I Can’t Buy You Flowers

I don’t want to see you.  Not yet.  But, probably I will. I have no choice.

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Seconds turn to minutes, minutes to hour… hours to days… I am running out of time…

I am  always the optimistic little dreamer, I told you that we would have a real restaurant with your name on it.  My cheerfulness and humor always made you smile, and I  always had my way to persuade you.  I avowed that I would only love no one except you.  But you convinced me that  I should give it a try because love  is worth trying and I am worth having.  Guess what, I prayed and did what you said.  I opened my heart and my timing was really awful.   Yeah, to trust, share and open up to someone gave my heart delight and joy with the presence of that one special person.   My heart didn’t pick the wrong guy.  In fact, he was perfect in so many ways only I am not in control with the situation.   It was not a smooth process for in exchange of all the joys were the lonely nights and painful reality.  Everything I feared and hated about love became real.  The turn of events were really difficult to accept but it made me stronger,  discovered the beautiful me… and enjoyed all the excitements…

I embraced the truth with the kind of love that walked into my life.  I always wished heartily, if only I could really make him the happiest man in the world.  However, in my absence, he already had it all.  Deep within, I wanted to be useful and be with him when the sun rises and sets to greet him good morning and good night.   Then, I realized that he wouldn’t need me and want me anyway whether I begged and asked for it.   Thus, when I learned to love him deeply, I chose to dream higher to forget how love made a fool out of me.  Nonetheless, I still honestly care and love him and there’s no single day I search and miss him so much.  I needed and wanted him but I must endure.  After all life is full of surprises, I really don’t know where these uncertainties will lead me.  I am still hoping to him again and to his heart, once more—-

Look at me, I gained weight even if I lost my appetite.  I am not suicidal even if I am entertained with tragic stories and unhappy endings.  Don’t worry, I don’t hallucinate and see false visions.  My sanity is still tact.  I still keep my faith and hope highs.  With all the rejections, come and rescue me!   I felt the hollow space again like when you were gone.  Indeed, after you left, it was so empty and I was cold.  I kept my distance from everyone and even forgot the name of the person I last went out.   You took with you, all the happiness stored in my heart.  Thus, I chose to dream rather than love to forget how you broke my heart.

Isn’t it surprising?  I was the non-studious and indolent girl.  Among the four of us, I am the one who didn’t make in the dean’s list.  I was not trying to prove anything to you but I continued studying even after my degree.  I finished a second degree and passed the license test.  I even continued further studies.  Most of my teachers complimented me, and my research professor with PhD saw my potentials, gave me a perfect score and he encouraged me  to write my thesis.   Sadly, I didn’t due to circumstances.   Yet, you should congratulate me because I am able to study abroad with a high mark.  I wanted to learn more.  My sister told me the reason I planned to proceed for higher learning was that I am trying to correct my bad attitude towards school from elementary to college.  Not really.  Maybe, only at this point of my life, I appreciated my abilities, intellect and skills.  Forgive me if I can no longer memories long poems like when I was six.  You were my greatest fan, you always loved to hear me declaim or recite and just be on stage.

I aim higher again and I wanted to go farther.  I don’t want to grow old crippled with age instead knowledgeable with my career.   Now, it thrills me to learn new things.   I wanted to do a lot of things but opportunities came… and then, gone…

It will break my heart to see you because I didn’t make it according to how I planned.  I couldn’t even keep my promise to mama that I would help her start a new business.   I failed everyone including you.  I wanted to write my thesis as I promised my professor.  But, no doors opened for me… there were those who wanted me in but it didn’t work accordingly… I am just unlucky, I guess.

You made me promise not to cry.  I’m sorry, I can’t keep it because when you’ll see me again I am all broken with fading smile.   The worst part, I can’t even afford to buy you flowers like last time.  Papa, forgive me if I can’t buy you flowers for I can only bring you my disappointed and shattered heart.

I don’t want to fight anymore.  But, my only option is not to quit because I won’t stop on dreaming higher.  I will still keep my promises to those people etched in my heart.   You know, I always keep my words and I despised breaking my promises.  Papa, I may not bring you a lot of flowers when we meet this time.  With God’s grace, when I’ll make it through again, I’ll buy you a beautiful place to rest.  Maybe, this time God will allow me to really own the restaurant, you always wanted.  And I will be happy again and make so many people happy too.

    I will make it through.  God will grant me my heart’s desires in life and love!

i tried

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