How many times papa should die?

What clothes to bring? I am not ready to go. Where are my shoes? I cannot bring them all.  This feeling of emptiness again and all by myself.  I always tried to be strong for everyone but now I am the weakest link.

I wanted to embrace papa again but it seemed he’s always killed in my heart.  How many times will he die and I return to this old feeling?  I am tired of being the weeping clown.  I worked hard for my dreams but luck doesn’t coincide with my fate.

What will I do with my paintings with this feeling of emptiness? I left because they destroyed my reputation.  Will I return with a package of disappointments and failures?  What I really wanted is to have a good career and a new home with real children I can sing lullaby.   I ask for nothing more but everything is out of reach

Every day and night I pray sincerely still my heartfelt words don’t reach heaven.  I love with all my heart but it doesn’t make a count and Cupid didn’t hit bull’s eye.  I worked hard and earned good remarks but there are rules to follow. 

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   Five years ago, I made this pop-up storybook for one of my post-grad subjects and it earned me the highest mark.  I told myself that if I’d do my best I would reach my goals.

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Yet, I fulfilled nothing and still all by myself.  I always give rather than receive; and understand than to be understood.  Now, I found everything that I love… will everything be taken away from me?  Then, kill my papa all over again.

How many times will he die? Will it an empty journey for me?  Will my Aquaman find me and appear at the sea again?

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I don’t want to cry anymore, Papa made me promise not to… My tears might reach to heaven and I’ll make him sad again.  He knows that this time I tried to do my best and opened my heart as he always advised me. 

My bad timing killed papa again.

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