  After all, this young girl is very friendly and nice to me.

When I went out clubbing during my younger days, my cousins and my friends always advised me “collect and select”.  They always went home with a guy and a lot of secrets not to tell.  I am not some goody-goody girl or pretending to be one.  What could I do if it was difficult for me to feel and loosen up a little? I convinced myself I was ready but it didn’t make me feel contented. It was not I needed at that point of my life.

I even reached to the point, in every phase of my life wondering if I were straight or not. Yet, not even once, I was attracted to same gender.   Perhaps, a lot of things happened that set my mind to the idea that love wouldn’t make me happy.


How do we decide who to love?  Are fulfilled categories and expectations will make us know what do we really want in love?

My heart decides “OFF LIMITS TO LOVE!”

Nonetheless, as I aged I always hear a male voice and see a macho silhoutte in my dreams.  As if it was some stranger, waiting to be found. Yet, no one came along. Hence,  I fell for my fantasy, a young boy whom I found fondness in my head.

Papa appeared in my dream and said “pray”.

I did and still am.  In younger days, the options were not limited but as I was trapped in my career, it seemed my eyes were set to no one.  So, I prayed to God to take away my sight and opened my heart.

God did what I asked for… Should I be sorry that it was you?  Don’t worry, not even once that I took you wrongly or misinterpreted your friendship.  Perhaps, I waited for so long to try only to be wired in a complex circuit of love. 

I tried not to love you only to fall for you deeply.  I convinced myself what was new, you were easy to lose like so many of your predecessors.  I denied my feelings only to love you even more.  I tried to forget only to be haunted with those exciting moments with you.  I tried to walk away and deal matters on my own; only to realize I needed you so badly and it’s even difficult living without you.

What the hell?  You have everything that you need and my sorrow is your burden.  I chose not to be bothered by anyone only to find it so depressing not to hear your comforting and encouraging words.

I asked God, why you when He could bring back old flings or friends or someone whom I could love freely? Several times, I asked myself why you when I kept in touch with people whi used to matter in my heart?  If I chose to be blind, I could fall for those lowly men who seemed interested with my kind.  Yet, they were annoying rather than considered as flattering.

Then, I found my answer in your  absence.  Why do I love you?  I love you because when my heart sought to fill its longings, the universe conspired and brought you to me to show me what real love really means. It is not how much I will gain or get.  It is not even about the financial security or what will I profit from you.  It is because you moved my heart and triumphed over my wits in many ways.  You were the only man who made me cry because I miss you so much.  You made me weep because I wanted to show you how much I love you but it can’t be.  I needed you everyday to fulfill all my emptiness and longings but I stood by my pride and hurt myself all the time.

I love you with how you inspired and challenged me.  As I fell for you, I felt so little of myself.   Then, as continued wounding my heart, I embraced my feminity and discovered how beautiful I am as a person.  Thus, I moved forward for a shift of career, I expected to meet new people.  But, I got stuck in a box without no one and only your memories to keep my heart alive.  I even tried virtual love illusions but I ended up speed typing and learned not to trust any man again.

I don’t want to claim a lot of men who were interested with me.  I don’t want to count how many lovers I had.  For me, those were unreal, the thrill of my youth and a certain love that would make romantic entries in my journal and something to talk about with the girls.  If I am interested with the opposite sex, what the other person felt towards me was none of my business, I just let it be and be good friends with them.  When they walked out, it would only hurt like a prick of a needle. 

Yet, with you it’s like daggers stabbing me into thousand of pieces.  The saddest part is, I am the only one at fault.  

Running away from you is not easy for I jeopardized so many priorities.  In the end, I have no choice but to ask you a favor again and again.  Trust me, I tried.  I really did.

I wish you’ll see my home, so many islands there like paradise.  I hope you can come along and I’ll show the place I wanted to buy for retirement years.  There, you can get wasted and dead drunk with little amount to spend.  You will see a lot of body of waters, the ocean is so blue, the waterfalls so cold but no skinny dipping in the hot spring.  There are mountains and you’ll enjoy nature like never before, away from all the skyscrapers.  The food all fresh and we can eat raw fishes just newly caught.  You will see all those fruits and food that I enjoy in my childhood.  So many plants that are not artificially grown.  For sure, you’ll just love and enjoy everything; and I’ll make you happy everyday.  Don’t worry, I am very brave, I can look after you. 

Yet, look at me now.  How I wish when you get feed up with what you are in now, you’ll consider taking a break in the place where I grew up.  I’ll assure you 99% entertainment and adventures you’ll never forget.

I hope you’ll come… As of now, you are doing fine and I am proud of your accomplishments.  The idea that your hard work really paid off only make me love you even more. Xoxo

by LMFAO “Party Rock Anthem” (Everyday I’m Shuffling)


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