I remembered the woman whom my father first loved and also betrayed him. One time, I accompanied my father in visiting her. She was a widow and she couldn’t afford to send her two children to university. There was sadness in her smile as she bid farewell to my papa. Was she regretful for letting him go?
I am no longer a teenager and so I let it be willingly and no one influenced me. I tried and became your willing victim. I pretended to be a 21st century woman like the characters in the series “Sex in the City” (but not too daring…please). I forgot my values and loosened up.
Most of the time, I didn’t know what I was doing. Thus, I wailed for so many evenings despising myself for allowing everything to happen. After all I did, you were being so unfair. I was so furious for the injustice that you granted me.
The flame of my rage consumed me. I sought for revenge in my head. I even browsed about witchcraft and planned to purchase a voodoo doll. I wanted to prick its heart repeatedly so that you’ll feel how painful it is. Karma be with you and I cursed you. BUT, all those works of the devil I condemned. My angels comforted and reminded me that ‘vengeance is not mine, it is God’s’. I didn’t have the authority to usurp His power.
It’s difficult pretending to be evil and portray the role as your antagonist. I took back all those unacceptable thoughts and confessed to God for my sins.
I want to be me whom fears and have faith in the Almighty. I am all torn out and remembered what papa said, “anyone is lucky to have you”. My tears evaporated and disappeared on my cheeks.
I am always a fighter and no longer the wailing victim. I recalled my father’s old special friend, her life would be better with Papa. My father too was a victim of love but he was not the one sorry and suffered more.