If ONLY I loved you

i wanna be with you I called you my baby love and my little summer crush.   It was only for the trend and not for real, those were the days when I was young and popular.  Of course, I always had a natural lovable personality that drew you closer to me.  You were undeniably good-looking, a lot of girls your age fell for your charms.  Yet, I didn’t know what went into your head and you chose to be closer to me.  The closer we got, the faster our friendship grew.  However, I am a complex girl and had conventional way of thinking living in my little pathetic world.  You were just one short summer sunshine and when you left I went to the countryside and continued a sweet friendship during my vacation at my grandparents’ place.

Come on school was  fun without you and I am not out of friends.  There were boys I liked who  belonged to my circle of friends.  Yet, what was the  big deal with all the cheesy talks and flatteries.   All I needed was to pass my subjects and ran my projects.    If you didn’t know how logic circuits worked, there were boys I knew who were useful in school.  I sometimes joked at them that they needed me for inspiration.  All of those were non-romantic, just some fun hanging around with them.   I was obviously and selectively affected with some of those boys, but getting involved was not my priority.  I took everything as a joke.  Something I would get over and the horrible stuff I would write.

I forgot about you for there were lots of fishes in the sea.  I am not the college beauty queen but I am confident, comfortable and happy with who I am, the reason I could be anywhere and not out of stock of friends.

You came back for December holidays.  This time, you ignored the rest of the girls and followed my lead. You went carolling with me and even requested me to draw your favourite cartoon character.  There was one evening, we walked side-by-side and you gave me a flower.  I didn’t know how to react because I promised to be in the party with my college friends and I am interested with some of them.   One evening after the New Year party ended, you watched the sunrise with me and we talked a lot of tales.  Did I fall for you then?  No, I was more concern of my grades and projects than be attached with my feelings.  What was new?  You were like all of them, those sweet tongues and romantic moves.

And so you wrote me a long letter that my mother hid from me.   The content was a shocker but I was honest with my response.  I was not overjoyed because I had the attention I needed.  I am the center at home and in my crowd.  Why complicate the situation?  I had frequent long distant calls from someone I used to like, and school was filled with the male population craving for attention.   I just presumed that you were confused with your feelings and misinterpreted our friendship.   After all, you were just a boy….

Summer you came and you showed up again, and this time you were persistent.  I always found you waiting for me after my summer lessons.  You always offered help in all the events I organized.  Rumours had it but none was true.  Yet, your claim brought the hurricane in my life.  I just let it be, you would leave anyway. Did I ever tell you that I use you as an excuse for that guy who pursued me in a threatening way when we were on the beach?   I didn’t know what were all your problems to convince me to be involved with your lives, I am happy being all by myself.

Why you transferred school?  You stayed.  What the heck?  I thought you were not coming back and so it became an issue.  My mother exaggerated and feared I would go beyond the line.   Hell, people were all melodramatic, as if I was in the scene of Romeo and Juliet!  I moved out from my place but you kept on waiting.  I was angry at you for saying so.  It  was all a lie and I couldn’t trust your words.  I pushed you away for several times but you kept on returning.   Why would I believe, you were just a boy?  I had big dreams and your fantasy couldn’t help me in getting what I wanted in life.

Finally, you bid goodbye.  You told me to wait and I said “If someone leaves, then everything is gone”.   You indirectly told me to start a new life somewhere but I didn’t want to be in that place.   I was not ready for something real because I was still in the starting line of my real dreams.  If I really loved you and fought for my feelings, my mother would surely not allow me to enter our house ever again.  I couldn’t risk because I am uncertain if you were all I needed in my life.  I guess, I only tried to love you but I really never did.  Perhaps, I fell in love with my goals and my illusions before you came along…

I thought it for a while but I couldn’t live in a life of poverty.  When you left, I never waited and there were those who crossed into my life.  I did not apologise for what I failed to do and you told your friends there was no closure.  What was the point when what happened was not real commitment?  How was it different from what I had with those I knew that I never told you?

Twelve years ago, if only I loved you I wouldn’t reach this far and wouldn’t achieve a lot of things.   Would I be happier to have you with a simple lifestyle you could afford?  If only I loved you, I would not be lonesome tonight  and you would be there like just before.   If I loved you for real,  I wouldn’t be in a depressing situation as of now.  Perhaps, your little house would mean the world to me and I wouldn’t shoulder all my family’s obligations.  I am sorry  I said that I loved you when I couldn’t care less…

You were just a boy with simple dreams.  I conditioned myself  to a prince charming suited to my standards and qualifications.   After you, they were getting younger and I despised my fate.  What do you know, there is always a  time for everything.   Finally, I surrendered and gave love a try.  This time, I didn’t know how it hit me.   I am  too old and slow to avoid  love’s bullet.  I loved this man with all I am, the reason I couldn’t face him now because I couldn’t tell him that failed.

Am I wrong or right?  I gave everything for love…  However, my life turned upside down and I am out of luck with all the rejections I didn’t want to hear.  I didn’t know, if I would survive.  So, in the midst of my depression I thought of you and the home you offered.  Was it better there than here?  If only I loved you, maybe…   But, I tried and couldn’t love you more to risk it all…  Thus, I must survive this storm for you were just a memory of my youth like so many of them…

by Miley Cyrus “Wrecking Ball”

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