I have not communicated with anyone even those closest to me for very long. My apologies to all. I have this bad habit of isolating myself in times of my grief. The truth of the matter, I have no life and part of me is dead with my failures. After the last blow, I am ashamed and I shared my world to no one. As if for one second, I perished from the lives of those who really matter to me.
I am in the world of my self-made prison. I am a people and sociable person, but with this great storm in my life I chose to be aloof. Everyday it really kills me recounting and dreaming of those good times. Yet, I want to fix my roof by myself. I don’t want to be anyone’s burden.
The weight on my shoulder is getting heavier everyday. My clothes unused for so long. I even missed on attending my art teacher’s exhibit this week and the art workshop for today. It’s so sad to throw my art dream when I am having a good start. It’s really a privilege to have a master artist as a mentor for a newbie like me. However, my brother is probably right that there’s no money in art. As of now, I can’t profit of trying to be an artist but when I’ll pass this test, I will learn more in art. It’s not too late to continue with what I have started.
Believe it or not, I keep on dreaming and thinking of you. Yet, what’s my use when I failed keeping my words? I honestly wanted to hear and see you but I am scared reaching you out. I am afraid that you’ll consider me as a failure and regret knowing me. I may presumed incorrectly again. Likewise, I am still broken due to all missed opportunities that I almost had. It’s really difficult to compete and outshine the rest. I am out of strategies to win the spotlight.
I am a laborer and I need to earn to survive. Among my siblings, I have the simplest dream. Yet, my father always said if I really do my best and try harder, I can achieve more and shine the brightest. Will papa be disappointed seeing his carefree, independent and strong daughter transformed into a coward mouse hiding a dark hole?
My prayers are all I have to fight my battle in survival. I spoke to God, angels and saints and they don’t literally answer me back. But, I know they are there and they are listening. I spoke with you as well and I am uncertain if you still remember my name. It is really depressing to miss out so many events and people. Yet, I have to overcome everything and try to stand still even my knees are shaking.
My brother used to tell me that I have multiple gifts. Yeah, I can do a lot of things but finding my star in the black hole is more like mission impossible. Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother) coined the word ‘possimpible’, which means where possible and impossible meet. Perhaps, what is impossible is possible and I too can be awesome in my ways.
Thank God I can construct sentences into compostion, even if my grammar is not 100% perfect. Thanks to writing, at least I have an outlet to express my unheard voice. In the absence of spoken language, I have written words to speak out. It doesn’t matter if no one bothers to read.
I can’t wait to see you and be as cheerful as ever. I know my prayers will be answered. We will meet again and soon is near. God knows how much I miss you and I will keep my words. Hope that you are still the same friend whom I will forever love.
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