Are You Still My Friend?


I have not communicated with anyone even those closest to me for very long.  My apologies to all.  I have this bad habit of isolating myself in times of my grief.  The truth of the matter, I have no life and part of me is dead with my failures.  After the last blow, I am ashamed and I shared my world to no one.  As if for one second, I perished from the lives of those who really matter to me.

I am in the world of my self-made prison.  I am a people and sociable person, but with this great storm in my life I chose to be aloof.  Everyday it really kills me recounting and dreaming of those good times.  Yet, I want to fix my roof by myself.  I don’t want to be anyone’s burden.

The weight on my shoulder is getting heavier everyday.  My clothes unused for so long.  I even missed on attending my art teacher’s exhibit this week and the art workshop for today.  It’s so sad to throw my art dream when I am having a good start.  It’s really a privilege to have a master artist as a mentor for a newbie like me.  However, my brother is probably right that there’s no money in art.  As of now, I can’t profit of trying to be an artist but when I’ll pass this test, I will learn more in art.  It’s not too late to continue with what I have started.

Believe it or not, I keep on dreaming and thinking of you.  Yet, what’s my use when I failed keeping my words?  I honestly wanted to hear and see you but I am scared reaching you out.  I am afraid that you’ll consider me as a failure and regret knowing me.  I may presumed incorrectly again.   Likewise, I am still broken due to all missed opportunities that I almost had.  It’s really difficult to compete and outshine the rest.  I am out of strategies to win the spotlight.

I am a laborer and I need to earn to survive.  Among my siblings, I have the simplest dream.  Yet, my father always said if I really do my best and try harder, I can achieve more and shine the brightest.  Will papa be disappointed seeing his carefree, independent and strong daughter transformed into a coward mouse hiding a dark hole?

My prayers are all I have to fight my battle in survival. I spoke to God, angels and saints and they don’t literally answer me back.  But, I know they are there and they are listening.  I spoke with you as well and I am uncertain if you still remember my name.  It is really depressing to miss out so many events and people.  Yet, I have to overcome everything and try to stand still even my knees are shaking.

My brother used to tell me that I have multiple gifts.  Yeah, I can do a lot of things but finding my star in the black hole is more like mission impossible.  Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother) coined the word ‘possimpible’, which means where possible and impossible meet.  Perhaps, what is impossible is possible and I too can be awesome in my ways.

Thank God I can construct sentences into compostion, even if my grammar is not 100% perfect.  Thanks to writing, at least I have an outlet to express my unheard voice.  In the absence of spoken language, I have written words to speak out.  It doesn’t matter if no one bothers to read.

I can’t wait to see you and be as cheerful as ever.  I know my prayers will be answered.  We will meet again and soon is near.  God knows how much I miss you and I will keep my words.  Hope that you are still the same friend whom I will forever love.

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